Family Scapegoats Community Group
This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...
Yesterday I met a new friend for lunch. To get acquainted. We each shared a bit about our lives and families. I ended up sharing about my family, my role as a scapegoat and about my kids, some of whom are estranged. I usually do not do that with people until I know them very, very , well.
I felt pretty calm talking about this. I thought I was so past it all that it was just a factual sharing. But at one point, I started feeling my hands, mouth tingling, getting a little dizzy and my stomach clench up so tight with nausea I thought I was going to pass out. WTH????? We were surprised see that three hours had passed before we said goodbye.
When we did say goodbye I was in a daze and then went OMG I fear that I monopolized this whole conversation. Even though I know I heard about many things in her life, too, her kids, her past marriages, The background that we have in common. It was not all heavy and deep. We laughed and joked, too. And I have just been beating myself up horribly, unable to sleep last night or concentrate on anything today.
I am shocked by this reaction. Was part it was sharing my story--as you all know saying the truth about this is a big taboo in the narcissists, dysfunctional family. But I have not even seen this FOO since 2003. I feel that I am so past it. I am feeling horrible that I shared too much, too soon, monopolized the conversation, I don't know. I sent her a little note saying I enjoyed meeting with her and sharing some of our live stories. ,I could not believe we talked for over three hours and feared I may have talked more than my fair share and invited her to get together again.
I have been completely neurotic about this. I do not understand my own reaction, my worries and my obsession and being so hard on myself about this visit. And what else should I say to this lady? I guess just wait to see if she responds and then maybe check in to see if I really did overwhelm her with my intimate story. I know that she had a bit of that in her life too. If I did overwhelm her not let her get a word in or any of the other things I am worried about and can't seem to see it clearly, then I guess she just is not someone who will be my friend.
Am I even making any sense here? do any of you have an input. Or even what now I should say, if anything.
I felt pretty calm talking about this. I thought I was so past it all that it was just a factual sharing. But at one point, I started feeling my hands, mouth tingling, getting a little dizzy and my stomach clench up so tight with nausea I thought I was going to pass out. WTH????? We were surprised see that three hours had passed before we said goodbye.
When we did say goodbye I was in a daze and then went OMG I fear that I monopolized this whole conversation. Even though I know I heard about many things in her life, too, her kids, her past marriages, The background that we have in common. It was not all heavy and deep. We laughed and joked, too. And I have just been beating myself up horribly, unable to sleep last night or concentrate on anything today.
I am shocked by this reaction. Was part it was sharing my story--as you all know saying the truth about this is a big taboo in the narcissists, dysfunctional family. But I have not even seen this FOO since 2003. I feel that I am so past it. I am feeling horrible that I shared too much, too soon, monopolized the conversation, I don't know. I sent her a little note saying I enjoyed meeting with her and sharing some of our live stories. ,I could not believe we talked for over three hours and feared I may have talked more than my fair share and invited her to get together again.
I have been completely neurotic about this. I do not understand my own reaction, my worries and my obsession and being so hard on myself about this visit. And what else should I say to this lady? I guess just wait to see if she responds and then maybe check in to see if I really did overwhelm her with my intimate story. I know that she had a bit of that in her life too. If I did overwhelm her not let her get a word in or any of the other things I am worried about and can't seem to see it clearly, then I guess she just is not someone who will be my friend.
Am I even making any sense here? do any of you have an input. Or even what now I should say, if anything.
love and hugs
kamary
I was really surprised by all my talkng and my own intense reaction to it. I thought I was done with need cartharis about that. Done with strong reactions and shaking when talking about that. Will it ever be done? Will I ever be healed. Have spent my entire life working on that. but no matter how far Ive come, it always bites me in the butt. I am 70years old!
Today, I need to pick myself up and get myself together cuz I have a ton to do before going out of town for a week.
I will think about last week when I made dinner, got a cake and a gift to treat a friend for her birthday. We sat outside on my patio with a glass of wine til it got cold and dark talking. She had a problem she was stuck on and I pushed past my fear of speaking out and offered her my wisdom. It helped her break through her stuck and she was so appreciative. That I what I need to hold onto.
