My life in your hands.

Dr. X... do you realize?

You have my life in your hands?

When I come to you for help because I am in PAIN -do you realize that I am NOT coming in here for multiple test and pokes and probes and embarrassment because I have nothing BETTER to do with my time?

When I ask you what I can do for the pain- and you tell me that you arent going to give me drugs because drugs dont work for my PAIN...why dont you realize that it does help me. Why else would I be asking?

When you tell me that all I need to do is stretch, relax, eat better, exercise and stop being "lazy" do you realize- that I agree with you that these things can help but if I was able to MOVE in the first place... I would DO these things. It is NOT about being lazy.

When you are determined to believe that I am spending all my time wishing you would give me pain medicine so I can get high- just consider for a minute ( if you have the time to care) the trade off. Do you really think (and lets say that this medicine gave me a high IF that is what you really believe) that it would be WORTH my life? Is it ...

Worth sitting in the house in pain - missing an entire summer because I cant get out and enjoy myself. Are you boating? Camping with friends and family? Im not.

Worth missing family functions and the joy of seeing the people that you love and that you havent seen in a very long time?

Worth risking embarrassment because a family member doesnt understand pain therefore they might change their opinion of you and it breaks your heart?

Worth missing out on the big game and your son/daughter doesnt understand why you couldnt be there... all the OTHER parents were there and you are crushed.

Worth the shame you feel because you cant work like everyone else and you feel like a "complete waste of space- freeloader" and a person that cant "carry their own weight?"

Worth the fear and sleepless nights because I don't have a partner or anyone in this world to help me with keeping a roof over my head, heating to keep warm, electricity and the worry that I am that one "one paycheck away" from the streets and losing everything I have and worked for at one time. You see, pain is ganging up on me.

Worth missing out on making love to your spouse, intimacy and bonding with the one you love?

Worth not feeling like your "old self" and "your new self" feels so foreign that it scares you?

Worth feeling like "where did that sexy, beautiful woman go?"

Worth feeling the anger that bubbles up from nowhere because you think "the man in you" has slipped away and you are unable to provide for your family no matter how hard you try?

Worth the heart break that you feel because you love your spouse so much you want them to have the life they deserve and you think they dont have that with you?

Worth everyday waking up with hope that you will feel better today and sadness at the end when you dont.

Worth the aggravation that I feel when I cant get through to you that I know my own body better than you do?

Worth spending money that I dont have, going to Doctor after Doctor, only to find that they wont listen, they dont understand and they really dont care? I dont have that kind of cash to burn looking for one that does.

Worth the humiliation when I try to be my own advocate and ask for what I legitimately need and you decide that Im a "drug seeker" or "doctor shopping" when I am not. Do you think its possible that you have judged me unfairly due to the actions of another individual that has nothing to do with me? Is it that Timmy acted up, so the REST of the class has to stay after too, in order to set an example?

Please consider that there are responsible people suffering in pain that have to take desperate measures and do what you consider...

** "Drug Seeking behavior" is it possible they ARE "seeking drugs" because pain has literally taken over their lives and they have become desperate. Who wouldn't "seek" a chance to be functional and enjoy life - no matter how long that took? Doctor? Wouldn't you?

**"Doctor Shopping" is it possible that they are shopping around for the best Doctor they can find? You seem to forget that in reality you ARE... working for them so in turn, you CAN be fired. It is possible they will have to see multiple "bad" doctors... before they find the "right" one. Then that would technically be called "doctor shopping" correct? I have the right not to like you and the way you practice and if I feel its in my best interest... the freedom to move on. Pity the poor sap that doesnt find doctor "right" on the first visit. According to this logic, it is better to settle for what you don't want rather than a chart that says, "this patient is a sneaky doctor shopper" that shouldn't be trusted." To me, that is a lot of unfair power and manipulation.

Dr. X ... please consider a refresher course on pain management, medications and patient rights. You don't have the facts. A person in pain does not "get high." And even IF that were true...do you honestly think that it would be a realistic trade off for a life made up of these types of challenges? Why do you come to the conclusion that everyone wants pain medicine for recreation and not a bridge to a better life? Everyone deserves to enjoy and participate in their life to the fullest - feel like "normal" people that make plans and set goals.

So when you are out living your life, please take a moment to think about what someone else might be missing. Your life is not more important than another.

Do you realize that you shouldn't have my life in your hands?