Nana and Kamary, when it comes to scapegoating and estrangement, especially, people believe what they want to believe. They sprinkle in a bare smidgen of truth covered with huge lies and fabrications and everyone believes it because it concerns you. Yes, I know that story quite well. The question is, why do we accept it?

I had another kick in the teeth this morning. There I sat last week like an idiot with my poor, dying mother, listening to all she had to say and feeling total forgiveness about everything in the past. She said she wanted me to plan a trip abroad, perhaps her last, with everyone in the family. She even agreed that we could save money by flying with 10 or more to get a bulk rate, and renting houses in Tokyo instead of paying for separate hotel rooms. Well, this morning, my brother told me that he was doing me a favor by telling me that secretly, my mother does not want me to go with them, and wants the rest of the family to plan the trip without me. Don't get me wrong. I know my brother is a cad, but even cads tell the truth sometimes. It was clear that he knew the details of the conversation that I had had with my mother.

In the words of Yogi Berra, it is deja vu all over again. A person should not have to choose between a dying mother and self-respect. Just when I thought I was doing pretty well . . .

--EJ

Epic, I am sorry. Since your mother asked you to plan the trip I would have a conversation about it and let her know what your brother shared with you. He may very well be telling the truth but it might help you to talk about this to your mother before she passes. That is if she is able to have the conversation.

I didn't realize until the problems got so bad with my dtrs and I began reading that my mother and brother had scapegoated me. I knew I had been blamed for most things while he was the golden child. it was always me that she wanted to put forth the effort or do the work but if she was goung to do something for anyone it was for him. If I said anything she would call me jealous. An example is when my kids were little - a 4 yr okd and twins 2 -- she would ask me to run her errands dragging the kids in and out of the car. She was raising his kids but then on most days she would cook supper for him and his wife not inviting me and my family after I had doen her errands. i finally told her that i had too much to do and it was too hard to do her errands and mine and she cold get my brother and sister in law to run her errands since she was handling his responsibilities with his kids and cooking their meals.

Thank you, Nana. Somehow I think talking to my mother will not help matters, but I am willing to try since it could not make things any worse. I will broach it with one of my sisters who generally, keeps my confidences. I will just ask her to speak with my mother and leave me out of the conversation. But just to see who she is willing to allow on the trip. That will tell me all I need to know. Of course, it almost hurts worse when you receive actual confirmation of this stuff.

In your situation, Nana, do you think your brother just went along with your mom's "favoritism" or did he add fuel to the fire by picking on you? I say favoritism, but it is actually emotional abuse, whether she sees it that way or not. Studies have shown that the favored child is often more adversely impacted by the scapegoated child because they develop a false sense of entitlement. What they did to us is wrong, Nana, but in a sense, it made us more capable.

I swear if my mother were not sick, I would turn right around and head for the hills. I wish her all the best, but when her time comes, I will have nothing to do with my siblings, except for the one sister. There was another incident this morning that I will share with the board later. I must have a huge sign on my back that says "Village Idiot!" It's bad enough when my FOO does this to me but when they do it all over Facebook, and I have to have some sympathetic cousins send it to me so I can be aware - it's pretty pathetic. Thank God I unfriended my brothers years ago but its still humiliating.

In the old days, the old guys would head down to the corner on days like this. Maybe I can find a good corner bar somewhere.

--EJ

mis-type "studies have shown that the favored child is often more adversely impacted [than] the scapegoated child . . . " sorry

I have asked my mother and brothers for years to let me scan old family photos so everyone can share them. We were a military family, and my mother told me with all the moving, she lost all of her old photos. It sounded strange at the time because I know she used to covet them.

My cousin sent me a facebook page from my brother's webpage showing two old photos of our family from the early 1960s when I was a child. He has been telling them for years not to share them with me, at my mother's behest. So I now have 3 photos out of hundreds. I want to ask my cousins for more but I don't want to put them in the middle. I have extreme anger right now but I won't say what I want to say. How the hell does it hurt them that I have pictures of me when I was 5 years old? What motivates people like that? Such liars. Such scapegoaters. Such ********. I am sorry, friends. You all have been nothing but wonderful to me, and I shouldn't vent here. Do they have to let the whole world know I am outcast? No wonder I left the country at Christmas. Something must have told me. How can my girls respect me when they hear this stuff on Facebook? I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I apologize. It's just pictures. I have God. I have my wife and children (most of them, anyway), I have loved ones and friends, and I have HOPE. I am thankful for what I have.

--EJ

Epic, I smell a rat here. Why would your mother ask you to organise a trip and then tell your brother she doesn't want you there? That just doesn't make sense. Sounds like either your brother made that up or your mother is riding both sides of the wave. Either way, it's a very painful place for you. I'm sorry it's happening again. I know if it were me, I'd probably pull out altogether. Why would you want to go on a trip with him? Is your mum well enough for such a trip anyway? Maybe she's just playing games?

I don't blame you feeling sorry for yourself. We're all entitled to a few minutes of that. And any wonder when the photos have also been withheld for such a long time. I'm constantly amazed at the things your family does. Thank goodness you have the one sister who is constant and sounds like she's sympathetic.

