I've had a chronic pain condition in my bladder for several years now (IC) and it makes intercourse incredibly painful. Having sex is next to impossible because of the pain, and as a young woman (22 years old) I've been struggling with sex/having a fulfilling relationship without sex for years. When I first started experiencing my pain I was 17 years old and was in a relationship with a man who did not understand my dysfunction. He often used my not being able to fulfill his needs sexually because of my pain as a form of emotional abuse that eventually turned into physical abuse against me. Our relationship lasted only two years before I found the strength to leave, but I have struggled ever since with my body, my sexual capabilities, and sex ever since.

When I first found out about my condition, I worked so hard to try and figure out what was going on with my body and accept all that comes with having an untreatable chronic pain condition. But this was incredibly difficult while I had someone so abusive tearing me down every day, telling me that I was inferior, sexually inadequate, and less of a woman because of being unable to have sex. His abuse was incredibly impressionable and took an unforeseeable toll on my emotional well being and fostered the negative feelings that I have about myself and being unable to have sex. Although we are no longer together, I still have a difficult time shaking his words and overcoming the pain that he made me feel about my body and my pain condition. This is something that I struggle with every day. 

A few years later I am in my first relationship since my horrible abusive one. I was very nervous to attempt to start dating again because I didn't know how to break it to someone that I can't have sex without being in pain, and I was very afraid of facing rejection and emotional pain. Now, my boyfriend and I have been together for several months and he knows about my past relationship and what I have gone through, and about my pain condition as well. He says that he is very accepting of me and my condition, and I know that he loves me very much. Saying that the difference between him and my abusive ex boyfriend is like night and day is an understatement and I feel so lucky to be with someone so understanding, but I still can't let go of feeling so poorly about myself.

I constantly feel bad for him that he's with someone that can't provide for him sexually, as we're both so young and should be enjoying ourselves. I feel like I'm robbing him of having a normal, functional, healthy sex life/relationship. He reminds me that he loves me and that sex isn't everything, but I am still so conditioned from last relationship to believe that it is everything. I try to feel comfortable with him, but mostly I find myself completely over analyzing things in our relationship, trying to detect if he's bored of me or sick of our sexual situation (or lack thereof). I'm driving myself crazy trying to find red flags that I know in the back of my head aren't there, but it's like I'm waiting for the inevitable rejection and hurt that I am so used to feeling.

Recently I've been driving myself nuts with constantly thinking about how a few weeks ago he would always tell me how much he loved me and how happy he was to be with me and that he wanted to be with me, which are reassurances that I truly need. Lately there's been a lessening of this talk and we haven't been seeing each other very often, and everything always leads back to me assuming that something has gone wrong and he feels different about me, probably reverting back to our inability to have sex. I want so badly to bring this up to him and to talk about my feelings, but I get paranoid about making yet another point about us being unable to have sex, and therefore making it an even bigger problem. I feel as though the more I talk about it to him the more he's going to realize that I'm dysfunctional and not worth being with because there are millions of other women who can do what I cannot. I'm constantly projecting the way that I feel about myself onto him, and turning my feelings into his feelings towards me, and although I can recognize that I'm doing this and that it's wrong I just can't stop myself. It's horrible to watch myself do this when I know that it's wrong and that I should trust in him, but it's just so hard to see myself as anything but inadequate. 

I feel like I'm hiding my feelings from him and it feels deceptive, but I'm always so scared to tell him how I feel in fear that he'll realize that my sexual dysfunction is indeed a problem in our relationship. On the other hand it feels silly to me, that this person that I'm with who is also a part of this relationship will one day just see that we can't have sex, even though they have been in the other half of this relationship for months and is fully aware that we haven't been having sex because I can't have sex. Like, obviously he knows? But I can't help but feel this internal tug of war in my brain about it. I just want so badly to be this nice, fun, happy girl, and not seen in my light of reality, as someone who hates herself, her condition, and her body because they can't overcome the abuse they endured years ago.

I don't think navigating my journey with my condition would have ever been easy, but I know that it was made a hell of a lot more painful by being abused while first trying to deal with it. I let the idea of sex still run my life and I don't know how to make it stop or to make myself feel better. I feel so guilty that I allow such a good and deserving person to be with someone who feels so badly all the time instead of a woman who's happy and can have sex. I don't know how to get a grip on my trauma and to allow myself to heal and be in the loving relationship that I never thought that I would ever be capable of having.