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...when they ask how you are doing?
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*WARNING: I realized after typing this that I am very long winded and verbose so I'm will post a TL;DR version right after
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I take a very strong stance on not lying to people for any reason and always try to be 100% honest...or at least I used to. Crazy and hard, I know, but I felt strongly that you should always aim for this. Some people got mad at me. Some people stopped asking my opinion because they knew I'd actually give it even if it wasn't the answer they were *asking* for.
That doesn't mean I was a jerk about it. If I saw a friend with an ugly shirt, I wouldn't run up and tell them, "Ugly Shirt Alert!" but rather I would just keep my mouth shut or if they asked me I'd say "Not one of my favorites" or something else that expressed my opinion without being mean.
Realizing later that my opinion is sometimes best kept to myself even if it is asked for and even if it is true, I would, in those cases, try to stealthfully (and usually successfully) redirect them in such a way that I would never actually answer the question...but I didn't lie and everything that I actually said was the true.
I know that brings up the issue some people saying deception without lying is still, in spirit, a violation of truth but stick with me for a minute.
Let's fast forward now to the present. I still hate to lie to people but now I do it anyway because I don't think people really want or need the truth sometimes. My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like "There is breathe in my lungs and I live another day. What more can we ask for?" with a big smile, depending on the person asking. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am and use "How are you?" as "small talk" to fill the silence. It's almost rhetorical. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
I have an Aunt that is helping me find alternative treatments and such so I basically have to tell her if I am improving or getting worse and my parents can usually tell how I've been doing do I don't try to hide it from them. Two friends, on different occasions, that know my physical health struggle but not about my Bipolar asked me how it was going and if it was getting any better, I was honest and basically regretted it immediately both times. Sad faces and apologies followed; the mood changed and I felt like such a downer.
So screw it, I'm a liar. When anyone, close friends included, asks me how I am, I am superman. I'm on top of the world and it is my oyster. Nothing can get me down because life couldn't be better.....now let me go home so I can contemplate how I feel like I have no real future, purpose in life, or expectation that anything will ever get better.
My biggest problem with having followed this resolution? It gets easier after a while, habitual almost. Years ago, before my physical ailments, I would always tell people I was "marvelous", "stupendous", "wonderful" even though I struggled with my mental illness despite my staunch stance on not lying to people. I would instead lie to myself everyday and try to believe that I really was doing well. Being around people helped back then, too, and if I was in a manic state then sometimes I actually would feel like I was on top of the world and able to do anything and everything!!!
What does everyone else think? Just tell everyone you are doing good? None of their business anyway even if they are a close friend that really cares?
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
What about lying to keep people from keeping bad or getting their feelings hurt? Is honest always the best policy? Should you tell a friend "I just don't want to hang out with you tonight because you've been getting on my nerves lately" or say "Sorry, I already made other plans." or "I'm not really feeling well"
I really want to know how others see this.
I want to be the awesome, fun, care-free, happy friend again. I don't want to be the sick, yet awesome, friend struggling with tough times that they pity. I almost never peel back the mask to let anyone see the real me and now I'm kinda regretting that I EVER did because I have no way to take it back. Now they have seen and it cannot be unseen and unknown. But then again, if I don't, are my close friends really my *close* friends or just people that I happen to hang out with.
But back to the topic at hand. Are you liars?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*WARNING: I realized after typing this that I am very long winded and verbose so I'm will post a TL;DR version right after
------------------------------------------------------------------
I take a very strong stance on not lying to people for any reason and always try to be 100% honest...or at least I used to. Crazy and hard, I know, but I felt strongly that you should always aim for this. Some people got mad at me. Some people stopped asking my opinion because they knew I'd actually give it even if it wasn't the answer they were *asking* for.
That doesn't mean I was a jerk about it. If I saw a friend with an ugly shirt, I wouldn't run up and tell them, "Ugly Shirt Alert!" but rather I would just keep my mouth shut or if they asked me I'd say "Not one of my favorites" or something else that expressed my opinion without being mean.
Realizing later that my opinion is sometimes best kept to myself even if it is asked for and even if it is true, I would, in those cases, try to stealthfully (and usually successfully) redirect them in such a way that I would never actually answer the question...but I didn't lie and everything that I actually said was the true.
I know that brings up the issue some people saying deception without lying is still, in spirit, a violation of truth but stick with me for a minute.
Let's fast forward now to the present. I still hate to lie to people but now I do it anyway because I don't think people really want or need the truth sometimes. My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like "There is breathe in my lungs and I live another day. What more can we ask for?" with a big smile, depending on the person asking. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am and use "How are you?" as "small talk" to fill the silence. It's almost rhetorical. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
I have an Aunt that is helping me find alternative treatments and such so I basically have to tell her if I am improving or getting worse and my parents can usually tell how I've been doing do I don't try to hide it from them. Two friends, on different occasions, that know my physical health struggle but not about my Bipolar asked me how it was going and if it was getting any better, I was honest and basically regretted it immediately both times. Sad faces and apologies followed; the mood changed and I felt like such a downer.
