Once again, for no particular reason, I decided I'd come back to the room that's "feeling alone" and keep it company and yes, I know I'm just babbling on about nothing in particular.

I know I thought things were horrid when I'd visited here before but they've gone even more south since then.

I now literally spend full days without hearing a live human voice let alone any kind of two way conversation.
The rare occasions those happened have now drifted away like the fog in a breeze.

I have to wonder just how long can a person live without human contact outside of the cashier in the grocery store or a dr. visit? Haven't been able to find any stats on that one but I'm sure someone, somewhere has done a study on it. Surely I can't be the only one that's existing like this but in the end, I hope no one else is.

Common sense dictates all I have to do is get dressed,, get in the car and go someplace, even just walk around for a bit in the town mall. Granted, my severe OA would limit me to only about 15 min. but it would at least put me in the same space a other humans. This darn socio-phobia isn't helping anything either.
So much for common sense though. I've got a lot of that but no energy and now no desire to do anything anymore.

It all comes down to why bother? Every last thing I ever enjoyed doing has been taken from me because of illness. "Friends" have lives to live and don't need someone that can't keep up with them around.

My son and I are now officially estranged thanks to an incident on FB that showed up on my home page and I asked him about it because it was something totally out of his character. To make a long story short, he refuses to believe I didn't just create that out of nowhere and that I'd upset his wife to the nth degree by asking about it.
His email had been hacked a couple times and I was the recipient of messages with viruses embedded in them, fortunately I caught them b4 they infected my system. I called to give him a heads up about that to but that also angered him so now, I just blocked his email addy. That really doesn't matter though since he rarely, if ever did send me anything to begin with.
His oldest son (13) just had major surgery a week or so before this and I can't help but think the fear and stress of that got the best of both of us and this is the end result. Unless something horrid happens post surgery I'll no longer know how GS is doing or anything else.
Life sure does have some interesting twists and turns, doesn't it? Here I'd thought just holding up through the surgery and such was the worst that could happen, never dreaming that stress would cause what it did.

I did get a wonderful opportunity to actually carry on a phone conversation the other day with a young man that had spent many of his growing up years with my son and hanging out at our place. He's only 43 and essentially as disabled as I am. Fortunately for him though, he has a family and friends that stay in touch with him and help him keep going no matter what.
The "visit" was so very enjoyable. Afterwards, I ended up taking a trip down memory lane so to speak and remembered all the good times and the person I was back then. BIG mistake. All those lovely memories instead of giving me a smile spun me into an even darker depression. I dearly wished he hadn't called but he's the type that does try to stay in touch at least once in a while. It's not his fault I can't handle the memories, that's on me.
As much as I enjoyed it, I'm deeply thankful it rarely happens.

Today is yet another day of ok, I'm awake, I'm alive, now what? There are things I should be doing, even for a little while but the interest/desire just isn't there.. One day just blends into the next, same show, different day.

Yes, I have a therp again....I'd dropped her last year because I didn't feel I was getting anywhere and went to yet another one which was worse than she was. I went back to her a couple months ago hoping this time I could get on the same page with her. We'd discussed CBT, I ordered the books after her saying she was going to find hers' or get new ones. I'd understood we'd be using the books in our sessions with me doing the worksheets at home and then discussing them in therapy. Darndest thing, she never found hers' nor did she order new ones. I can't see reading the text book and wrapping my mind around the theories without someone there to guide me. I've tried that and ended up feeling more like a failure as well as more angry with myself for ending up like this. The CBT seems so simple but at the same time, very complex. I don't do well learning from a book, I've always had to learn "hands on" so to speak, no matter what it was. This is no different.

Now I've developed yet another possible medical issue that no one seems to be able to figure out but is complicating my life even more. It involves my ability to grasp and hold onto things without them slipping or completely falling out of my hand(s) and creates in my mind an overwhelming sense of impending doom but not about anything specific. I get woke up at all hours of the night in a sense of complete terror, shaking, hyperventilating and fighting to get my breathing back under control and then that's the end of any sleep I might have gotten. It's bad enough hitting during the night but it's also happening on and off each and every day.
I am in absolutely no danger, I'm in a safe living area, no major crimes happening around here so I have no idea where this is coming from. All I do know is I need to find a way to make this stop. Rationally, it makes absolutely no sense and I'll be the first to admit that. Problem is, I can't figure out what could remotely be the cause let alone pursue a way to make it stop. Therp also has no clue and my psych provider has outright given up on me after the 3rd AD she tried me on once again caused nasty side effects I couldn't tolerate. Now she will only write for my sleep meds and nothing more. IF I want any other help, I'm supposed to go over an hour away to be evaluated.

My GS just had major surgery on his rib cage and I made that trip 3 days in a row and the pain was unrelenting.
If it hadn't been a GC, I never would have traveled that distance. I skipped one day and went back up one more day which really was pushing my limits to the nth degree in terms of pain. Fortunately he was discharged 2 days later so I didn't have to drive up there any more. The dr.s don't seem to understand that traveling more than 10-15 miles is just more than I can handle. It doesn't matter whether I drive or not, having to sit for that length of time and the usual bumps and such on the road are simply too much for me.

Well, dear room, for all intents and purposes, I've just given up. Now that I'm 68 I can look back and at least be thankful I had more good years than bad ones and this won't last much longer. I would tell you what I do to cope but others may come here and I know they wouldn't approve of it so I don't want to cause anyone any distress or have them angry at me. It's my circus and my monkeys. I'll run it in whatever way I can 'till the final tent comes down.

Enough babbling for now, I hope you have a good day whatever that is for you!!!!