Thanks for taking the time to read. I’m 25 years old and I’m currently at the lowest point in my life, both mentally and physically. The terribly frustrating part is, I have so much to be grateful for – an incredible boyfriend and loving family and friends, a solid career, a new apartment, and my mother is finally cancer-free. However, all these positive things are overshadowed by my overeating and addiction to food. In the past year, I’ve gained 20 pounds. I keep photos of myself when I was fit and healthy hanging on my bulletin board in hopes that it will motivate me to get that girl back, but those “inspirational” photos are laughably weak in comparison to the bullying grip that my addiction has over me. Whenever I look at those photos, I feel the most crippling sense of hopelessness that sometimes I can’t help but crawl in bed and sob. Seeing my clothing from a year ago has the same effect on me – I keep my old dresses, jeans, and formal attire in my closet, convincing myself that “YES, you WILL fit into that again! Let this frustration MOTIVATE you!” It doesn’t.

I took the “Are you a food addict?” test, and answered yes to nearly every question – I feel depressed and disgusting after I binge, I avoid social situations because I feel like I have no appropriately fitting clothes, I try and justify my eating habits, I continue to binge even though I know I’m going to feel hopeless and awful afterwards, I don’t reconnect with old friends because I’m afraid they are going to notice my weight gain. The list goes on and on. I also have this gnawing fear that my boyfriend will begin to find me fat and unattractive, and he’ll leave in search of a more appealing girlfriend. I realize that is very superficial – I know my boyfriend loves me very much, but it’s still a nagging thought I have constantly. I started really packing on the pounds when I went from working as a waitress and also a nail salon receptionist (constantly moving) to working as an administrator at a sedentary desk job. I know that weight gain is common in these situations, but what I didn’t know is how hard it would be to control my eating habits. I work in NYC, so not only am I surrounded by tempting foods constantly, I have very little time to prepare healthy meals (I have a long and fairly stressful commute from New Jersey). If we have a client meeting in the office, you better believe I’ll be first in line to eat the leftovers from the catered lunch (even though I’d just eaten lunch myself). Just last night, my boyfriend and I worked late, and ended up eating cheesesteaks at midnight. I wasn’t even hungry. However, I walked into a cheesesteak shop, and I physically couldn’t leave empty-handed. Last night was the moment I realized I actually have a problem, and lo and behold, here I am writing all this down. When I stumbled upon this forum, I felt sad that there are so many of you going through the same struggles as I am. At the same time, I’m relieved that it’s not just me. I hope that I can find help and answers here. I also want to be a resource to people – that is why I’m sharing my story. I never want anyone to feel as hopeless and out of control as I do now.