Fibromyalgia Support Group
You're not alone in your pain. Fibromyalgia is a condition that can be difficult to diagnose and manage. If you're trying to cope with pain throughout your body, sleep problems, general fatigue, or other common fibromyalgia symptoms, you're in the right place. The community is here for you to talk about therapies and share your challenges.
My husband (who was recently diagnosed with fibro) is starting to get better enough that he's wanting to do things again, which is awesome. But now we have a new problem... he doesn't seem to think anymore about how his actions might affect me. Some examples from the past week:
1.he spent $300 on a new blu-ray player and surround sound without talking to me about it- we always make financial decisons over $100 together, and our washing machine isn't working right and we don't know how much its going to cost to fix
2. He planned a massage appointment for the evening after the kids are in bed, without thinking about how he's going to get there (he can't drive rightnow because he had a seizure in January related to sleep problems and they took hus licence away for 3 months just in case). i asked him for days to come up with a plan or cancel the appt, and finally at the last minute he called a friend to come babysit so I could drive him
3. He went out for a late lunch with his dad, then decided they were going to a movie too, but forgot to tell me and turned off his cell phone for the movie. So I last saw him at 2 pm and he didnt come home till 10. Then when he saw my facial expression, it was like he was totally shocked that I wasn't happy and he had no idea what could have been.bothering me.
I dont know what to do. I know these things probably seem minor, and one incident by itself wouldn't be such a big deal...but he didn't used to be like this. I think its the fibro fog messing with his ability to think through things. But its hard for me to balance between being understanding and not being a doormat. I can be patient, but I'm human too, and I need him not to forget me and to be considerate of me, especially since I'm doing everything right now to take care of the kids (a toddler and baby) and the housecleaning. But every time something happens, and I try to explain to him how it makes me feel, he ends up soooo sad because he didn't mean to treat me like that, and then I feel soooo guilty for making him sad!
Sorry so long... advice please?
1.he spent $300 on a new blu-ray player and surround sound without talking to me about it- we always make financial decisons over $100 together, and our washing machine isn't working right and we don't know how much its going to cost to fix
2. He planned a massage appointment for the evening after the kids are in bed, without thinking about how he's going to get there (he can't drive rightnow because he had a seizure in January related to sleep problems and they took hus licence away for 3 months just in case). i asked him for days to come up with a plan or cancel the appt, and finally at the last minute he called a friend to come babysit so I could drive him
3. He went out for a late lunch with his dad, then decided they were going to a movie too, but forgot to tell me and turned off his cell phone for the movie. So I last saw him at 2 pm and he didnt come home till 10. Then when he saw my facial expression, it was like he was totally shocked that I wasn't happy and he had no idea what could have been.bothering me.
I dont know what to do. I know these things probably seem minor, and one incident by itself wouldn't be such a big deal...but he didn't used to be like this. I think its the fibro fog messing with his ability to think through things. But its hard for me to balance between being understanding and not being a doormat. I can be patient, but I'm human too, and I need him not to forget me and to be considerate of me, especially since I'm doing everything right now to take care of the kids (a toddler and baby) and the housecleaning. But every time something happens, and I try to explain to him how it makes me feel, he ends up soooo sad because he didn't mean to treat me like that, and then I feel soooo guilty for making him sad!
Sorry so long... advice please?
I don't know how old he is, but maybe he is going through male menopause also with the pain from fibro.
I don't know, I cant help you. I am the one with fibro and the 24/7 pain but I still would never do that to someone.
I think a refresher speech on "WE ARE A TEAM" may be in order.
So the next step can be: "Honey, I am so glad you feel better. We're a team, however, and we need ot be sure we're talking about things ahead of time so nobody gets a nasty surprise." (I swear I should trademark that sentence I've used it so often!)
And then the next thing should be
WE NEED TO TALK TO YOUR DOCS. and be sure this is not fibro or med related. I have epilepsy and fibro, so I know the meds for either can be nasty (I in fact don't take meds for fibro---it's either epilepsy or my other health issue!)---and you can "fuzz" out pretty easily.
Honestly, tho', chances are he's just so glad to feel better he's like a kid outta school, head-first into the summer fun b/c like us, he is terrified deep down it will not last. Read a lot of our posts, and heaven knows, so many threads start "Overdid it b/c I felt good" or words to that effect.
