Food Addiction Support Group

An individual suffering from a food addiction disorder frequently experiences episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binging, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control. They will eat much more quickly than is normal, and continue to eat even past the point of being uncomfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by a period of intense guilt feelings...

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steampunklady 12/02/2016

Hello, not sure how to start this, but I will. My name is Maddie, and I am addicted to food. I try not to let it define me, and I try not to let food control my life. Unfortunately, my weight has contributed to a number of health problems, constraint embarrassment, and a very low self esteem. My mental health is at high risk, and I have done the best thing I could have done for myself a few weeks back-admit myself into therapy. My therapist said this is my first task, to join a support group. She suggested going to one in person, but my anxiety cannot handle even the though of walking into a room where these kinds of feelings are shared. I've been contemplating this for days already. I hate talking about my weight, my issues, my depression, and all the horror that comes with an addiction. Now if you met me on the street, you would have no idea I had an eating disorder or that I just got done stuffing myself to sickness. To the outside world, I am a happy person who heals people. I am a social work intern, working to earn my license in social work. I do not work, interning and classes are 35+ hours a week as is. I hate not working. I used to make good money, bought what I wanted all the time. I appreciate money now, and the time that goes into earning it. I recently married my best friend, he is incredible and truly is my soul mate. Our dream is to grow old together and laugh daily. He is my light, and my biggest support. He is understanding of my issues, but I do not talk to him about the extent of it because I do not want it to affect our marriage. Hence why I seemed out professional help. I will be done with my bachelors degree in the spring, then on to my masters in the summer. College, low finances, odd scheduled hours, irregular hormones, depression, anxiety, mom living with us, weight controlling everything-these are my stresses. I try very hard to keep that positive energy everyone around me thinks I have, but it's just an outward reflection. I have lost a lot of friends, and isolated myself over the years. I am very often disrespected, shot down, told I can't, and ignored. I have been silenced, and this is what makes my positive nature diminish. I try to be happy, I try to love life, I dream to love it one day. Right now I am trying to organize my thoughts and figure out who I am, and what I need to do to improve me. I do not love me, I do not want to be who I am. I have become a different person, but I know there is my passionate soul somewhere under all this mess. I'm here to gain support, not pity. I've been heavy my entire life, some of the reason is related to my body condition, but most of my weight issue is from binging. I did not realize what it was until I asked myself what could be wrong with me. When my therapist told me how high of a risk I was, and how I could change my life around-I decided I will try. I will try my best to take her advice, and work on me. I've all I got, if I'm not healthy or here, I wont be able to be that powerful social worker, a rock star wife, or a loving mother. I want to change me for the rest of my life, I want to live.

Patience1970 12/02/2016

Hi Maddie you are doing the right thing admitting you need support. I am 45 and have always struggled with yo yo weight. I want to be healthy but can't seem to stay away from the foods that hurt me.

steampunklady 02/02/2017

It sure is hard, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I am a victim of a terrible disease.

djai 02/02/2017

Maddie

We are so much more alike than I thought! I am thankful to have a person I can relate to in this group. I am a social Work major as well me will continue on to the Masters program next summer after I complete my bachelors. I am disgusted with my body and hate to look in the mirror but i too put a smile on my face to hide everything I'm feeling inside from family, friends, colleagues, and my cohorts. It's terrible, I just want to wake up from this nightmare (my reality).

steampunklady 02/03/2017

That is really awesome!! Good for you!! What part of the field are you focusing on? I myself have to fake a smile always, I try to pretend that people do not see me for my weight but it has to be obvious when I do not fit into my clothes. Do you feel as if every waking moment you are struggling with your weight? I have gone over this with myself often, recently I have really felt the impacts of it. Unfortunately, when I wake up, I am tired and feel lazy-weight. When I go to eat breakfast I already am craving terrible foods, so I drink water, but still, those cravings-weight. Getting a shower feels SO good, I like to shower twice a day sometimes because I feel so unclean with all this fat, but showering is also a huge chore and I feel tired after getting a shower from all the bending and twisting-weight. Getting dressed is a nightmare. I do NOT look good in ANYTHING. I am always struggling to find something that speaks my personality, something that is comfortable and that FITS. I have terrible luck finding clothing, it is so bad sometimes that I break down crying in a fitting room because nothing fits all the way. It is always too tight around my back or my belly. I try to get away with leggings, but I saw my reflection once walking down a hallway, and my legs shook with fat the entire way, this made me sick to my stomach. I cannot wear flats, heels, wedges, anything fashionable because it is uncomfortable or doesn't fit my fat duck feet. Getting in and out of my car is a pain, putting my seat belt on is ridiculous. Fitting into a booth at a restaurant, not even possible. Walking across floor that is not very stable, shacks all over and creaks. Chairs creak everywhere in public. Have to use a bigger cuff to take my blood pressure at the doctor. Can't wear an underwire bra or thongs anymore. Zipping a coat is silly because when I go to sit down I just bulge out of it and can hardly move. I dream of using canoes and hiking, all things this fat body cannot handle. My hair styled looks nice, but halfway through the day it is ruined by sweating or constant touching because I am always touching my clothes and pulling on them or looking at my hair because I am worried what I look like since walking from one classroom to another makes me out of breath and aching. Walking to my class from my car parked on campus, out of breath and feel like I walked a mile to get there. Walking and talking to friends is nearly impossible, Exercising causes insane pain everywhere, yet I dream about how good it feels to be a regular person to exercise. I wish to do yoga someday. I did it once and it was so much fun, that was when I was 175 lbs., almost 200 lbs ago. I'm making a list at this point. Everything I do, it is very hard. Nothing is easy, to others it is second nature and to me it is a struggle. I just wish I could wake up in the morning and feel healthy, feel lifted by my soul, dance, exercise, meditate, hike, boat, seek adventure and journeys. Today I bought some healthy foods and a non-GMO protien powder. Been being good at eliminating access snacking by drinking water when I have a trigger to eat. It is hard though, it is like "really though, you want to eat so just eat". I can't wait to stop eating the way I do, and eating healthy wholesome foods. I will get there. I jut have to stay committed. This whole thing really is a state of mind. It is changing my mind about life as a whole, I wish it could happen overnight, but it will take some time. Today is a good day. I will try to stay strong tomorrow and so on. I hope you are having a good day. I hope finding someone who has a lot of the same issues you feel alone with is liberating, and good for you. If today is not a good day for you, then I hope tomorrow is. I hear your stuggle, I understand it, I am here to be a friend to you through this addication. One day at a time, our future is in our hands. :)

elise7793 02/21/2017

Dear Maddie,

I can so relate to the happy on the outside-sad on the inside feeling. I too have support from important people (I'm 23 and have great support from my folks), but I am anxious about my achievement, relationships, & body image no matter what other people say. This fact frustrates me to no end.

I completely support you where you are now. Your goals are admirable, but your passionate heart, as you call it, is the most treasurable part of you. I hope you continue to find support here and in person. You totally deserve to let your heart soar!

One thing that helps me that doesn't affect my body, but touches my soul, is to listen to good music. I would strongly recommend Jami Sieber (http://magnatune.com/artists/albums/sieber-unspoken?song=1), a musician who began her craft through improvisation. If music is not your thing, what lifts your heart? Try to get creative with whatever that is. How can you incorporate the beautiful into your life every day so no matter what else, you have something peaceful to fall back on?

Much love, hugs.

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