Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
Me and my husband are at a loss, we decided to Foster my husbands sister two kids because they couldn't and didn't want to take care of them. Our oldest which is 4 was abused and treated wrong by both of his parents but luckily the youngest which is 2 never went through anything because she was taken away when she was born and now that we have them they are doing okay but the oldest is acting out not wanting to listen he is in preschool and he does okay but sometimes he doesn't want to follow direction or listen there either and we are asking him what is wrong is there something or someone he is mad at and when we ask him those questions he will say he's mad that his parents are coming to visit him or taking care of him we have tried telling him that it's not his fault and that everything is okay and we will not be leaving him he will be staying here with us forever and it doesn't seem to be helping no matter what we are doing to let him know what he is doing is wrong whether it's timeout or sometimes spankings if he is doing something very wrong like climbing on his dresser or hitting his sister something like that that's not making a difference he just keeps on acting out and getting worse lot tantrums really bad start throwing stuff I don't know if this is just because we're not his parents or we're doing a bad job but we're trying our best to get used to this whole new thing also considering we've never had kids before so this is all new to all of us. We are just at a loss of what to do we don't know whether to put him in therapy or try different things at home and just kind of looking for some support in this field from other people that are going through the same thing I hope that somebody can help us out and so we can figure out what exactly is going on.
I'm sure you are both doing a really great job. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, especially with a child that has come from a bad experience. Make sure you and your husband have a support system as well...whether that be people you can talk to or support groups like this. Hang in there...
I will tell you from the perspective of being a grandma to 3 adopted kids who are siblings (my daughter and her husband fostered then adopted them 6 years ago):
Kids who experience trauma (as your 4YO has) and abandonment (as they both have) will have issues. It goes to a deep part of our souls when our birth parents don't want us. He is likely feeling emotions that he cannot explain with words, so he acts out. Although they may struggle with the emotions of it all their lives, it doesn't mean they can't learn to overcome and be wonderful humans.
You have your work cut out for you, as you already know. I highly recommend that you get into a support group for foster/adopt families. My daughter could not have survived without that. All foster/adopt families struggle with the same issues, and they find support & encouragement by sharing their woes and their solutions. You NEED the support of others to parent these children. The things your 4YO is doing are totally normal and expected for a kid coming from his background, but you became a parent suddenly and have been thrown into new territory. Please always keep in mind that even a biological child can behave in these ways or give you other challenges.
Bottom line: parenting ain't easy, but it IS filled with moments of joy and reward, and it actually serves to refine US as humans as we learn to sacrifice, build patience, and intentionally teach them to be kind, thoughtful, smart, wonderful people who have integrity!
Your 4YO may need counseling...time will tell. I can tell you that my 8YO adopted grandson (he was 2 when he came to our family) struggles with intense angry outbursts, but he is aware of what triggers it and is learning coping skills. Overall he's a wonderful, sweet, bright boy...90% of the time. The other 10% is giving my daughter gray hair at age 35!
You can do an internet search for a counselor that specializes in traumatized kids, adopted kids, fostered kids, etc. Please also search for websites, blogs, books, and support groups in your area. .
The very BEST thing you can do is reassure him of your unconditional love (he may wonder if YOU will give him away too), provide the most safe/secure environment possible, do NOT indulge his manipulations and tantrums, create boundaries with advance explanations of consequences, and structure will make him feel more secure. Love conquers all. God bless you as you parent these precious little people, who need adults who will do everything possible to love and protect them.