I know it's really tough when a spouse can't drive. I have epilepsy as well as FM, and I don't drive b/c of that "fuzz out" from my meds. I haven't had a seizure in a good while but that's not the point---my meds still mess me up enough I don't feel safe driving---and it's a pain in my hubby's butt at times. So big hugs to you....
And just take deep breaths, sorry so long in reply, been down this road (My hubby once drove home and said, "Hey honey, look, I got us a new car!" OMG. It took me a week to get mad b/c it was that long for the shock to wear off!)....
Leo
I have never acted that way with or without Fibromyalgia. I think it sounds like something else is actually going on. Good luck.
We might sometimes talk too much about it or spend too much time on the Internet looking for answers, but becoming narcissistic isn't really a symptom.
Definitely talk with him, but talk to his doctor(s) as well.
To me, it seems to be more a cognitive change than a personality change. Since his fibro symptoms developed, his ability to plan things out and think through situations in general has been affected. It's not just my feelings he seems to sometimes forget (although thats what I wrote about because thats the hardest to take). For example, if I'm driving and he's giving me directions, he can't seem to think ahead to tell me what lane I should be in. Or if we're out getting groceries, and we need to do one more errand, but its close to supper time, he will want to squeeze it in instead of realizing we should go home and make supper and save that errand for another time.
I attributed this to the fibro fog and sleep issues
I don't think asking us for an excuse for him for what he does and doesn't do that you don't like is the answer.
That example of him wanting to do one more thing before going home, that has nothing to do with fibro, That's just people, trying to get that errand ouf of the way instead of going back out later.
That's just life, that's living with another person.
Maybe if you read and researched on here like fibro. org and all those great education sites it would be better.
Right now personally you make me feel like I am mentally incapable of being human and I know that's not right.
People do things because people are human and doesn't matter how many years you are married, they wont ever be perfect in your eyes. Maybe you are expecting to much and you are judging everything he does to harshly, instead of realizing that's married life.
Maybe next time you go somewhere you don't know where you are driving to, get on the internet and print out instructions or if you have gps in your car enter the address.
I feel offended, Do you want us to say, yes we are selfish, yes we are crazy,. yes you shouldn't rely on us to tell your where to go you should look it up yourself.
We don't know him, I don't think we should judge him or your relationship.
Maybe I am taking it all wrong but it seems everything you find wrong with him you blame it on fibro and throwing it in our faces like we are that way also.
I don't know this post has hurt my feelings and upsetting.
His actions are not Fibro Fog, they sound more like the lashing out of a teenager. Maybe he is angry with the world that he is sick, maybe he is trying to capture his misspent youth, maybe he needs therapy to cope, but whatever it is, it is Not Fibro.
I suggest that you get him to therapy or have him talk to you, but either way, put your foot down. You do not deserve to be treated this way
I am just trying to understand my husband. At first he was so deeply foggy all the time that he wasnt "there" at all, and i thought I lost my best friend and partner. Now he's starting to get better and come back, anf sometimes he's the person he used to be, but sometimes his actions don't make sense. I am just trying to understand him insteaf of just getting mad. I'm not trying to blame his actions on fibro, but since he didnt do things like this before, im trying to figure out if they're related. Im trying to understand him so we can fight this together, rather than having it tear us apart or end our marriage. Yes I have beenrresearching on other websites too, but honestly you have to take what you find on the internet with a grain of salt, and you can't exactly ask the internet a specific question - I thought this message board could be a place of support and a resource.
So I'm very sorry that I offended you. If I could delete the original post to avoid offending anyone else, I would.
Thank you to everyone else for your responses, especially leo. I feel lime you really understood me. Thanks.
personality conflicts arise with chronic pain because we are tired, angry, indenial, take your pick. aneuro check and a therapy session to be sure bases are covered. it is not FM, tho. i can be a beyotch ut it is usually lack of sleep or something.... NOT the FM.
good luck
His behavior sounds very manic to me. But in any event I would strongly suggest that you go with him to his Doctor and talk to him about it and see what the Doctor suggests. His behavior is very inconsiderate and selfish to say the least. I hope that you will be okay and that he gets the help he clearly needs. He clearly needs to seek medical help for sure! This is more than Fibromyalgia. This is something going on with him mentally and needs to be addressed.