Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
This is my first post here. I need some support in dealing with a difficult sibling.
I am a 65yo woman. I have been divorced and living alone since 1993. I'll make this as brief as I can. I had breast cancer in '99, stage3. It came back again in Dec 2002. My husband left me then to deal with my surgeries and treatment alone. During my first cancer, my youngest brother, "Jay", found an excuse to get angry at me while I was ill with chemotherapy. He was gone from my life for 9 years. I did forgive him and tried to put this behind us.
Jay has always had anger issues and is often screaming and shouting. He has a very tempestuous relationship with his girlfriend, of which I felt I was often trying to referee. He feels he has to be the center of attention and and has many superficial friends and acquaintances around him as much as possible, most of which are bar people, and he contantly craves attention. It's like he cannot get enough "friends" and attention.
In March I had another cancer scare, and was in the hospital for tests. I was scared out of my mind. It was during this time that Jay again made up a ridiculous excuse to get angry at me again. He broke a promise to me and didn't respect my boundaries. When I confronted him about it, he blew up and started screaming and swearing.
Since that night, he started sending me some disturbing texts messages. I tried to call him but he wouldn't pick up. He called me names, told me I was pathetic, that nobody likes me, etc etc. I didn't respond to his texts and they got worse. I was in the hospital and my phone was blowing up with texts from him. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. He was relentless. One text appeared to be a threat. Then I finally blocked him. Now he is trying to destroy my relationship with my other brother "Mike" and with my son. Jay is 16 years younger. I'm too old for this foolishness. I just want to live a life of peace and happiness. I am fearful of what he will do next. I feel like I have to keep defending myself or explaining myself to others because of the things he says about me to others. My doctors told me that I need to remove stress from my life or my cancer will return. I guess this is a good place to start to fiind support that I need. Thank you so much.
I am a 65yo woman. I have been divorced and living alone since 1993. I'll make this as brief as I can. I had breast cancer in '99, stage3. It came back again in Dec 2002. My husband left me then to deal with my surgeries and treatment alone. During my first cancer, my youngest brother, "Jay", found an excuse to get angry at me while I was ill with chemotherapy. He was gone from my life for 9 years. I did forgive him and tried to put this behind us.
Jay has always had anger issues and is often screaming and shouting. He has a very tempestuous relationship with his girlfriend, of which I felt I was often trying to referee. He feels he has to be the center of attention and and has many superficial friends and acquaintances around him as much as possible, most of which are bar people, and he contantly craves attention. It's like he cannot get enough "friends" and attention.
In March I had another cancer scare, and was in the hospital for tests. I was scared out of my mind. It was during this time that Jay again made up a ridiculous excuse to get angry at me again. He broke a promise to me and didn't respect my boundaries. When I confronted him about it, he blew up and started screaming and swearing.
Since that night, he started sending me some disturbing texts messages. I tried to call him but he wouldn't pick up. He called me names, told me I was pathetic, that nobody likes me, etc etc. I didn't respond to his texts and they got worse. I was in the hospital and my phone was blowing up with texts from him. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. He was relentless. One text appeared to be a threat. Then I finally blocked him. Now he is trying to destroy my relationship with my other brother "Mike" and with my son. Jay is 16 years younger. I'm too old for this foolishness. I just want to live a life of peace and happiness. I am fearful of what he will do next. I feel like I have to keep defending myself or explaining myself to others because of the things he says about me to others. My doctors told me that I need to remove stress from my life or my cancer will return. I guess this is a good place to start to fiind support that I need. Thank you so much.
I have not had to deal with the health concerns you are facing, but I have had to deal with the harassment and bullying from family.
Blocking and detaching worked for me. In my case it is a sister and mother who hurt me and try to turn other people in the family against me, and I have no idea why they do this. Other relatives and friends and my husband have all surmised that it's jealousy. I'm also an easy scapegoat for their anger and hatefulness because I'm the only one in the family who lives physically away from everyone else. I am alone out here with no support aside from my husband. So they feel they can attack me for whatever reason. I really don't know. But they are really hateful and hurtful and it was not something I wanted in my life.
So, block, detach, create distance, and just focus on what you DO want in life. That's what I do. I still have moments where I feel sad because I wish I had a mother, or I wish I had a "normal" family (if there is such a thing?). But I just allow myself to feel that sadness, sometimes write about it to release the feelings, and then I move on.
Also when I feel that sadness, it makes me appreciate my husband and children so much. I just hug them and talk to them and share with them how grateful I am for them. They know how my mother, sister, relatives are. So I just tell them how much I love them and am grateful to have them in my life. My husband and I work to create a positive happy and healthy life for ourselves and our children.
