I agree with you, Epic. I've maintained a safe physical distance from mine for many years now (I live in another part of the Country), but this year I've realized that I haven't been maintaining an emotional distance... Are those (very) occasional and utterly meaningless phone calls from one of my sisters, and those equally meaningless Facebook 'friendships' with a handful of family members really worth the pain they sometimes cause? Over the past few years there have been 4 weddings I wasn't told about, let alone invited to, and I get to see photos of family holidays with my sisters all grouped together - smiling happily into the camera. Short answer - No. So what is the answer - no contact whatsover? Probably, but I'm battling to sever that final connection for some odd reason...

Hugs

Kit

I refused to offer up large sums of money to support my sister while she was caring full-time for my mother, but I did contribute financially. I also took time from work to go over and visit and take her to doctor's appointments, etc. Recently, my brother sent an email listing everything everyone had done for my mother over the past few months and never mentioned my name. Instead, the email alluded to some "anonymous" family member who "didn't give a d*** about" my mother. I had to laugh. I responded by telling everyone how happy I was that my mother is doing better and reiterating how I am prepared to help in any way that I can. I told them how lucky we all were and how much I loved everyone.

They could not provoke me, so I took away their power to respond with more negativity. I am learning this "mindfulness" business.

love and hugs,
--EJ

Well done, Epic! That must have taken te wind out of your brother's sails! What an utterly childish and passive aggressive thing for him to do, and your response was sheer perfection :-)

I still can't get over the amount of money he tried to get you to hand over for your sister. Do you really think that that your brothers were going to match that sum (as implied at the time), or do you think he was trying to get you to stump up the full amount for all of you? I'm so glad that you said No.

Hugs

Kit

Good point, Kit. Since I was being cut out of the loop for everything else, I would have no idea what the money would be spent for. I've been down that path one too many times, and am not about to go for that again. Their problem is they keep trying the same old tricks over and over again, and can't accept that I am done with them.

I am happy. I am happy because I know I have done nothing wrong, and I let go when I need to.

hugs,
--EJ

Your FOO never cease to amaze me, Epic and Kit.

Epic, good on ya, mate! Far better to have them lying by omission about you than to have given and not been appreciated. I also had the sneaky suspicion you might be the only donor when your FOO requested money from you. You're doing really well.

They say that your FOO will up the ante when you first withdraw from the scapegoat game. Two of my brothers have not contacted me for almost three months now. The other has rung me but taken no interest in what's happening to me! At least I know what's going on.

I'm happy, too. I prefer to be in the driver's seat with this.

love and hugs
kamary

Where would I be without you all and this site! Such amazing advice that is much needed so thank you! <3

Epic....Dont you just love when so called family sets you up in a 'catch 22'...Had we not been 'conditioned' rather brain washed to think that our so called fantasy family would be there for us through thick and thin we would have seen their evil ways a long time ago. I think Kit and Kamary were right they were trying to trick you into supporting your sister so your mother could continue to be a victim of sorts. I do not mean to disrespect her, I'm aware she's ill however this is the sort of crap that happens all the time in my FOO. You sound so strong Epic, I can only hope to get there. Because my father has aged a great deal this last year the veneer is completely off on the throwing me under the bus comments. It makes pulling back and creating distance easier and yet it IS so sad to know that the LOVE I held so deep in my heart for him and my siblings was never truly there. I was merely a pawn in their dysfunctional game of put down to make themselves feel good. My new mantra since Thanksgiving has been 'What happened was really awful NOW it's over' ...at least that will hold me till Christmas Eve. I DIDN'T CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CONTROL IT, I CAN'T CURE IT.
Great work Epic..., Hi Peace Seeker, I agree. Peace everyone....LMS

My parents died within 16 months of one another, and it was during those intervening months that I came under attack, again, for the first time in over 20 years... I can only describe it as, initially, feeling as though I was being 'set up.' 4 of my siblings lived in another country, and shortly after my father's death one of my sisters said to me on the phone: "But he was never really a father to us, was he? It was Mother who brought us up. He lived the life of a single man and was never there..." I agreed with her and added how painful I'd found his behaviour whilst growing up, but that it was now gone and I felt nothing. This conversation was relayed around the family, and the next thing I knew I was being attacked (via one sickeningly poisonous letter after another) by another sister (the oldest) for basically saying "He's dead. So what? I feel nothing FOR HIM!" I tried explaining that what I'd said had been taken completely out of context, but it fell on deaf ears.

I am sorry for the loss of your parents and the way things were handled within your family, Kit. I have learned that often it is those among us who have suffered the most, who have the most knowledge to share with us. We love our parents on some level, no matter what they have done or failed to do for us. And when your siblings, under the pretense of sharing intimate feelings, twisted your words, I have to wonder how they could do so at a time like that.

