So now 2 people got mad at because of my bad behavior. I lose control again by men. It was my fault. I gave the location right away. He was good looking, great body, tall. I feel horrible after what happened because another friend of mine got upset with me. Yeah it does matter because we are living in the same house. And they are right as well. I must be careful with the people whom I gave my location especially in this place. The thing is that I am aware of this behavior. It exist in me for as long as I can remember. It has surfaced. Before it used to be alcohol. I think that was easy. Sex is hard. Battling this kind of behavior is the most difficult fight I think I have to do. This behavior kept me from maintaining and having steady and beautiful relationships.

This behavior is deeply rooted in my subconscious mind. It is like an automatic action that I do. I sexualize. One thing is that I have also is sexual dysfunction as well. Due to this idea that it is ok for them only to enjoy. I give myself to them, Let them use me and then I feel horrible after. It usually starts with a trigger. Triggers are everywhere. Just by looking a picture, a photo, or just by when someone is talking about something. This is a cycle. A pattern that I noticed. Well analytically what I have discovered also. Is I have this feeling that I was being used. Well in fact I have used them as well for instant gratification. It is an act that reflects back at me. I use them and in return they only use me as well. I never see the men I sex with as good enough and it reflects it back to me also.

This is a universal law. What you give to the world will always come back at you. It may not be for now but it will come back. This is what I have observed as well in people with bad attitudes/behaviors. Not the same as mine. Narcissist and People of power mostly. I am more of an empath, a sponge that absorbs people energy. A diffuser sometimes. A soft and tortured soul.