So screw it, I'm a liar. When anyone, close friends included, asks me how I am, I am superman. I'm on top of the world and it is my oyster. Nothing can get me down because life couldn't be better.....now let me go home so I can contemplate how I feel like I have no real future, purpose in life, or expectation that anything will ever get better.
My biggest problem with having followed this resolution? It gets easier after a while, habitual almost. Years ago, before my physical ailments, I would always tell people I was "marvelous", "stupendous", "wonderful" even though I struggled with my mental illness despite my staunch stance on not lying to people. I would instead lie to myself everyday and try to believe that I really was doing well. Being around people helped back then, too, and if I was in a manic state then sometimes I actually would feel like I was on top of the world and able to do anything and everything!!!
What does everyone else think? Just tell everyone you are doing good? None of their business anyway even if they are a close friend that really cares?
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
What about lying to keep people from keeping bad or getting their feelings hurt? Is honest always the best policy? Should you tell a friend "I just don't want to hang out with you tonight because you've been getting on my nerves lately" or say "Sorry, I already made other plans." or "I'm not really feeling well"
I really want to know how others see this.
I want to be the awesome, fun, care-free, happy friend again. I don't want to be the sick, yet awesome, friend struggling with tough times that they pity. I almost never peel back the mask to let anyone see the real me and now I'm kinda regretting that I EVER did because I have no way to take it back. Now they have seen and it cannot be unseen and unknown. But then again, if I don't, are my close friends really my *close* friends or just people that I happen to hang out with.
But back to the topic at hand. Are you liars?!
Is it just better to lie sometimes when they ask how you are doing?
My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like that. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
What about lying to keep people from keeping bad or getting their feelings hurt? Is honest always the best policy? Should you tell a friend "I just don't want to hang out with you tonight because you've been getting on my nerves lately" or say "Sorry, I already made other plans." or "I'm not really feeling well"
i know exactly how you feel. I would tend to agree when it comes to friends who i know don't actually care to know how I am. But i would tend to disagree about my actual close friends. Yes, thank Gd i have friends who I know actually care. And if for some reason they don't actually care- it's their fault for having me think otherwise.
I think that one of the best ways to actually get close with people is by sharing my difficulties and issues with them. They share back. I understand that they may not have as many problems, but if they are real friends- they help you through whatever you need them for.
If you are talking about firends who are just fun to be around- and whom you don't actually trust- or don't actually want to let in on your issues- then by all means- just "lie". I don't think that these people expect you to open up about all the pain you've been in and all the issues you have (not that you have a ton of issues- just saying the general "you"). Therefore, I don't think that refusing to do into detail about all your issues is really lying. You know?
It's none of their business. Not to mention, I'm sure they couldn't care less. So yes, according to your definition- I lie sometimes. But I just don't consider it lying. I might consider it- emphasizing other parts of my life that are going super well.
cake
I am very close with a friend of mine and his wife and I have shared things with them that no one else knows. It's a little over an hour drive now to actually see them and we don't get to see each other often anymore. Last time they were in town they took me out to dinner and asked what I had been doing since I last saw them and how I was feeling. I am unemployed, waiting on my disability claim response, and don't leave the house or visit with anyone. I mostly just lay in bed in pain all day. How pitiful would that sound? I just said "nothing new" and that I wasn't really feeling much better "but I'm trying some new stuff so hopefully that will help" since I had already told them a little a while back about how I was doing physically and mentally. That last time when I told them just some of the problems I was going though, I think I could literally feel their sadness from across the table. Honestly, I don't have anyone that I talk to about what I'm going through or the despair it causes me. Part of me doesn't want them to see that side of me. The broken side. I don't want them to see that every time they look at me. I feel like it should be my burden to bare along but I don't know how to bare it.
As for friends, acquaintances, and our medication condition, I honestly don't think anybody wants to hear it. It's not that they don't care, it's just that everybody has their own lives, and as you said, the burden is yours. It's not like they can actually do anything about it - they can't take your pain and feel it for you. It just hurts them to know how much you're hurting.
My "honest" answer to someone I believe is asking out of sincere concern runs on a spectrum from "I'm hanging in there" to "Not a good day to ask." For the rest, the ones I believe are simply engaging in socially required niceties, I say "Fine how are you?" to which I expect an equally bland response.
My loved ones know when I am lying but know why, too. The rest do ot care till you pass out on them, IMO.
As far as "little white lies"- The only time I fib is when I know someone will be hurt by the cold hard truth. Like if someone got a haircut and I think it's awful, I'll focus on something like "Wow, you went much shorter this time..." or "I see you got some layers put in!" I will try to avoid directly answering their question.
I know exactly what you're saying about "peeling back the mask". I don't feel like ANYONE close to me has gotten a "good look" under mine- not truly...
I've never had anybody dig for details - it's enough to know I'm not having a good day.
Some days even I'm bored by the details :)