Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hi All,
My husbands family is very large and he and his brothers/sisters are pretty close overall. He has one brother (Richard) that lives out of state that flies in every 3-4 months to visit and usually brings his wife. Richard is a nice guy although a socially awkward. He also has some odd habits that most people would consider unhygienic. His wife Kathy is not as well liked and most of the family considers her to be a huge pain in the backside. Very demanding of peoples time and has a certain expectation to be waited on hand and foot. Because their visits are usually very stressful for whomever they stay with, the family takes turns in playing host to them. I've met them several times and yes, they are a handful. My husband and I just bought a house and now, my extended family have made pretty clear that they expect for me and my husband to "take our turn" in hosting Richard and his wife.
For years, I have observed the frustration and occasional bitterness my husbands family feel towards these unwelcome visits and I now feel a little resentful that I am "expected" to "do my part" as they like to say. I have never liked having overnight guests and frankly, I don't want to join the ranks of the bitter martyrs by unwillingly offering up my home as a new place for his brother and his wife to stay. In addition to this, I am simply not the "grin and bear it" type of person and don't take it well when someone tells me what I am expected to do in my own home. I don't hide my feelings well and his family have realized they are ticking me off with their expectations on this matter, yet they still feel like I must do my part.
After a couple weeks of trying to be polite, I finally told two of my in-laws that I have no intention of hosting someone in my home just because they expect it. I reminded them it's my home and my choice. To try and soften that blow a little, I also let them know that I simply don't like overnight guests and that it would apply to my own family and friends. I've let people stay with me in the past and didn't enjoy the experience.
Now, my husbands family is upset with me and they think I'm being an uncooperative jerk. Frankly, my husband agrees with me 100% but he tends to go along to get along where his family is concerned. I feel like I have to stand alone on this issue and my husband knows I'm upset that he isn't more vocal in his support of my decision. I can deal with him though since I know he's trying to figure out a polite way of handling this.
It's a struggle since his family all seem to feel an obligation to do their duty with regard to this matter regardless of how uncomfortable, frustrated or anxious they are about it and I just don't understand that mindset. I believe that if a situation is that uncomfortable and making you feel bitter resentment, deal with the situation on your terms, not someone else's. Now they are resentful about potentially getting the very houseguest that are trying to foist on me and that bitterness has turned towards me. I like his family and it bothers me that they are so upset with me about this. I would like to resolve the issue without being forced to cave in to their expectations. Any thoughts on a polite way to handle this?
My husbands family is very large and he and his brothers/sisters are pretty close overall. He has one brother (Richard) that lives out of state that flies in every 3-4 months to visit and usually brings his wife. Richard is a nice guy although a socially awkward. He also has some odd habits that most people would consider unhygienic. His wife Kathy is not as well liked and most of the family considers her to be a huge pain in the backside. Very demanding of peoples time and has a certain expectation to be waited on hand and foot. Because their visits are usually very stressful for whomever they stay with, the family takes turns in playing host to them. I've met them several times and yes, they are a handful. My husband and I just bought a house and now, my extended family have made pretty clear that they expect for me and my husband to "take our turn" in hosting Richard and his wife.
For years, I have observed the frustration and occasional bitterness my husbands family feel towards these unwelcome visits and I now feel a little resentful that I am "expected" to "do my part" as they like to say. I have never liked having overnight guests and frankly, I don't want to join the ranks of the bitter martyrs by unwillingly offering up my home as a new place for his brother and his wife to stay. In addition to this, I am simply not the "grin and bear it" type of person and don't take it well when someone tells me what I am expected to do in my own home. I don't hide my feelings well and his family have realized they are ticking me off with their expectations on this matter, yet they still feel like I must do my part.
After a couple weeks of trying to be polite, I finally told two of my in-laws that I have no intention of hosting someone in my home just because they expect it. I reminded them it's my home and my choice. To try and soften that blow a little, I also let them know that I simply don't like overnight guests and that it would apply to my own family and friends. I've let people stay with me in the past and didn't enjoy the experience.
