ugggggg!!!!!
Current mood: sad
Category: Food and Restaurants
hi-damn it! damn it! damn it! i binged AGAIN!!!!!!!!! i fought the urge for hours. but i got into my purse to get a pen, and there were the snicker's bars i bought yesterday. i know you guys are all gonna say "well, you shouldn't hide food in your purse." I KNOW! but that's part of it. i crave food when i'm out, so i buy it, thinking i'll save it for later when i'm actually hungery. and i'm embarrassed to come home from a day of running errands with a wheelchair loaded with food, so i put it in my purse. somehow, i always end up scarfing the food in my purse within a few days anyway.

anyway, so i ended up eating both snicker's bars, and then i just couldn't stop. i warmed up leftover meat and potatoes. i didn't even bother adding mustard for the meat. because that would have required thought. when i binge, i just eat. i don't think. and then when i went into the kitchen to get a pop, i saw the yogurt. my little sister and my dad buy me the whipped yogurts because they're easier on my stomach. (i'm lactose intolerant. the regular yogurts make me sick. this is why i don't feel comfy with FAA. i don't think it's healthy to give up all dairy-especially for me since i already can't have milk and other dairy stuff.) and so i inhaled the chocolate moose one. i didn't even wait to come to the table to eat it.

i thought about not blogging, but i knew you guys would want an update since my last blog was so desperate. plus, i knew i had to. god has given me an incredible gift to express myself through writing. and in giving me that, he's also given me a forum in which i can freely and openly "figure myself out". in writing, jesus has given me a form of self-therapy. that's why i have to blog about this. because even if no one cares enough to read these utterly personal, i-feel-naked-because-i'm-being-so-honest, blogs, i need to write them...if for no other reason than to tell the world that food addiction is in fact real and that it has a grip on more people than i could count in a lifetime. why do you think we have such an obesity problem in this country? it sure isn't because people here are just lazy.

i really tried to fight it. i did. but right now, i feel so...i can't even find the words....to tell you how i feel. i just....school isn't happening this semester. i don't have a voice teacher. i miss performing SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. (see my poem "restless") i haven't been in a choir since my senior year of high school. i miss the whole experience of it. learning new music, making new friends. the thrill of being up in front of a crowd. the buzz of a concert hall...i miss everything....from start to finish. god, this is so much longer than i thought it would be. i didn't know i'd start to cry. i'm sorry. my stomach hurts. i'm going to bed. thanks for reading. i love you. thank you for sticking by me as i conquer this mountain. thank you especially to my teamceline family. you guys are some of the most amazing people i've ever met. most online friends would have ditched me by now if they knew i was this messed up. thank you for truly being my "second family". i can't wait to hug all of you in vegas.-fallon