Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
Hi.
I am new on this group as well. I am feeling very guility.
My husband and I are struggeling to have children so we decided to do foster care, which I feel was a mistake. Or that is how I feel and I know it is a terrible thing to say. She is ok for a child that was rejected and she does try very hard, but she just doesn't fill the need of a own child. She struggles a bit with things she shouldn't really be with but she has come a long way from where she has been and that is why I am feeling very guiltly. Maybe we should have gone for someone younger as she was already 9 when she come to stay with us. Any advice?
Can you find some sort of spiritual explanation or reason why this child was matched with you? Can you find some redeeming reason she's with you and not someone else? I don't intend to be mean, but do you think the reason she's not giving it her all is because you're not giving it your all? You're in a sad place and rightfully so. She could constantly remind you of what you can't have. You may be angry at her parents and taking it out on your observation of her. You might say or feel "I can't believe these people had this kid and here I am a good person who would make a great mother and I can't get pregnant and here these people had no trouble making a baby and they don't deserve to be parents. It's not FAIR!!' If you feel that way, it's OK, it's human to feel that way.
All this hype about bonding isn't fair. It's not a magical moment when all the stars align and you sing "O mystery of love at last I've found you...." It's when you are open to the not so magical moments.
I just felt bad because our soon to be foster child, should I accept, called today and didn't wish me happy mother's day. then I realized she doens't need that, I did. But fostering shouldn't be about me. It should be about the child.
I realized that she had no reason to celebrate Mother's Day and probably didn't now how to express it. Nothing happy about it for her. And I just remind her, she has a mother, but an absent one. Same with Father's Day. They are Hallmark moments, not real moments.
Freshly bathed children often stir a maternal instinct in us. If she's a non bather it might be harder for you to connect with her. [my friend's foster child refused to bathe and wash and COMB her hair. She refused to have it cut or go to a beauty parlor. She out grew it once she noticed boys, But her mom had rejected her and she had a pretty low self image so she felt unlovable and worked toward being unlovable to avoid being disappointed by trying and being turned down YET AGAIN.
If you are continually unhappy speak to her social worker.
If you are going to someone to talk about your trying to conceive, you may also want to address your subconscious reasons for not liking this child. Remember you are a gardener, and your task is to tend to your bulb and water it, tertilize it, until it blooms. You want to be someone whom she remembers with fondness and appreciation. You don't have to love her, to like her. But you have to like her for her to like you and bloom. When you both do, things may feel better for you.
I'd take out some parenting books from the library. They've always helped me. I wish you the very best.
My wife and I decided to stop trying to have kids. We decided to look into adoption. When we were doing the orientation we were approached about being foster parents. We talked about it and decided that if we did adoption we could help 1-2 kids but if we did foster we could help hundreds and because we are open to adoption, we could turn into a forever home should the need arise.
That said, every kid that has come into our care has been "our kid". We have had some bad experiences and a couple of kids that were just not a good fit. But at no time did we ever think we were "shopping" for a kid to meet our desires. We always looked at it as "this is what we can offer now is xyz a good fit for that".
Your approach that the child should fill your need is not "wrong". If you are not happy with fostering then it may be time to stop. But expecting the child to fit your idea of what a child should be will leave you very disappointed. Perhaps you should look at taking a break and decide what you really want to do.