Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
My wife and I have been fostering a now 19 month old little girl since September of last year. Drug exposed and left laying on a bed for long periods of time were her trauma.
We've been really supportive and patient over the last year but we're about ready to be done and give her back to the department.
The primary issue we've been having is how manipulative she is and complely inconsolable. Feedings, nap times, bed times, practically any interaction with her is her not following directions and deliberately doing the opposite, even to her negative benefit. Pocketing food, choking herself so she throws up food, screaming at bed time goading us to start a yelling match with her. We're to the point where we feel it's eroding how much we love her.
Plus we're sick and tired of our human services department that puts anything we say in negative context with the next report that comes out. We're done going to them for support.
My main issue I could use support on is with the nap times. We've tried everything we can think of including consoling her for hours. The problem with consoling her is then she does everything in her power to not fall asleep. Pick her head up, play with her hair, anything for hours at a time, but as soon as we leave to let her either continue playing or try to sneak out when we have a clear moment, it's bloody murder all over again.
Here's my dilemma, we've been doing hard line nap time and bed time and ignoring the screams and all other manipulative behavior until she tires herself out and falls asleep. I hate it because I know of the previous trauma she's had of being left alone but I know that if I sit with her for 4 hours and try to see her to sleep, she'll be right back at square one and all we've done is lost 4 hours of sleep. So I feel like I'm minimizing the damage.
Any relatable stories or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Everything I've heard so far is "oh those are just toddlers" but no, my toddler has had trauma and reacts differently from your toddler. Normal toddlers are able to be consoled and fall asleep after a while. Normal toddlers do not manipulate to the degree she does.
I was a foster child with horrible behavioral issues and my parents had those moments where they were at their ropes end. Sometimes you have to take a step back.
She is a toddler that doesn't quite have all of the tools she needs to express herself the way she should be able to like all toddlers. so Deep breath dad! you are doing fine.
I asked a month ago for help. Support group or education. She has been with me for 6 months and still has had no therapy.
When I asked for help I suddenly was accused of hitting her (marks were shown to be tan lines from the vacation we went on.). I had every lisencing person request a visit. I received a list of phone numbers with a request for a check for annual dues for the support organization (which is providing no support).
I found some courses online about parenting children with attachment disorder. The best advice was this " it is not your job to change their behavior. It is your job to find joy in them." So, every day I try to find the joy even when it seems unbearable. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I do not. But I start the next day trying again.
This is giving me a few good days.