Please don’t judge me this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My family has already shunned me and I feel like a failure. I have lost all my supports and really need to vent.

I have been fostering my nephew (B) for a little more than a year now and we had to call his caseworker a few days ago. After a ton of thinking we have decided that we can not be this little boys permanent home. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. But I also know it was the correct one. Here is the background:

B was taken from my sister for neglect, he was 4 1/2. She suffers from severe mental health issues and neurological issues. It was determined that she would never be able to take care of him properly through no fault of her own. We took him in as we were the only relative besides his paternal grandmother who could. We also have 2 children (DS 3 now 4, DD 6 now 7) of our own and work full time  

The honeymoon phase lasted about a month and even then there were certain things that were just off. At first I thought it was caused by a lack of experience but I don’t think so now. He has no perception of right and wrong. We have worked diligently with teaching him this. Have taught him there are consequences (good and bad). We always make sure to praise for good behavior. However, even after a year this child does not care about consequences. I am very consistent, there is no leeway in the rules in my house for anybody. That includes myself as well, lead by example right? 

There is also a lack of emotion. There are times he is genuinely happy or scared, but it is very uncommon. I have taken him to therapy and seen many doctors. He lays on the charm thick and fools everybody. His teachers were also fooled at first but after a month or so they were calling every day. 

He is extremely mean and doesn’t get along with other children at all. It doesn’t matter what I do, he says he doesn’t like anybody and won’t play if it’s something he doesn’t want to do. This is a big issue in school. He’ll do anything to get out of group activities, I mean ANYTHING. He even attacked his teacher. He will hurt others and show no remorse whatsoever.

I have been worried for a while now about these things and I finally hit my breaking point when on two separate occasions he tried to seriously harm my youngest child.

The first time, we were at the pool and B doesn’t like to swim. My children love it and they were having a blast. I had other things for B to do so he wouldn’t be bored. I have a big rule about no pushing and horse playing. My son was sitting on the edge of the pool with a toy and I watched as B stared at him then tried to push him in. Of course I stopped it and had a serious talk with B and put him in timeout. This did not end here. After B was out of timeout he sat by the steps of the pool and was playing and splashing a bit with my son. They seemed to be getting along well. My phone started to ring so I went to pick it up. It was about 20 feet behind me. By the time I got to my phone and answered it and looked up B was stepping on my sons head and holding him under water. I freaked out. This, now 5 year old boy, waited for me not to be looking and seriously tried to drown my son. B is not dumb by any means and we had just talked about the dangers of water and what could happen. When I asked him why he did that and told him his cousin could have died he looked me right in the eye without any signs of emotion and told me he knew and he didn’t know why he did it, he just wanted to do it. It was at this point that I think I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for this child. I was honestly scared, but I couldn’t admit to myself that I was in over my head. 

The second instance, I had sent the boys and my daughter up to clean their rooms. After about 20min I heard a loud bang and crying from my daughter. When I got upstairs I found B in the hallway just staring into DDs room. When I looked inside her dollhouse was flipped over and everything inside it was all over. I asked B if he did that and told me yes. When I asked why he said because she wouldn’t help clean his room. I told him he and DS needed to clean their own room and now B would have to pick up DDs room too. He said okay. At this point DS had come out of his room to see what is going on. I was making sure DD wasn’t hurt and trying to calm her down. Now I’m hearing B yelling at my DS that he hates him and wants him to go away. I book it as fast as I can just in time to see B push DS down the stairs. B just turned around and stared at me with a blank expression. Thank god there is a small landing 4 steps down from the top where the stairs turn and DS wasn't seriously hurt. At this point though I’m furious and afraid of this child. I sent B to his room and had my other children go downstairs and I sat on the stairs and cried for about 20 minutes. I knew my husband and I couldn’t handle this.

My husband and I thought very carefully for 3 whole weeks about what we should do. And I knew at that point what I did have to do for my own family, but I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted so badly to help him, but in the process my own family was suffering. Tbh my home has been miserable for months and my husband and I are worn and tired. I talked with his grandmother and my family about what I was going to do and trying to find another resource for him. His grandmother was very understanding and thankful to me. She was the only support I have had with B since I got him. My family on the other hand has disowned me. However, none of them helped me during the entire time I had B. Even though I know I’m making the right choice it still hurts that I lost my entire family because of it. I have no plans to completely walk away from B. I still want to be part of his life. I’m angry, sad, and depressed. I need emotional support and the people I would normally get that from told me I don’t exist and that I could die for all they care. I’m angry that my family disowned me when none of them besides my father have ever even called to see how we or B was doing. I’m angry that they are blaming me for not being able to help B. I’m angry because nobody else stepped up or did anything to help B. I’m sad because I couldn’t help B. I’m sad because I’ve known for a while that my family is somewhat toxic and has always pushed everything onto me. More than anything I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed as a mother, as a sister, and as an aunt. I feel lonely and depressed because the people who are supposed to be there for me have abandoned me.