well first of all know that it is nothing you are doing. ask him about therapy, ifhe is not willing then go yourself to help you deal with how you feel, you cannot change him, you can only change how you deal with and handle it. do you tiptoe around him afraid of being positive? of showing happy feelings, of being who you are. if so then ask yourself do you really want to be on a relationship that is not healthy for you, a therapist can help you decide this if you are not sure, it sounds like he may be depressed but until he is ready to work on changing and getting help you cannot do it for him, and if the outburst become violent then you may be putting yourself in a very dangerous situtatuin, I wish you the best and hope you can figure out what you need to do,

hmmm.. I see you suffer from shyness. I would suspect he has always been this way and you perhaps are recovering and feeling more comfortable about what you want and need... this may not be a bad thing for you... it may just mean you are not meant for each other.

I guess I don't respect the way he behaves. I live up to my standards of always respecting the other person and I find it unacceptable that he is not always respectful to me.

My first reaction on reading this is that he may be a bit of a bully, but that's just me. There are a number of questions that you raise in your discussion post. First, I wonder why you are in relationship with someone who is not capable of giving you what you need? How can one have a meaningful relationship without any equitable communication? It sounds like you can only relate on his terms rather than there being any reciprocity. Ultimately, it sounds extremely frustrating. I would really suggest that you seek out some counselling/therapy for yourself - that way you can reach an understanding of what you want/need and decide how you want to go about getting it. You can do it!

He sounds just like my 'out of control' husband. I truly believe that I am dealing with a bipolar person and think that might also be the case for you. Reasoning doesn't help when you are dealing with an innate mental illness....these guys need medication and are the least likely to seek it out. Tolerance is the keyword here! If they refuse to get the help they need it is the only way for us to deal with this, short of separation.

How long have you been married and how long has he been this way? Have there been any significant changes in his life as of recent that might have thrown off his emotional balance?

He's tapped out, he has nothing to give right now. Plus, is sounds like you two may have negatively hardwired your responses toward one another. You need to break the cycle, so that the over all pressure of your atmosphere will change.

In every relationship, both parties create a history of negative behavior/response to everyday issues. Many of these responses become what I call Hard Wired. This means that every time a repeated action occurs, the same response is automatically given (similar to the Garcia Effect with animals). Overtime, whether the response is negative or positive, relationship foundation is altered and behavior is programmed.

If individuals in a committed or separated relationship can dismantle, and come to closer, with their negative hard wired responses, I believe how men and women deal with one another (in all aspects of their communications) will create new automatic positive response options that will benefit past, present and future relationships.

This method is something that both parties need to discuss, understand agree with and incorporate into their everyday interactions with one another. This can not be done alone; it must be approached with patience, respect and maturity. Impractical personal desires, not all personal desires, need to be put aside, in order to allow the individual who is working toward breaking a negative response, to achieve complete closer with their repeated negative behavior.

Overtime if this method is practiced, a relationship will begin to function in a healthy manner, and an acceptable/constructive emotion will attach itself to a previously negative response.

If you and your partner have children, and desire to stabilize any embedded/unhealthy behavior issues, this is a method that all parents need to consider, discuss and selflessly implement into their everyday family unit communication. How parents respond to one another, in one way or another extends and becomes hard wired to their responses with their children.

To best approach to this method is by first compartmentalizing your emotional responses: The only easy day was yesterday. Focus on the task at hand (baby steps). Approach the small things that get on your partners nerves in a new positive manner (dont wait to be asked to take out the trash or do the laundry) take the time to put your own wants, needs or desires aside and form new habits that relieve unnecessary stress from personal communication and your overall relationship atmosphere.

Respect the situation, just because something does not seem important to you, doesnt mean its not important to the other person. Finish your conversations (one way or another). Phone calls, texts or emails can wait; in most situations responding at a later time will be OK.

When a situation occurs or a question is asked, take a moment and ask your self: will my actions or verbal response result in a confrontation? Or, ask yourself if I was the other person how will my response make me feel? This doesnt mean tell the other person what they want to hear, (becoming a yes person), this means simply being respectful, polite and considerate in how you respond.

Some may say that there has been too much damage and hurt done in our relationship to consider this method. I say to you: in the end you are not judged by how much you love and respect other people, you are judged by how much others love and respect you.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess the basic issue is this...my husband is not one to talk emotionally, not one to discuss things of the heart, and not one to look within. He gets angry very easily and hurls profanity. I've expressed repeatedly how the words and disrespect hurt me and have no place in a family, but his response is "not everyone can be as perfect as you." He tends to speak nasty to others but does not tolerate it when others are nasty to him. (if they speak to him EXACTLY the way he spoke to them)

I have and will continue to set a good example of how I feel I want to conduct myself. I respond to his words of disrespect with how it makes me feel, and I do not reduce myself to his level. I am proud of who I am and how I treat others, but I don't feel that my husband respects me for who I am...it's almost as tho he puts me down for expecting respect. I don't get it!

Thank you for writing this; I have EXACTLY the same problem, so all the replies you are getting are helpful to me!
The only advice I have on this is what works for me: when he is behaving in a way you do not like, walk away and ignore him. Let him know that you will not entertaining his needs if he can't respect yours. Tell him you will be emotionally available to him as soon as he is able to express himself without yelling or cursing. And stick to it religiously. As soon as he learns he can't get what he wants (venting, expressing himself) the way he's been trying to get it, he will be forced to present his problems in a way more acceptable to you.

You'll need to talk to him. Perhaps things have happened in his life that has caused him to be that way. That's just my guess.
I hope he'll be able to open up to you, but if he is unable to emotionally open up to you without getting mad, he may not be ready to be in a serious relationship and you may have to move on.
It's up to you, I hope things will turn out well!

Hi supportpl,

I am divorced from an abusive husband. I feel so glad that I am free to be me without constant critisism and to be treated so cruel.

Recently I bought two books that have given me insight as to why my ex was able to manipulate me. A brilliant man who knew how to play brilliant 'mind games.'

These are the books:

"Why Does He Do That" (Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) by Lundy Bancroft

and

"Controlling People" (How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You) by Patricia Evans.

If I would have read these books while I was married...I would have ended our marriage long before it ended. I was clueless until now. There are tons of books on these subjects but for whatever the reason, I didn't "get it" until now.

I still felt anger toward my ex and I was angry with myself as well.

I can honestly say that I am finally letting go of my anger because of what I have read and absorbed. "Controlling People" even gives hope for people who recognize they are abusive but don't know how to change.

I hope you will seek counseling even if your husband will not participate so that if you intend to stay in this marriage you can learn how to better cope.

Peace be with you.