Hi all

I have been wanting to post here for a while but I feel really embarrassed because I dont participate enough. I check in and read through the threads every few days, I get great comfort from reading your posts, but often I just feel so overwhelmed with fatigue I cant find the extra energy to write anything. I hope you understand.

I want to ask advice from people who actually have Fibro, rather than people who dont - I have a big dilemma about my future and I dont know what to do.

I posted last year about the huge life change I went through, age 51, leaving behind life on a disability pension back in NZ after I was offered a job and an apartment rental here in Germany by a friend, and the opportunity to earn my own income again by teaching English here part time. When I arrived here, my friend had changed her mind about the job offer, but I was lucky enough to make the right contacts and find my own clients. I always knew it would be a risk, but I wanted to give it my best shot - to actually earn some money and try a new life before I became too old or too sick.
I also felt that there would be better treatment for Fibro in this country - with the language barrier and having transport issues- I havent been able to find the right doctor yet.

Up until now, despite having a series of viruses over winter, things went better than I had ever dared to hope. Within a short time I had a steady clientele of corporates who hired me as a Business Trainer, and I could work my own hours around being able to rest during the day when the pain and fatigue got too much. The hourly rate is good here for trainers with the right qualifications, and I started to feel I had successfully carved out a niche in this pretty, semi-rural region of south Germany. The new language has been a challenge, but my German is getting better steadily, even if it makes my brain hurt some days!

Well, after all this success, things have gone off the rails a little lately, and I feel like my Fibro body has let me down again :( I can see why and when the balance tipped and I went into a flare after feeling like things were under control for the past 6 months or so.

Up until mid-March I was working around 25 hours a week (if you factor in travel time on public transport it was around 30). I felt like this was going to be sustainable income wise since my rent was on the cheaper side and with having no kids to take care of now, I can manage with buying not so much food and keeping my living costs low.(Food is much much cheaper here than in NZ, btw).

Anyway, a few things changed recently. Seeing as I was coping so well and developing so much confidence in my teaching, I accepted a very interesting contract as a lecturer in the local business school (a very respected campus) two full mornings each week,which I felt would be a great career move, plus I was offered a contract with Deutsches Telekom to run a 12 week training programme for their technicians. When I get offered interesting work, I find it very difficult to turn down and I usually love the chance to get more experience working for different clients.

At the same time my so called friend' has decided to put my rent up on my little apartment twice lately (which I have just discovered is not actually legal under German tenancy law) and I got a big bill from the health insurance here for back payments they hadnt previously charged me for.

You can see why I felt like I had to say yes to the new work contracts and even with working these extra hours things are still tight financially. The worst thing though is that my body has let me down badly - three weeks into the new regime (which involves getting out of bed at 6am a few mornings each week) and I feel like Im dying.
To make things worse Ive been getting very nasty emails from my ex husband in NZ demanding more money for the support of our teenage daughter. By the way, when I was the primary caregiver he could never front up with more than the bare minimum of child support, saying he didnt earn enough money.
Now its the other way around, and he is telling me to work harder, and work longer hours to earn more money - how can I tell him I am already doing the best I can?
Im sorry to sound so down, but I felt such a sense of achievement and success after reaching my goal of returning to work, earning my own money again and not being dependant on disability any longer. I felt like I had to up my hours because my living costs were going up, but now I dont know how I can carry on at this pace. By Friday evening I feel like vomiting with the extreme fatigue and migraines - and does anyone know the feeling of being so exhausted that they can not even sleep?

Lately I have spent all weekend in bed, in pain all over, and I have no energy for any kind of exercise or social life whatsoever. This is not what I wanted for my new life. I often feel lonely and lost without my family and support network here too. I cant afford to buy a car and the public transport in this small village is terrible!

Now I also feel like Im going to have to look for a new and cheaper apartment too since my friend wants to raise the rent and I dont feel very welcome here any more. Even if I refuse to pay the extra charges (as I am entitled to within law) it would ruin the friendship and feel incredibly awkward since we live in the same house (the apartment is upstairs). I just feel so sad and overwhelmed and trapped on a wheel of having to keep working these extra hours to pay the essential bills. A big part of me just wants to give up now, pay off my bills here, end my contracts, and somehow find the money to buy a ticket back to NZ. I miss my daughters dreadfully and feel guilty about leaving my ageing parents (I used to help them a lot with their property back in NZ).

I dont know what to do..whatever choice I make has huge implications and I don't know which is the more sustainable or even sensible. I feel like a failure, and I hate the power that Fibro has over me to keep on coming back and ruining every achievement I have attained, and sapping every last bit of energy I fought hard to retrieve. Of course I keep getting well meaning people telling me that if I eat the right foods and go to the gym, workout harder, you will push through the Fibro. Of course, why didnt I think of that??

I guess no one can tell me what to do, but I just wanted to share my dilemma and my feeling of hopelessness with the few people in the world who might understand and feel some kind of compassion or empathy. Do I give in or keep fighting? and what is giving in anyway?
I cant seem to make good decisions any more - I am just too exhausted. I dont trust myself any more, my brain feels overwhelmed.

Thanks for reading so far, I dont know what I would do without this group!