Okay so. I'm not sure if this is how this works but, it's worth a shot. I need help.

I'm 16 years old and i think there is something really wrong with me. 

I want to be normal and have sex like every other teenager my age, but my body (and mind) seems to be completely against me. I've tried many times with different guys, and even girls, to have sex, but I just don't feel any pleasure. Well, I do, but it never lasts for longer than 30 seconds. It's not like I peak quickly, I've never peaked at all, I just... loose all feeling? I'm not sure how to explain it. Everything will be good and feel good, but then it just completely goes away in the snap of a finger. The rest feels like nothing. Penetration does absolutely nothing, only good stimulus comes from, y'know, the clit. Ugh, I hate talking about this. Everything sexual is really uncomfortable for me to talk about, even think about really, but I really want to figure this out but theres no one in my life I can ask without getting judged or punished. I can feel sexual arousal but it's gone so soon. I've forced myself many times to have intercourse and during the entire time all I can think about is how I just want it to stop. It's a strong desperation if I'm being honest. Most of the time I just want to cry. I usually just fake it and pretend like i'm enjoying it until my partner finishes and we can move on. 

I'm not sure if this matters, but I also have intense issues with relationships. If I 'mess' with somebody, hell even if i kiss somebody, I instantly never want to see them again. Every relationship I've ever been in, well. Imedietly after getting in them I always think, "This is not what I want." I want to leave them immedietly but I never do. I'm not that good with sticking up for myself. I honestly have never loved anybody, hell, never had so much as an inkling of a crush, which I guess doesn't really bother me since I'm kind of a withdrawn person. I'm not super socialable due to my abundance of anxiety, and I'm never comfortable if I'm hanging out with more than one person at a time. 

Which wouldn't really bother me if I could at least have sex! Why can't i just be normal? Can i not feel love? Can i not feel sexual graification? 

When I was 14, I was raped. I'm not going to go into it much because I think that's where alot of the mental stuff comes in, but the physical stuff was happening before it happened which perplexes me even more and makes me feel like smething is really, really wrong with me. I can't even blame it on my trauma. 

Every single girl I've ever talked to about odd sex feelings have always told me that "it get's better." I've tried so hard to get to where it starts getting better. But it's been years. It's still always the same. I've forced myself into so many situations hoping that it would be the one that fixes me, but it never is. I only ever want it to be over just as quick as it began, and then I can't stand the sight of myself or the sight of the other person. 

Even when alone, by myself in my room doing, y'know, it's still the same. Over so quickly and nothing great at that. I just want to be normal. Have a relationship. Love somebody and give them both my heart and my body but it seems like it'll never happen. I mean, after every time I have sex I shouldn't feel so disgusting, tainted even, that I'd be content with never, ever, doing or thinking about sex again. Both from a mental and physical standpoint. It even makes me feel nauseas.

Please help... 

So much of me is messed up. My home life, My social life, my mental health! Why can't I just have the one thing that every highschooler in the world is chasing after?