The same is true with LMS. When she told us what her siblings did to her on Thanksgiving, I was shocked. How could these people feel it was acceptable for them to do this to a loved one? I feel for you both and am proud of the way you both have handled things.

As we share, we learn from each other. There is no end to the types of tricks, manipulations, and subterfuge that they engage in. We fall for it because we are not like that and want to think the best about them. We have to keep our love and good hearts, but also learn to be aware of some of these vicious tactics. Love, peace, and strength to you, friends!

hugs,
--EJ

Honestly Kit, I believe you have a right to your own opinion as much as anybody else. Your siblings do not seem to respect that.Your siblings becoming outraged at a statement you made about your father is their problem and not yours. It is about them and not you. That is evident by the way they twisted your own words.

I know this is an older Topic but I'm just getting to it....Epic spot on Topic...I copied and pasted in my phone....How true we begin to understand in a failed marriage to leave but not so in FOO. Like Kit and have trouble with the emotional distance, thats why I still keep my counselor. Old habits die hard. Kit I hear your story about your sisters game, my younger brother and father are quite skilled at the same technique.. How absolutely awful your sister did that, done with her. I read somewhere that this 'type' of personality is a 'banker' in dysfunctional relationships. They store information and dispense it to make themselves look good. (Tina Fey wrote a book on Mean Girls) I do believe 'our' parents are at the core of this behavior. They entitle, scapegoat, play one child against the other all to curry favor for themselves. Epic, I am leaving...I dont want my siblings games anymore. It's so very disappointing but I'm starting to see the nightmare of Thanksgiving as a gift because I see how deep the betrayal was, time to go. Peace....LMS

Kit, I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I missed it somehow. Thank you to Epic and Buttercup for bumping it up again.

I also don't understand why your siblings would choose to misconstrue and twist what you said so clearly. IMO, our siblings spend time talking about us when we're not there, and when that happens, you can bet there'll be a tendency to dramatise and blow up every little thing we do and say. We have no control over that gossiping. We aren't even aware it's going on, but I reckon when this sort of thing happens, it's because there's already an undercurrent about us between them. All it would take would be a sympathetic conversation and an appreciation of each others' thoughts and feeling, yet that seems to be something they're incapable of. It's almost as though they're waiting for us to say something or do something that they can use against us to further alienate.

I'm sorry that they made the loss of your mum even harder to bear.

love and hugs
kamary

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I missed it somehow. Thank you to LMS for bumping it up again.

Kit, I also don't understand why your siblings would choose to misconstrue and twist what you said so clearly. IMO, our siblings spend time talking about us when we're not there, and when that happens, you can bet there'll be a tendency to dramatise and blow up every little thing we do and say. We have no control over that gossiping. We aren't even aware it's going on, but I reckon when this sort of thing happens, it's because there's already an undercurrent about us between them. All it would take would be a sympathetic conversation and an appreciation of each others' thoughts and feeling, yet that seems to be something they're incapable of. It's almost as though they're waiting for us to say something or do something that they can use against us to further alienate. I'm sorry that they made the loss of your mum even harder to bear.

LMS, I understand why you're making this decision. It is disappointing that we can't trust our FOO to be there for us instead of attacking us, so what choice does one have? My FOO leave me out of things even when I'm present amongst them and I need to make a choice about how to go forward, too. We had our problems when Mum was alive but now that Dad is at the helm with his passive-aggressive ways and favouritism and deliberately leaving me out as well, it's a whole new story for me. I think you'll be a whole lot happier by not presenting yourself for more of what happened to you at Thanksgiving. I think you're right to go with your gut on that.

love and hugs
kamary

Kamary, i thi k you hit the nail spot on wher my immediate famiky is concerned, at this point it is my kids and 2 of the son in laws that is doing the scaoegoating. I know that they have talked about me because I received a text from one dtr that was meant for another dtr, the things she said I had said to her were exaggerated considerably. That was about 3 years ago. About a year later the same dtr told me in an argument something that a son in law had told her That I said and it was not true. This conversation she had told me happened at a ballgame. I am sure those arent isolated events. I believe they have told each other that I said things about each other that was exaggerated or untrue and was believed. It has caused a semi estrangement and nothing I can do about it. It is painful and I took a big step back from them and stopped doing all the contacting them and I realized that they werent going to do any contacting unkess it was necessary.

Nana, I'm sorry your kids are doing that. It's such a waste of good time, isn't it? A little honest communication with you would sort those fallacies out, but it's like they want the drama.

When my girls estranged from me, my second daughter told me it was because she'd heard I told lies about her father, my ex. Take one guess who told her I'd said them! She showed me the list she'd written down, and I was able to say I had not said any of them, though the first was pretty close to something I'd said. We had counselling about it and in the end she still didn't believe me and we had to end our counselling agreeing to disagree. I don't know why, but she decided to let it go, and we are reconciled.

You had no choice but to take that backward step.

love and hugs
kamary