I should add that anyone who is being physically or mentally endangered should call 911 or notify an adult whom they trust right away. That kind of abuse is unacceptable at any time or place.

We will agree to disagree. I believe that you don't owe your abusers anything, including "communicat[ing] thoughtfully, and lovingly . . . ."

When you have reached the point where you must be safely away from them, it's time to let them go. You can't change or fix them, you can only change you and you've communicated so many times over the many years and they have refused to treat you in a respectful way, thus the reason why you got safely away from them.

Different cultures and races find it hard to let go because of the ingrained aspect of what you owe to the family (I believe it was this board where the adult female that was married was being put out to prostitute herself because she was expected to provide for all of her adult family and their extended famlies and this infuriated her husband and caused them to break up), If you leave to be safe, it's time to let go, to get into counseling to get yourself out of it.

And the big issue here that all seem to forget is that the abusers need PROFESSIONAL HELP, and we are not that. Until they are ready to see us, pleading with them to love us, respect us and asking for what you need from them will have the same impact as always. The dysfunction relationship remains the same and the abuse remains the same.

Epic, I don't know if you meant it to come across that way but you almost sounds like a victim should apologize to the abuser for leaving them??????? Any adult that is a victim of either emotional or physical abuse needs to make a break in a safe manner; that means planning your departure in advance. Once that is accomplished that victim does not EVER have to have any conversation with an abuser. Abusers almost never change; what they will do is beg and plead with the victim in order to regain their control over them.

That would be the day I'd ask anyone that was abusing me in any fashion that all they had to do is get themselves help and treat me better and then WALAAA; You get to have me back in your life.

Abusers DO NOT know what the meaning of respect is; that are not sorry about anything that they do and they certainly are not entitled to a victims love, admiration or forgiveness at any point in the future! They gave up that right when the abuse began!

Seriously, do you really think that a victim needs to be thoughtful and loving to anyone that's abused them? Be careful of their feelings?

At what point would anyone feel that the abuser deserves the courtesy of a victim to notify them that they can not hurt them any longer.

I know you meant well here but geez! No abuser deserves the time of day and certainly not a victims understanding or be mindful of their feelings.

I would say just step away from them and get far away from them and don't answer phone calls or facebook messages, they will try to contact you just to get to you. Silence is sometimes a big help of not getting wrapped into the chaos again, but that is just my opinion.

I accept the experienced voices being expressed. I think "abuser" can range widely. Someone who yells and criticizes may not be in the same category as a sexual abuser, for instance. I was abused. My father stripped me naked, tied me up, beat me to unconsciousness with an extension cord hundreds of times over many years. My mother sometimes told him to stop but he beat her and my siblings regularly too. My father passed away 10 years ago and sincerely apologized to me about 5 years before he passed. My mother has never apologized and continues to abuse me by ostracizing me and spreading lies about me. I recently told my mom and siblings that I was done, but if we had a serious "come to Jesus," yes, I would be open to accepting them back into my life. in many ways, they were victims too. often victims are also perpetrators. I was recently diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but I have never been violent to anyone in my life.

Epic, there's no need to accept what I've stated previously. I'm not the voice of experience here; I've never been touched by that type of evil. To have endured what you've had to in your life, it's I that owe you an apology as I was a bit strong in my post to you.

I think if it worked for you to confront your father and he apologized and if that's what's healed you; then good for you! You are an amazing woman!

For others though, my opinion is that NO one has to ever confront, forgive or treat an abuser of any type with either respect, acceptance, forgiveness or empathy for what they've done to their victims. I become completely unglued and enraged when I hear of or read of any type of abuse towards anyone but especially children and animals. I think if I ever witnessed it first hand, I'd end up in prison because I would just loose my mind!!!!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Sincerely,
PD

I've been through real trauma too and have PTSD with flashbacks from what Mom did to me and PTSD is not curable. In fact I'm with the therapist now working though a triigger that has had me struggling with the PTSD flashbacks more than normal. I've seen too many abusers that were one with God and Jesus who used that as an excuse for their bad behavior and abuse. And I've seen people "fall out" from religion when something bad happens in their life. I began in God and Jesus, and so did my mom, but it didn't stop her.

