i think these are some very honest and vulnerable statements here. I can relate to this. Peolpe who haven't been in this situation have no idea or understanding what it feels like and what you go through. I think some of us choose to be honest and accept reality for what it is. Some of us are more comfortable fooling ourselves. You have kind and understanding listeners here, no judgments. (((HUG)))

So true ButterCup. That is why I came here and stayed. HOPE is that kind of place. It is hard to learn when you have alot of "noise" around you or judgmental people looking to pounce on every email-nuanced word. Here we just put it out there the way it is, and we understand. When I hear the pain our friends express, I think wow, that was me not too long ago, and it makes me sad all over again. But sometimes we can see the light forward and try to help others along. It doesn't always have to be that way.

Like everything else, we can learn techniques and ways of looking at things differently. It helps. It really does. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Yes, only we can truly understand this situation.

hugs,
--EJ

The following words could have been written by me several years ago:-


"I spend holidays alone. I have no family to call when I need help. I know that if something bad happens to me, I have no back-up plan."

Something "bad" did happen to me, and my family were conspicuous by their silence. However, I survived and I'm in a far better place today, but there can never be any 'going back' for me. It's taken a long, long time to sink in, but they showed me who they were back then and, quite frankly, they disgust me.

My heart goes out to that woman. What she endured during her childhood was enough to cause her serious mental illness, but she survived and flourished - despite dispicable evilness of her parents.

Hugs

Kit

The following words could have been written by me several years ago:-


"I spend holidays alone. I have no family to call when I need help. I know that if something bad happens to me, I have no back-up plan."

Something "bad" and very serious did happen to me, and my family were conspicuous by their absolute silence. However, I survived and I'm in a far better place today, but there can never be any 'going back' for me. It's taken a long, long time to sink in, but they showed me who they were back then and, quite frankly, they disgust me.

My heart goes out to that woman. What she endured during her childhood was enough to cause her serious mental illness, but she survived and flourished - despite the dispicable evilness of her parents.

Hugs

Kit

We all went through it. In different ways, maybe, but it was all the same - serious emotional abuse. You know my story, Kit. In many ways, I will not go back either. I make an exception for my mother's condition, as much for myself, as for her. I would not want to feel bad about that later. But my siblings get no response from me. It's amazing now. They all seem to have these emergency situations that require my urgent attention. But I don't "lend" them money and I only respond long enough to figure out that the "emergency" is not really an emergency.

Yes, we have to protect ourselves. Life is much better that way. Thank you, Kit!

hugs,
--EJ

Epic, I think you've absolutely the right thing regarding your mother - for both of you. When your mother is no longer in the equation, you will be able to reassess how much / little contact you choose to have with your siblings.

Protecting ourselves has to be number one on our list, but we also have to work out a strategy for dealing with those pangs of longing that we're bound to get from time to time. Somehow we have to accept that any yearnings we may (occasionally) have are for a fairytale that never existed. We have to make our lives so rich and full that those yearnings eventually become a fleeting thought that can be dismissed as quickly as they came.

Hugs

Kit

Epic, I've posted an article I managed to find on methods of protecting ourselves.

Hugs

Kit

Epic, what a heart-rending story that is, and it's so sad that so many of us have been treated as 'not part of the family', too.

I think you're doing the best thing you can with regard to your mother and your family. We can't continue to give to people who don't really care what happens to us. The fairy story isn't real, and the best thing we can do is accept that.

I don't believe there are too many perfect families out there in this world, but some families are more dysfunctional than others, and that's when they need scapegoats to ease their own guilt and fear.

No more!

love and hugs
kamary

Kit and Kamary, yes, it is that balance of protecting ourselves and being torn to be part of the family that gets to us. But when I factor in the horrendous negative feelings of betrayal, they easily outweigh the "pangs of longing." I think there are "perfect" families out there. I don't know of any but, surely, they must exist somewhere. Whomever has one should write a book. I almost feel sorry for my family. What will they do now that I am no longer around to be scapegoated? I do hope they will be o.k.

hugs,
--EJ

LOLOL I do hope they'll be ok, too.

When I distanced from my FOO, made the decision not to allow myself to be used as the scapegoat, back in October, there was a silence for a while. I think the late invitation was an attempt to drag me back into my allotted place. Because of exhaustion, I also had to cancel my day with my sisters yesterday which resulted in another silence. I spoke with my eldest sister this morning. I think she can be the biggest bully of all but with age, and also the loss of our mum, I think she's become more practical about things. I think she knows full well that I've been the scapegoat and that I have decided I won't be any more. She treats me with more respect now. My younger sister is still silent after promising to call me as soon as she got home yesterday afternoon.

Yes, everything got to me this week, but now that I've had a couple of good nights' sleep, I'm thinking more clearly. I realise that it's her choice, as always, to be kind and thoughtful or not. She's the one with cancer and as far as I can tell, it hasn't softened her yet. I contact her regularly because of her condition. Would it hurt her to respond in kind? It's her choice.

I refuse to spend another minute wishing things were different. I regret the 20 years I stayed with my ex after he had one of his affairs. I almost left but I hoped and wished that things could be different, the way they used to be. Wishful thinking doesn't help anything.

love and hugs
kamary

Epic, I agree that the very real betrayal / abuse does out-weigh the occasional pangs of longing. Longing for what - more of the same? I think not!

Kamary, I think you've really got things sussed with your family and you're handling things well.

Hugs

Kit

I think another way to put it "learning the new normal." We don't like to think of it that way but abuse was normalcy for us. When we take back the power we have to adjust to a new sense of normalcy where we are no longer being abused and taken for granted.

hugs,
--EJ

You're so right, Epic. It's a case of "learning the new normal." I think that this takes place in stages:-

> Accepting that the abuse took place

> Accepting that the abuse was not our fault

> Accepting that our abusers are toxic

> Accepting that we do not have the power to directly change our abusers

> Accepting that our abusers are unlikely to change

> Accepting that we need emotional (and very often physical) distance from our abusers in order to heal

> Changing all sentimental thoughts towards and about our abusers (aka 'losing the fairytale')

> Changing our sentimental feelings towards and about our abusers (they will change when we change out thoughts)

> Changing the way we react to our abusers (learning to stay present and in our adult ego state)

> Changing our reaction to abuse (zero tolerance)

Hugs

Kit

ou're so right, Epic. It's a case of "learning the new normal." I think that this takes place in stages:-

> Accepting that the abuse took place

> Accepting that the abuse was not our fault

> Accepting that our abusers are toxic

> Accepting that we do not have the power to directly change our abusers

> Accepting that our abusers are unlikely to change

> Accepting that we need emotional (and very often physical) distance from our abusers in order to heal

> Changing all sentimental thoughts towards and about our abusers (aka 'losing the fairytale')

> Changing our sentimental feelings towards and about our abusers (this happens when we change our thoughts)

> Changing the way we react to our abusers (learning to stay present and in our adult ego state)

> Changing our reaction to abuse (zero tolerance)

Hugs

Kit

Kit, that's a perfect list. When you're at the beginning stages of realising that the family is toxic, it's not possible to realise what is the direct path to healthy thinking and loving ourselves. I know that you and I have stumbled along, supporting each other at different times, going backwards and forwards on the path. It's taken me almost 5 years to go from thoughts of suicide when my girls estranged, to a complete understanding of how it's ultimately up to me how I feel in any given moment. Other people are basically there to teach me how to grow and learn about loving myself first, and then how to love others from that strong base.

love and hugs
kamary