Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
I’m new here and I’m hoping someone can help me and encourage me. My husband and I have been fostering for about 3 years now. Last Friday, 9 days ago, 9 very long excruciating days ago, they called us with a 4 year old little boy. Of course, we said yes. We were absolutely tickled—for about 6 days. The past three days have been awful. We had minor issues the first few days, the biggest being that he smacked my 2 year old’s hands. I just figured that was typical behavior, just watch closely when they were together. He whined some, still, understandable. But then, he changed completely. He’s been horrible. He’s pooped on himself, Wets the bed every night (I put pull ups in him and that’s the least of our issues). He’s stubborn, argues constantly, screams and stomps his foot at me whenever I tell him no, two days ago, he said he didn’t know how to put his clothes on. He refuses to take his medicine, he has laid claims on my baby’s toys. St first, I tried teaching her to share, but he always had some of her favorite toys and never laid them down and started saying they were his. I explained to him that they belonged to her and she was letting him play with them. He got mad and screamed at me. I’ve filled his room with toys that friends have given him so it’s not like he has nothing. My biggest concern though is this. His pediatrician is also my daughters pediatrician. I took him to see the dr just so he could explain to me why he was on the meds he was in (before the really bad behaviors started). When he saw me with him, he became very concerned. He said this child escalates very quickly and can change really fast. He warned me to never leave him alone with my baby I feel so torn. This is a 4 yr old. He needs a loving home and we can give him that, but these past few days have me so stressed that I feel like a prisoner. I can’t take him anywhere with these behaviors. I fear my my baby’s safety but then again I think maybe we are the ones who can help him. I don’t know what to do! I should also add, he’s been in foster care for 4 months and we are his third home.
Third home in four months means in his mind these people wont keep me so why try or care. He can't trust you, he can't let you close because nobody stays.
He doesn't know how to communicate what he needs because his caregivers never cared or taught him. He saw adults get there way with yelling and violence so thats all he knows.
You may say he has toys but in reality he doesn't, not in his mind. He might of had toys in previous homes but those got left behind because in reality they wern't his.
Wetting the bed is common in kids with trauma. Pooping himself to. Its attention, even if its negative attention and its the only power he has is his bowels. May seem nonsense to you but to a child who has no control its the only thing they have control of.
Of course he says he doesn't know how to put his clothes on. He wants you at his level to see your eyes and have your attention while dressing him. Its a good time to teach him about respecting his body and reminding him about good touch vs. bad touch.
A 4 year old should never be left alone with a baby but don't demonize him, hes screwed up but can you fault him for it? Its the adults in his life that are to blame (not you) but the question is do you have the patience? Because it wont be easy but someone needs to believe hes worth it or he'll never know he has value and someone that wont abandon him.
He's push you away and try many things. To see if you'll care and live him unconditionally.
Four years old.... I feel for him. Its hard not having someone to really love you at that age.
I think you should keep trying. Don't spoil him by filling his room with toys. He's so young.... Its not hard to still mold him into the good kid he can be.
You need to decide if this placement is right for you and your family. If he is aggressive toward your younger child, this will not change for several years because he will never feel that things are "fair" . It may never change. It will hurt him and you more to stay in a placement that is not working than to make another transition. Your daughter's safety comes first.
I hear the frustration, desperation, fear of failure, and anger in your letter. I have been there . If you decide to keep this child, you need respite now and frequently (weekly) so you can compose yourself and feel your home back at peace.
You are not going to be able to fix this child. He needs therapy. He is not too young. If you decide to keep him in this placement, then you should start by spending 1 on 1 time with him doing what he wants for 15 - 20 minutes daily. This is playing at his level , not questioning things, and letting him lead you.
All of the other mess, pooping, stomping, screaming, has to be ignored. If he needs (emotionally ) your help dressing, then help him dress. Pick a simple rule - no hitting. If he hits, make the situation safe, then calm yourself. Once you are calm, soothe him out of his escalated state, or stand by and keep him safe until it blows over. Then in a calm voice tell him that we use "gentle touch" . Hug him and reassure him that he is a good boy.
Repeat .
Take care of yourself. It is ok to need help. USe respite. Call your SW . Talk to other foster parents.
God knows the best home for this child. Maybe it is yours. Maybe not. But God will use it all for good.