Also as far as the harassment - what I also do is save what I can - text messages, emails, etc. I keep them as "proof" just in case I ever have to talk to a lawyer or the police or whoever. My sister has been arrested for domestic violence and my mother is very unpredictable so you just never know. Better to be safe than sorry. Now that I have blocked her I no longer see whatever she may or may not still be sending me, but I did save the awful stuff she was sending prior to blocking her.
And I'm not on FB. I tried it for a few months but FB was a truly bad experience. Until I can figure out how to use FB without igniting any family drama I plan to use FB again someday in the future because it can be a positive tool. But for now I stay off it to minimize the drama and to make it more difficult for my relatives/mom/sister to reach me.
Good luck with everything. Focus on YOU. ((hugs))
Not long ago I read a quote on the Internet about sharing and healing. It goes like this -- Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care. We love you, friend, and are here to help you.
Have you shared with your family about Jay's anger issues and how it's further affecting your health? You also might want to consider visiting a professional counselor to deal with your stress. If you need help finding one near you, please don't hesitate to ask.
You are in my prayers, Linnie. "Stay Strong & Stay Focused"
#LetItSnow
Yes, I did block, detach and create distance with my brother after about 3 weeks of his nonstop day-and-night texting. He has not been able to contact me directly. He still contacts our brother Mike and my son and still is trying to start things. He is evil and nothing would make him happier than to see me suffer. I never did him any harm and was always good to him. We didn't grow up together. The three older siblings (me included) were grown and left home while Jay was growing up.
My father had a brain injury and he was unpredictable and often raging. Often violent. My mother was the orbital parent, hovering around us kids to keep us quiet and invisible so that my father would not "go off." She was a slave to him and his horrible anger. Literally. And it was the norm in our house to never show emotion. We never talked about anything bad. Mother always had a relentless smile on her face no matter what. Jay was not allowed to cry as a baby... Whenever he would start to cry, she would stuff food in his mouth, pacifiers until he was 4, bottles, give him toys, etc.. anything to keep him quiet. He was never allowed to express sadness, anger. So he becomes an adult and he's a timebomb of anger that he could never release. Mother never could speak up to Dad. She had to "know her place" lest he would explode..
So Jay has pretty much taken on the role of my father now. And how dare I, mere woman, speak up to him about a boundary issue. It sent him over the edge. Brother Mike can tell him to
"go eff yourself" and Jay takes no issue with that. But it's different for a woman confronting him about not respecting boundaries.
I live alone. I have no man in my life. I've been divorced for over 12 years. Nobody to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Nobody to make me feel safe. Those who have partners are so lucky. It hurts that I could never find true love like others seem to be able to do. It's an unsafe world. Or at least it feels that way, especially if you're a woman alone, older, and fighting an illness. My health has been good lately. Been taking care of myself, but I find myself becoming reclusive since this incident with Jay. I don't seem to have the joy in going out with friends and doing the things I used to do. There seems to be a certain sadness that clings to everything.
I have saved all the texts and messages Jay sent me. I feel like I have to keep justifying my innocence to my son, to everyone. My son has taken the side of the abusers in the past... blaming me. Even when my husband left me right after my second cancer diagnosis. He asked me, "What did you do to make him leave?" I am so tired of being villifed when I didn't do anything. I got cancer. He found another woman. My only crime was I loved too much. Cared too much. Was too giving and too good. And I more often than not compromised my own needs and values just to try and keep someone happy. Yes, I was co-dependent. Yes, I had become my mother. And I chose very bad men in the past.
jeneiram, it must be excrutiatingly painful to have that kind of toxic stuff from your mother. Of all people, our mothers should be the one to love us unconditionally. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing.
I have a daughter also, and she is wonderful, intelligent and supportive. And a voice of reason. But she lives several states away. She told me that she wishes she were here to help deal with this. She wanted to call Jay and talk to him, but I told him that was probably counterproductive for her. He will just be an ass to her too.
SpellBund, thank you so much for your words. Thank you both for caring and being in my corner when it seems the rest of the world has all walked out.
I was seeing a prof counselor, but last week she said something that was a bit unprofessional and thoughtless. So I terminated it with her. I have a new counselor set up and will be seeing her next week. The new one is highly recommended and has many years of experience.
I will keep coming back here. I hope to keep chatting with you both and others. Something safe and supportive and I feel welcomed here. Thank you for the bottom of my heart.