Now, my husbands family is upset with me and they think I'm being an uncooperative jerk. Frankly, my husband agrees with me 100% but he tends to go along to get along where his family is concerned. I feel like I have to stand alone on this issue and my husband knows I'm upset that he isn't more vocal in his support of my decision. I can deal with him though since I know he's trying to figure out a polite way of handling this.
It's a struggle since his family all seem to feel an obligation to do their duty with regard to this matter regardless of how uncomfortable, frustrated or anxious they are about it and I just don't understand that mindset. I believe that if a situation is that uncomfortable and making you feel bitter resentment, deal with the situation on your terms, not someone else's. Now they are resentful about potentially getting the very houseguest that are trying to foist on me and that bitterness has turned towards me. I like his family and it bothers me that they are so upset with me about this. I would like to resolve the issue without being forced to cave in to their expectations. Any thoughts on a polite way to handle this?
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Do you think having anxiety could lead into depression? What are your thoughts?
If the answer is NO, don't feel bad in setting your boundaries.
Just keep it about you! Say... "Oh my Gosh, I am such a nervous nelly I would go insane with other people in my home" " I am such a "germaphobe" I would probably throw out all the food I thought someone might have touched with unwashed hand.. you want no part of this my friends" .... I can recommend some nice hotels for you"
Then tell yourself.. " Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter"
I started going shopping on Sundays because my husband would invite his family over for football day. I was upstairs cooking for these people and I wasn't enjoying it.
I set a boundary. I will host the first game of the season, you can have them over as much as you want, it's your house too, but you guys are on your own. Your sister's can bring food, you can order pizza or YOU can cook something. But "Conzuela" is going shopping or watching lifetime network movies in the other room! ha ha
You could always compromise like that as well. Have them over, but say "no hostessing" is included.
If his brother wants to come a long way just to see him I think I would try and be at least open to the idea... It sounds like his brother just wants to spend some time with family and I don't see that, that is a bad thing however I do agree with SockittoMe that I would set boundaries re what you'll do and even perhaps the time limit... You're welcome for a week or something like that and perhaps " people here just help themselves" and if his wife is hungry she'll get it sooner or later
I think it would be hard to live a long way from someone who you loved and the idea of never seeing them would be at least very difficult for me
It might be bearable for a weekend. But then, do it once, and you know you'll be doing it again. If it's once a year...maybe it's worth the effort?
Maybe you can go away the weekend they're coming? And let your husband cope on his own? (It IS his brother...)
Or just bite the bullet and refuse. Your in-laws, as you've found out, aren't going to like it...but that's only because they don't like hosting that brother either.
Or perhaps you could pitch in and get them a hotel room? It's hard being the ones that travel all of the time, and flying isn't cheap. So paying for their hotel isn't unreasonable.
It's not wise to make excuses as untruths are hard to keep track of. I would be straight and upfront with his family. If your SIL is rude enough to stay in someone's home and make demands then I'd have no problem being just as rude in telling her she's not welcome in my home.
I wouldn't allow your extended family's dysfunction with this issue become yours. Maybe it's time that one person in the family let these folks know that although you care about them very much, you don't want to host them.
Be honest and up front and set boundaries around your home. Your in-laws need to respect your wishes and not pawn off the frequent visitor brother on the next person in the family circle.
I for one was happy to read that you put your foot down with some of the in-laws. Good for you!
My recent comments to the family bought us a little time however I did explain to my husband that I really don't appreciate being the villain with regard to this issue since he feels the same as I do. I asked him to please support me as his wife and speak up to his family instead of letting me be the bad guy all by myself and he says he will however I can see his reticence to set boundaries.
It's a work in progress, I suppose.
We are a newly married couple and I wondered how long it would take before we faced a challenge that required some real diplomacy and compromise. I suspected it would be this particular issue however I had hoped to at least get moved into our new home first and enjoy it for a moment or two. Thanks again everyone for the thoughtful responses.
I too think it's great that they make the effort, the waiting on them...his family created the monsters...they can live with them.
Perhaps you could host a family dinner when they do come?