The best advice I can give you is that your life is just as important as hers, especially if you have people depending on you and caring for your mother will affect not only yourself but them. To me, she has made her bed.....

I'd like to think that the reward of good parenting is that you get what you gave.

I'd like to think that if an adult child feels bound to their parents, it's because they feel gratitude for their upbringing.

I don't think that because a parent sacrificed (or didn't!) for 18 years, that guarantees one to a lifetime of service by offspring.

Hmmmm. I'm not in your situation, but I like to think that if I was in your situation, I'd tell her exactly what you have told us. I would also definitely tell her about the ambivalence you have in bothering to make an effort with her after how she has treated you. She at least then has a chance to make some reparations for her treatment of you.

It doesn't sound like she has treated you like close family, so you don't really owe her anything. If you still care about her at all, you could be the bigger person and say goodbye and participate in all the formalities before she dies.

EJ,

Your situation sounds complicated by health, guilt, and an awareness of typical societal demands and expectations. I am respectfully going to disagree with the first paragraph of your post as I do not believe in unconditional love and support simply because your parent is your parent. Everyone's experiences are different and mother-to-child relationships are extremely complicated and fragile. Again with all due respect, you make it sound as if children have some sort of burden to take care of their parents unconditionally and not live their own lives. It would seem to me that if I have a reason to want to go and do my own thing, you could always counter with, "She sacrificed her entire adult life for you." My response would be, "So?"

If my situation had the attributes of the one you discussed in your second paragraph, I would wonder why that person does not feel that their life is worth more than its current state of "poisoning your reputation" and "telling everyone you are a liar." My question: what does accepting this humiliation do for you as a person? More importantly, what does it do TO you?

I can only compare this to my own situation, which in short is a disaster. Each time my mother forces her unrealistic agenda on me, treating me as if I'm 9 years old, it also makes me want to "go away." In many cases, she is my mother and I love her, but she simply refuses to accept that we are different people with different lives. Sometimes "loving from a distance" as a wise person has said in this forum is a great way to be happy.

It makes SOME difference that she is going to be passing away soon as you said. These are your last moments with her as you state, so attempt to enjoy them. It can be hard for us as people to accept verbal or emotional abuse simply because the other person has a disease or sickness. I never believe this is a reason to treat another person unfairly or unequally.

wonderful words of advice from all of you. thank you. Yes, I do feel obligated and it does take its toll on me, Oranges. I hear all of you saying that I need to think of myself too, and I agree. I am used to being scapegoated and I have to get off the hamster wheel. I will help her if she asks me for something, and I will call weekly to say hello. I will go to her funeral and say nice things about her. But I will also live my life, now, and drop the guilt trip.

thank you all, again,
--EJ

The way I see it, I didn't ask to be born. If a mother doesn't want to be a mother, she has to be responsible. If she can't handle that, then she should give her child up for adoption.

My mother didn't want me, and she made sure I knew it. She even treats my sister, THE WANTED CHILD, better than me. When I leave, I sure as hell am I not coming back. I'm breaking all ties. Why? Because I deserve better than to spend my life hating myself for the things she says and does to me. I deserve to live a happy life with a great significant other, and she can have no part in it.

EJ, I thought this was just a philosophical question you were posing.

Now that I know that it's about your life, I'd say that if you want to do something to keep yourself guilt free, offer to be power of attorney and be in control of her estate. Then, when she needs care, you can allocate her money to the correct places.

But as far as being there emotionally, I'd say you have a free pass to opt out. You don't have to be nasty, but if you're not feeling the love, no reason why you have to drain yourself.

Hugs.

Epic, my personal feelings on this subject is that every parent/adult child relationship is different. The closeness in any family depends on mutual love and respect. Every child/adult child wants their parents love, friendship and general support. If an adult child has had to endure years of unrequited love from their parent, who's to say that child must endure years more of the same emotionally debilitating treatment? Respect, friendship and and trust should be earned and not unequivocally expected.

Everyone has choices, your mother has made hers; none of which you have to take or feel responsible for.

You give so much to others out here, it makes me sad to hear this story. I hope you move forward also and let go of any guilt you may be feeling. It's not so easily done.

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's terminal illness but at this point in her life, she should be looking to make amends with her family. It's so sad for her. Actions have consequences, hopefully she'll learn this before it's too late.