Female Sexual Issues Support Group
Sexual dysfunction or sexual malfunction is difficulty during any stage of the sexual act (which includes desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution) that prevents the individual or couple from enjoying sexual activity. Sexual dysfunction disorders are generally classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, sexual arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and sexual...
I'm a 28 year old perfectly healthy female (I don't drink, don’t smoke, exercise regularly, a recent doctor checkup, normal mental health, no traumas, not religious, and I don't take any medications) and I've never had an orgasm, and I never ever feel sexually aroused. I've tried all possible things with multiple boyfriends and I try to masturbate regularly, but it's so frustrating that nothing at all works. My friends don't believe I've never had an orgasm. My gynaecologist said there's nothing wrong with me, just keep trying. But I'm at this stage when I'm dreading of masturbation because I don't achieve anything and it only makes me feel frustrated and inadequate - it's more of a torture than anything remotely pleasant. I've been trying it for years and it still doesn't work. I have a problem in my current relationship because of my inability to orgasm/get sexually aroused. I'm not an anxious person normally, but I think I'm developing an anxiety over it. Please help! Has anyone been there and overcame this? Any suggestions what else i can try?
For myself, I started to notice at age 13 that I hadn’t yet felt any of the physical things that my friends talked about or that were mentioned in teen magazines. I had a huge crush on this one boy and would try to have a fantasy but it was all playing out as him just finding me pretty and wanting to date me, the fantasies never went beyond that. I felt like something was off and tried to tell myself that maybe I was just a late bloomer.
Fast forward to age 19. I knew something was up, different. I had never felt arousal at that point. The thought of sex scared me. I was still a virgin, and proud of it (probably because all the girls who would glare at me also kept pressuring me to have sex already with any random guy, I think they were jealous of it, it made me prize it even more).
At that point, I had told my family doctor. She had no answers for me. We got to talking, and we both suspected that I had went through some sort of sexual trauma as a young child (weird memories, fears, etc nothing concrete).
During my 20’s, I did lose my virginity. It wasnt my choice. I was angry and embarrassed. I didnt want to tell anyine because I blamed myself. The guy, a cab driver, told everyone. Small town. People then made up rumours about me. Called me a slut.
ME! Me! Of ALL people! Wth, right? Im still a little pissed. I was 20 years old. Okay, a lot pissed.
After that, I had no more fear about sex. I had convinced myself it would hurt a lot, and that was part of the reason why I had abstained.
I dated. Had sex maybe 6 times during my 20’s. Felt nothing. NOTHING. No arousal. I was trying. I knew something was up, or wrong. That’s how I felt about it. Lady doctor appointments always scared me. To the point where I was shaking with fear on the table.
Now, after having gotten stronger and learned more about myself over the years, I feel Im ready to start digging into my past.
I believe (as do many doctors, both medical and psychological) believe that I was abused as a child. I’ve started to get flashbacks and dreams this year. Im 38.
I went through a bad marriage with an emotionally abusive guy who wanted sex everyday. And, I obliged. I figured just because sex to me feels like the equivalent of someone picking my nose and him getting an orgasm from it, no need for my husband (were now separated) to have to go without. Whenever I did say no (like, literally maybe 5 times overall during our 5 year marriage) he would get violent and punch holes in the walls. This was a problem. One of many. I no longer felt safe with this guy (because I wasn’t).
So, here I am today. Separated, safe, and free to delve into my past. I feel like a private investigator on a serious case and I imagine an outcome that would lead me to ....possibly one step closer to feeling that feeling that so many others enjoy?
I have hope because.... when me & my husband were dating... during sex one night, I felt a tingly, lol. It lasted all but 3-5 seconds but it was enough to bring my hope. Like, what was that? And, can I have another? Not because my body craved it nor I was instantly healed (whatever to call it, I’m still not sure).... but, because it was new, and normal, and for those fleeting few seconds, I actually felt something and my body responded and I haven’t felt it again since. Not even once. Not even ‘almost’.
But, now, I have hope. And, I feel like delving into my forgotten past may be the key. But, for today, no thoughts or images or touching can produce any arousal at all. For today.
Honestly, it pisses me off. Who did this to me? Someone who couldnt even control their own horrific impulses. Part of me is looking forward to finding out who because all of me wants justice. And to feel normal, or to experience this thing that is a normal everyday occurance for the majority of people.
I found out people like us, many call themselves ACE. ACE/ARO, so many acronyms for one thing. I myself am just hetero. I like guys. I want to feel arousal. I want to be able to participate in sex and not just feel like, “okay.... time to get my nose picked again. Boring. Sometimes Awkward. but, I do it for you, baby/boo”. Lol
I laugh and I cry. But, I can laugh now because I have hope.
P.S. my husband never knew. I never had the heart (or later, the courage) to tell him. Though he suspected from time to time during the last year of our being together.