Yesss, I have a friend who gets started talking about people she used to know and all of the people they used to know and goes on and on. No chance to even get a "hmm" in. She does not have an "off" switch. Our other friends know this about her, we love her anyway and sometimes we just have to cut her off. Have no idea if she stays awake all night worrying about it or goes to her support group about it. LOL
I am just blown away by my intense anxiety, reaction to that visit. Tells me Im not as far along as I thought.
I think having been estranged by our own kids has a kind of PTSD effect on us. Because our estrangements were often out of the blue, and our kids don't actually give us the reason why, we spend our lives unconsciously wondering if we are doing it to other people, if we are overbearing, if we have to be 'right', if we are too happy, if we are too sad, too... etc etc etc.
I wouldn't beat yourself up. You are a kind, considerate and fair person who cares about whether you are monopolising conversation. That's better than being the one who rattles on regardless. I have a friend who talks non-stop, too, and she has a heart of gold, I've known her since I was 10 years old, and I'm not about to give her up for anything:)
We all have our moments when we let it all out for some reason. I think you and I found people who were willing to listen, and they are few and far between. Hold onto that one:)
love and hugs
kamary
What a wonderful response. It felt like a warm hug.
I was so hard on myself and that physical reaction out of the blue must have been some kind of PTSD thing.
"Because our estrangements were often out of the blue, and our kids (also my parents and siblings) don't actually give us the reason why, we spend our lives unconsciously wondering if we are doing it to other people, if we are overbearing, if we have to be 'right', if we are too happy, if we are too sad, too... etc etc etc."
This really makes sense what you said. And what a handicap that has been, right?
Kamary thank you for responding and your kindness. I really needed that today.
Hugs
Interesting that so many of us here are also on PEACE. The support and Insights we give each other has made a big difference to me.
I never even thougt about that until two years ago a therapist I was seeing said to me that if children see their parent treated that way, they will often step up to the plate to carry on that role. My childrearing days were HELL.
And I always carried the guilt for that. Wondering how every single person in my family had it in for me. How could that be...How could 50 million French men be wrong? Or however that saying goes. It must be me who is "wrong" Oh the shame I carried for sooooo long. Even after I realized the healthiest thing was to stop trying to get them to love me. I was vilified for that, too. "She's alienating herself from the family." Said the ones who ostracized and shunned, slandered me.
I went to that therapist to get help in learning how to stand up for myself. Other than that bit of wisdom she was NO help. Being here has really been what has been the best thing for me. It really is a cycle that needs to end. I feel like my kids were caught in a riptide that I could not save them from.
Still I am just shocked by my reaction this week. I am still reelin' from that, still feel as if I've been traumatized. Tired, foggy, down a bit. Even though things are going well for me now. So very weird.
I am going to the doctor for my annual next week and will check to make sure it is not anything else. Yesterday, my chiropractor accidently found a wide gap between the BP in my right and left side so who knows, maybe I had a little mini-stroke or something.
Thanks all of you again. So much love and wisdom here. Love you.
I got away from my abusive husband, my girls estranged from me for a while because of things he said, but I changed my way of thinking and my behaviour. Once on my own, I was free to find new ways. I didn't feel as though his huge thumb was waiting to push me down again every time I raised my head. I have also distanced from my FOO scapegoaters and am so much happier. People treat me differently. Even my own kids. Both girls are in my life again, and they are telling me that, at times, their father treats them the way he used to treat me.
A big reaction means a big change, so I think you're healing kbfree.
I think it's a good idea to see the doctor about the BP thing. Let us know how you get on.
love and hugs
kamary
My kids have relationships with the FOO but I no longer do. I just quit reaching and since I was 100% responsible before and it went one way or was abusive, there is now no more reaching out. Doing the same thing with my kids. I'm not involved with one-way or abusive relationships any more. LOL