For Sex Addicts Only Community Group
For Sex Addicts Only is exclusively for individuals seeking support, information and recovery advice from fellow sex addicts. If not a sex addict, please do not join this group. The focus of this group is to support one another in understanding how one becomes a sex addict and achieving a successful recovery from our individual sex addiction. Sex addiction exists in...
The question I am proposing is this. How do you address the shame that createst the fear that shores up the second core belief of an addict. "If anyone realy knew me, they would not love me."
Here is what I think, and I am shockingly changing my thoughts on this already as I type.
The answer is the 4th step and then the 5th step.
So the forth step is to take a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The fifth step is to confess to ourselves, God and another person, the exact nature of our sin.
This comes in different forms in different therapies. Milton Magness has the SA write his sexual inventory in specific detail, then has him confess it to his wife in specific agonizing detail, then takes a poligraph to verify the truth was told. This is somewhat safe because both the SA and SO have previously written a contract that neither would leave the marriage, the SA for two years and the SO for a year. This contract helps create safety for the SA to know that his wife, no matter how disturbed, will not abandon him. And for the SO, I assume, helps her not react to the shock and under crisis irrationally choose to leave rather than face the pain of betrayal.
The first thing I read that gave me permission to confess like this was in Andy Comiskies book "Strength in Weakness" which said that men need other men to face down their deepest sins, as an "Undesturbed audience" I believe that the natural wholistic view of sexuality (spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual) integrated way that women naturally view sex causes this statement to be real.
It is my opinion that the bible says, Confess your sins to God and forgiveness comes. Confess our sins to one another and healing comes.
This is the secret to releasing shame. To fear terribly that the person you tell your real honest story to is going to get up, abandon you and leave, hating you. Just this morning, I ate breakfast with a good friend, and without shame talked about my acting out behavior,and though I anticipated his reaction to be negative, (from my wounded child place) his reaction was not even noticeable on his face. It was a mater of fact response. Not even a hint of discomfort. This is Healing for me in that it shows me that my perception that abandonment will occur, is not an accurate perception. Practicing this honesty changes that belief.
The problem with sex addiction is that women are extremely distrubed to the core of who they are in the face of sexual betrayal. This sometimes causes them to leave, usually causes them to withdraw. Not because we are good for being honest, or bad for being sex addicts, but because they are not secure in their value to us as wives when we steal the fidelity they offer us from them by going elsewhere. "I am not good enough" is their belief based on the false idea that they are somehow responsible for our addiction. "If I were good enough, they would not have acted out."
But, usually, I think more often than not, when true recovery begins, it creates a legitimacy that our true selves begin to become safe, and our wives truly respond to, so they stay. And again shock us into the reality that we are acceptable, lovable, and she stayed.
That is the value of the 5th step. To disolve the belief that if someone truly knew me, they would not love me. There is a risk in doing this improperly as it can cause great damage. That is why the therapist or sponsor must be able to create safety.
Thoughts?
Here is what I think, and I am shockingly changing my thoughts on this already as I type.
The answer is the 4th step and then the 5th step.
So the forth step is to take a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The fifth step is to confess to ourselves, God and another person, the exact nature of our sin.
This comes in different forms in different therapies. Milton Magness has the SA write his sexual inventory in specific detail, then has him confess it to his wife in specific agonizing detail, then takes a poligraph to verify the truth was told. This is somewhat safe because both the SA and SO have previously written a contract that neither would leave the marriage, the SA for two years and the SO for a year. This contract helps create safety for the SA to know that his wife, no matter how disturbed, will not abandon him. And for the SO, I assume, helps her not react to the shock and under crisis irrationally choose to leave rather than face the pain of betrayal.
The first thing I read that gave me permission to confess like this was in Andy Comiskies book "Strength in Weakness" which said that men need other men to face down their deepest sins, as an "Undesturbed audience" I believe that the natural wholistic view of sexuality (spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual) integrated way that women naturally view sex causes this statement to be real.
It is my opinion that the bible says, Confess your sins to God and forgiveness comes. Confess our sins to one another and healing comes.
This is the secret to releasing shame. To fear terribly that the person you tell your real honest story to is going to get up, abandon you and leave, hating you. Just this morning, I ate breakfast with a good friend, and without shame talked about my acting out behavior,and though I anticipated his reaction to be negative, (from my wounded child place) his reaction was not even noticeable on his face. It was a mater of fact response. Not even a hint of discomfort. This is Healing for me in that it shows me that my perception that abandonment will occur, is not an accurate perception. Practicing this honesty changes that belief.
The problem with sex addiction is that women are extremely distrubed to the core of who they are in the face of sexual betrayal. This sometimes causes them to leave, usually causes them to withdraw. Not because we are good for being honest, or bad for being sex addicts, but because they are not secure in their value to us as wives when we steal the fidelity they offer us from them by going elsewhere. "I am not good enough" is their belief based on the false idea that they are somehow responsible for our addiction. "If I were good enough, they would not have acted out."
But, usually, I think more often than not, when true recovery begins, it creates a legitimacy that our true selves begin to become safe, and our wives truly respond to, so they stay. And again shock us into the reality that we are acceptable, lovable, and she stayed.
That is the value of the 5th step. To disolve the belief that if someone truly knew me, they would not love me. There is a risk in doing this improperly as it can cause great damage. That is why the therapist or sponsor must be able to create safety.
Thoughts?
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
Perhaps they have an easily understood emotion - that their love and fidelity (fidelity means faithful) was betrayed, that they were lied to, at least in the sense they were not informed their husband wanted to or was planning on or actually did have sex with somebody else. Also, given STD's, any sex with another partner carries a health risk for the innocent spouse.
I also think that the SA contract that wives stay with their cheating spouses for 2 years is unfair to the wife. She didn't bang somebody else, and even is she did love her husband, she has to put up with him for 2 years to see if he will make the marriage work? Seems unfair to me, but I believe it usually takes about 2 years for loss of trust from infidelity to be overcome, assuming the cheating spouse remains faithful.
I think shame is not helpful for a sex addict. We need to feel good about our self, feel some self respect, and if you are drowning in guilt & shame it's not helpful. Making a commitment to be sober, and feeling positive self worth from that IS helpful!!
Best wishes.