How long have you been off the Risperdal? Long enough for that to be out of your system? Not for the first time, I felt the way you describe in October. That time it was because of geodon. Until very recently my life was hell because of it. These drugs help in many ways but we don't always realize at what cost. But, this isn't what I want to say to you.

I can't tell you how it will change or when it will change, but I can tell you that it WILL change. Here...I wrote this in 1990...

Post Reality

Guided by icy shadows
Sanity wanders through the night
searching for his partner, the Myth of Human Control.

Chased by the bloody howls
of Guilt and Fear
he finds himself imprisoned
in a dark wood.

And huddled in blackness, beneath a willow tree
alone he waits
looking for the light.

So,see, yeah, I do know what's like to be lost and alone or to feel alone in world of people...to hold a child while my heart bursts with love only to find myself a short time later nearly crippled with despair.

YOU WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE!

Thanks for sharing Kathy. I'm glad I am not alone. I took Risperdal last Dec for 4 days which was when I had my first suicide attack, I really should have called my pd and went in hospital but I just couldn't make myself do it even for my own good. So those 4 days I suffered much and on the 5th day I called my pd. He had me stop taking this med immediately, but it was too late, I was on my way spiralling downward with notthing to grab but hope. I ended up in the dungeon of despair and hopelessness, a deep dark depression settled over me for the next 3 months while my pd desperately tried to find aother med to work with my combo and bring me to reality. That med was Lamictal, I started at the end of March and have been stable (aaaahhhhh!) ever since. Risperdal was the worst med out of 41 meds I've tried over the years. I hope your right Kathy about coming out on the other side, right now things look very gloomy.

You were probably down as far as you could go and look, you're still here. Isn't that amazing? And YOU did it. Yes, you had help but YOU DID IT! You're moving forward. It might be baby steps but that's good, very good. And look at how much you love your grandchildren and what you wrote about watching them instead of tv. I'm a wee bit jealous, yes I am, because I don't even have children, but my siblings do so I know the love and joy they bring. You keep watching and holding on to those grandbabies! Hang on to any love that's in your life. You're a word weaver and a sensitive soul. Not everyone dares go to these dark places, instead they let them fester. Just keep coming back.

Do you see a therapist?

Yes I see a pd (Phyciatrist) she is new in town and I've only had one visit with her so far, next one in 3 weeks. My old pd I was with for 5 years, I miss him terribly and trusted him completly. It takes a long time for me to trust someone so I hope the process is faster with my new pd. I also go to CBT (Cognative Behavioral Therapy) therapy and have one on one with the Phycologist there. I am Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling and mixed moods, so probably all that I need is a change of meds or an increase?

So sorry wish there was something I could do to help. Hang tight and will be praying you get better soon. We all know lonely and there is a lot of us here for you to talk to at any time.
Hugs
Sally