The abusers may be victims themselves from childhood (my mom claimed she was) but that is never an acceptable excuse and is absolutely DOES NOT give them a pass. In fact, they know what it was like and they should be more synpathetic to their children. As adults they make a choice as to whether they want to hate what their parents/family did to them and stop it, or turn around and repeat it by doing it themselves to their own kids. To repeat it to their kids is really bad and they need professional help from psychiatrists/psychologists to work through this because you want them to actually stay with it and learn. The last thing we need in these abusers is to only go for bible teaching and ingrain in them "honor they mother and father" where they believe their abuse is justified because their victims are in the wrong. They do not get better without professionial help and working hard.

The space you leave by going and finding safety, leaves an empty spot in their lives. If they really decide at some point that they want you back in their lives, they can get professional help. It's that simply and you stay out of their professional help because you're not a professionial therapist or psychiatrist.

I SO AGREE WITH PD and have been picking up from you the impression that you feel abuse isn't serious and we can almost throw ourselves at the abuser's feet and beg them. It has concerned me. It's really not fair to the many here who have been abused by parents and family and have walked away for good.

God bless you pd2012. You are truly gracious. ATGB, I am sorry you take my views the way you have. it is really the very opposite of what I intend to express. My posts are about empowerment of the victim, not groveling at the feet of the abuser. I think you first have to get out of the situation any way you can, and then deal with the abuser in the way that most protects you and empowers you, even if that way is forgiveness. For me, the difference was contrition and sincerity. My father was the primary abuser, yet he humbled himself before me and consistently maintained that until his death. I feel incredibly empowered and relieved that I had the power and the faith to forgive him and Jesus did with us. Because of the denials and continued false witness by my mother and most of my siblings, I have chosen to distance myself from them. I do not deny that I love them because I do. And I forgive them, not for who they are, but because of who I am and what I believe. that does not mean that I will continue to subject myself to their abuse - I won't. But it empowers me to know that inspite of what they permitted and continue to perpetuate, I choose to forgive them. I trust that God is pleased, even though I have walked away from them. All of you have great perspectives that teach me. thank you.

I'll jump in here...

I'm going to think out loud and say that when you are a child, you are at the mercy of your abusers, but when you grow up and turn into an adult, it's sometimes the victim who gives the abusers the power to continue.

I used to perseverate on what my dad did to me when I was a kid. Know what finally set me free??? When (just a few months ago!) I looked my dad in the eyes and said, in a very level tone, "You can't hurt me anymore."

DeliAnnem, aaahhh, how empowering that must have been. So happy for you. Its amazing how a simple nonoffensive statement like that can be so powerful. Saying "you can't hurt me anymore," should not hurt someone - unless they are an abuser. They should never have had that power to begin with. good for you. blessings!

I hope there is someone that feels the same way I do. Recently I have posted on facebook. Actually I wanted to see photos of my daughters wedding, bc I did not have a camera on that day. I thought maybe some of my siblings could show me some of the ones they took. No one had enough photos, probably one or two only. Then I decided to put out my profile. I have posted a few things and no one, I mean, no one speaks to me, from my son to my daughter and siblings not one word. In person they are really hipocrites as well. At the moment I put them as friends because I don't know anyone else, and they are about 10. my real friends just don't go on facebook. I feel bad going on facebook bc of this.I want to post the good times I have with real friends. I just don't have the camera yet. So, I avoid facebook, it's almos as experiencing abuse in person. Although that is my experience.

Tatati, there are two good support sites on DS for family estrangement; PWWA and PEACE. You should join both; I think you'll see that there are many others that are working through estrangement issues, especially with their children.

PD

pd2013. How do you join or find those groups? I'm here bk. of family estrangement and am new, and don't have a clue how to get to those groups. Any direction would be greatly appreciated.