When things got too bad for me after my girls estranged from me, I prayed that I would stop caring. I wanted to be someone who didn't take things so personally, who could cope with people being hard and cold, and I wanted to stop wanting their love so badly. HOPE was the answer to that prayer. Kit and everyone here have helped me to deal with others better, and to learn the new habit that's most helpful - the one you recommend so often - not to take things personally. It goes totally against the grain because I am naturally one who wants to love and nurture others and I struggle with the way they treat me in return, but as time goes by, I am getting stronger and taking care of myself better, accepting that they are the way they are, and if they are abusive, it's better to stay away.

I think you're a very wise man, Epic. Loving those who love you and being grateful for what you have is the only thing to do. We really can't do anything about those we love who don't return our love. At some point, it's time to let them go with love, just as we do with our estranged children. And who knows? Maybe that very act will bring them to their senses and finally engender some respect from them.

big hugs and lots of love to you
kamary xxxooo

Nana, I think you made the right choice with your mother, too. As long as you were willing to continue doing the running for her, she would let you do it. I'm glad you said no and did what was right for you.

love and hugs
kamary

Epic, i think mybrother just ignired it and was inly concerned with what he wanted and what made his life easiest.he is a recovering alcoholic and a narcicist. He has npbeen married nad divorced 4 times and had several live in girlfriends. The strange thing is he and I were always real close until a couple years before my mother passed away. 8 years ago,i now realize enat made us close was me and how much I helped him. He got inti some troubke and had ti soend some time in jail. i was the one who helped him as go between with his lawyer and taking care of all the thi gs he couldn't while in jail, i saw how selfish he was during that time and when he got out of jail . I expected hi. To help care for our elderly mother but instead he would very rarely visit nor do anything dumping it all on me after had been done for him. Mither didn't have a will but had written a ketter to me telling me what she wanted done with her house and small amount if land. She had raised his kids which were grown by then. My niece had tajen her i lortant paoers hime with her and the morning after she died when we met with the funeral home my brother brought the papers to me. In those papers was a letter written to me and in it she told me what "she wanted me" to do with all ger business and that she wanted me to see to it that my niece and neohew git her house and land. She wanted me to screw myself and my kids out of everything. Afetr the funeral I told ghem taht I knew they had seen the letter and that it was not right but I would not stand in the way and that I was done. My brother had the audacity to aske me was I going to have the power tirned offon the house. I asked him what part of done did he not understand.it was like my mother wanted to hand me the knofe to stab myself in the back. I threw the letter away ot tnaoufht I did because my feelings were so hurt. My niece called me and needed the letter to have the deed changed. When I told her i threw it away she asked hiw I could throw it away that it was my mothes kast words to me. I said "yes. And they said screw you". My brother called and cursed me and I hung up and have haf only a few words conversation with him since.
I am sure they were all surprised that I didn't fall in with the plan.

Please excuse all the typos.

Nana, your mother was unbelievably cruel to you and I don't blame you refusing to follow her last wishes. If your brother was worth a pinch of salt, he would have offered to share the inheritance with you. After all, there was no legal will. The injustice could have been easily fixed. I bet they were surprised that you didn't do, yet again, what your mother wanted. Good on you!

love and hugs
kamary

Nana, Kamary, lovemyson, peace, kit, and friends, thank you, as always.

Love and hugs,
--EJ

NaNa, Epic...very cruel how you have been treated...Nana that was a total setup by your mom and i applaud you for taking care of you. Epic...youre not the village idiot...you are kind and caring and YOU HAVE a moral compass that neither your brothers or apparently your mother have. That story too sounds fishy as Kamary said. Epic, Nana, our family dynamics of scapegoat dont go away because someone ages or dies. I actually see more clearly the games my father has created with his 'flying monkeys' of my sister and younger brother. Kit posted an awesome picture about how the flying monkeys are the evil minions of the scapegoater. It IS phenomenally sad and cruel that the source IS in fact our parents. I have taken a giant step back from my Foo since the Thanksgiving heartbreak. It's too toxic in Crazy town as I've said before. IF we're NOT there they can't abuse us. If we're there its just more scapegoat games. I miss the father i 'thought' i had and it's sad but it will be healthier as I age to not deny the reality of WHO my abusers were and are. He won't change and neither will his games. Epic I'm sorry for your pain. I understand you want your mother's love but IMO she doesn't have the ability whether she's ill or not, it's a game with her flying monkeys, your brothers. You're the healthy one seeking love. Remember what you;ve told me about rebuilding? Nana your mothers last wishes were as you said her last power play of cruelty, good for you for blocking it. Cruelty IS as cruelty DOES. You both deserve better. Peace....LMS

Thank you, lovemyson. I see that you are becoming Kit. You really, really help to clarify and comfort. You also give the solution. Get out of Crazy Town. That is what I will keep doing, and yes, that includes not planning to be involved in the trip that they are all planning. I get it, now.

Many thanks, Lovemyson,
--EJ

That is a supreme compliment Epic...thank you.