My experience, goals, and abilities are quite different from yours, so I have no idea what a healthy relationship to food would look like for the rest of you. YOU are the one who is in charge of deciding what sort of relationship you want with food, your body, etc. However, I'll share my search for a healthy relationship with food, in the hopes it might be helpful, unique as it is. Also, I feel like sharing.

Growing up, I tended to be on the heavy side of normal. I didn't think about weight all that much. I had a sweet tooth, but my mom was a bit of a health nut, so we could only have cereals sweeter than Cheerios on weekends, and we were limited fairly small servings of dessert, and that only after dinner. We'd sometimes have soda, or popsicles, but they were a rare treat. My mom was really good about cooking varied meals with lots of vegetables, and I was a very un-picky eater. I really loved Halloween, though. We'd get several pounds of candy trick-or-treating, and I'd make it last. My sister and I got a small allowance, and I didn't feel like "wasting" it on candy. I suppose that meant that I wasn't addicted yet. I credit my parents for that. I'd also go on walks or jogs with my parents fairly often, and my schools had decent P.E. programs.

I suppose that part of my journey in my adult life is to return to the healthy relationship with food, and with my body, that I had as a child.

In high school, I gained ten pounds. I was shocked. Thinking about it now, it may have had something to do with going on Paxil, an antidepressant. I was also, obviously, depressed, but I had basically been depressed for as long as I could remember, so that was nothing new.

I think, after that, that I was a little more thoughtful about what I ate and how much I exercised, but my weight stayed the same until my junior year of college. That year, my weight first went down 10 pounds in a single week because I was so anxious my appetite was low. I even threw up on the way to class once. Later that year, I had a manic episode combined with a psychotic break and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

That's when things really got fun. I was put on Zyprexa, and let me tell you, that CHANGED things. I started feeling constantly hungry. Also, I started bingeing. I had never done that before. Furthermore, when I binged, it felt really good. I remember eating an entire bag of mini M&Ms one night. So. I ended up gaining 100 lbs over about 5 or 6 years.

The Depakote didn't help matters either, but I'm betting it was mostly the Zyprexa. I read somewhere that Zyprexa tends to give people diabetes. It certainly did for me. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2008, ironically after I'd started to take steps to start exercising again and control my weight. Also, as I've learned to control my Bipolar Disorder, I've been able to rely more on stress reduction, meditation, etc. and less on Zyprexa. Every time my dose has decreased, so have the munchies.

Anyway, there I was, looking and feeling like a blob, with diabetes. I'd read enough about yo-yo dieting that I really didn't want to do that. The group home I was staying at had meals included with the rent, but most of them were really sub-par, nutrition-wise. Often the vegetables were canned, overcooked, and disgusting, and the fruit varied from not available to boring old apples, bananas, and oranges. We had such delicacies as spam sandwiches with american cheese on a white bun, or meatloaf swimming in grease. The fried egg rolls were delicious, but not terribly nutritious.

I got proactive and started buying supplemental groceries with my limited funds. I bought things such as carrots, fruit, celery, and cheddar cheese, because I despise american cheese with a fiery passion. I also began to walk every day. I stayed away from the disgusting fruit punch, because it was really not worth the carbs.

I tried limiting my carbs as part of a diabetic diet, and that worked fairly well for awhile. I'd try to eat maybe 3 or 4 carb servings (45-60 g of carbs) per meal. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it up. I felt in a constant state of terror every time I'd overeat, afraid that I would go blind or suffer other effects of diabetes. I wasn't actually overeating that often, but it wore down my will power after awhile.

Then I had a really difficult falling out with my best friend/ex boyfriend, and I drowned my sorrows in sugar. For several years. Until my blood sugar got so dangerously high that I had to start taking insulin. Then I took myself back in hand and started trying to limit my carbs again.

All this time I had been bingeing occasionally, or at least overeating fairly regularly. I'd have one or two or three buttered whole wheat tortillas with sugar, or several slices of pizza. While I was at the group home, the opportunity to binge was sporadic, though. I think I had given up going through multiple candy canes at a time by then, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, when I moved in with my boyfriend, Erik, the opportunity to cook nutritious food increased significantly, but I had to cook it, and the opportunity to binge also increased. One of my favorite binges was powdered milk. I'd eat a whole quart's worth in a sitting. There were also candy and cookies.

I realized that I was addicted to processed sugar and quit cold turkey in August 2013. That helped with the spikes in my blood sugar, but I continued to binge on fruit, powdered milk, crackers, nuts, etc. I also binged on things full of fat and protein, like salami.

I think it was an important step when I stopped hiding from Erik and instead asked him to help me. It works really well to put the crackers on a high shelf that I can't reach easily, for instance. He is also very good at noticing that I'm bingeing, and asking about it, without being judgmental. Having someone like that in my life is awesome.

I'd been searching for a support group for awhile before I found this group, and I'm glad I found it. It's been really helpful. Just sharing my stories, letting it out, is healing.

I've been working on listening to my body and what it needs for some time now. Knowing when I'm feeling physical "stomach hunger" and when I'm feeling emotional "mouth hunger" is really useful. Also, listening to what foods I'm craving, and searching for the healthiest food which will meet my need, has been vital. Just today, I realized that I hadn't been getting enough salt. Drinking salt water made me feel better than I had all week.

I've also been working on how I view food. Some people view food as fuel. That might work for you, I'm not knocking it, but works for me is actually the opposite. Food is a sacrament. I don't want to waste the effort of the farmer and cook, the sacrifice of the plant or animal, to doing something that is detrimental to my health. I want to eat food, respect food, be mindful and present while I'm eating it, so that I can fully enjoy it and so that it can nourish me.

This week, when I was feeling really bad, I got really determined that I was going to kick bingeing's butt. I resolved to quit eating in front of the TV or computer, quit eating outside of meals (except when my blood sugar levels indicated a snack was in order), visit this site regularly, and thus quit bingeing. I realized that creating an environment for myself in which I am unlikely to binge is the most important thing I could do for myself, and by extension for the world, right now. After all, the pamphlets in the airplanes always say to put on your oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. When I feel better, I am more willing and able to help others, so it works out.

So, you valiant souls who have reached the end of my saga, what is your relationship to food? Are there any parts that are going right? How has it changed over the years?