Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am the daughter in this situation. I am new to this board; so I apologize in advance for the lengthy initial post.
I am an adult daughter with a family full of strained relationships. My mother has completely cut herself off from her entire family. They all "are jealous of her" "reset her" and "judge her.". Along with a slew of other things. My entire childhood I grew up with this family all being very close and I was a younger cousin in envy and anxious to grow older to join my adult cousins as friends throughout life. They all still talk and are close- all but my family. My mom and dad have spent the past nearly 10 years cutting this family out of their lives and in essence cutting them out of nine and my sibling's lives also. So this family is now no longer apart of our life. On my father's side of the family a similar situation has happened. The difference being that we were never close and still are not close. I desire and crave this close family bond and relationship very much. But I have honored my parents and gone along with what they believed and felt to be best- allowing them to cut out all they seem unsuitable for the family- meaning everyone. They don't have a friend in the world nor do they have any family left with the acception of one grandparent. They say all the time that they enjoy being alone and want to be alone and don't like to leave the house.
So my entire life this has been a big battle for me. At about the age I 13 I began making birthdays a party for each family member- not just a day to remember to be humble and quiet about. I began planning family bbqs and days at the local park or museum to have us gather together somewhere other than the tv. Literally at my parents house if you talk while the tv is on the volume goes up to an ear tormenting decibel. And the tv is ALWAYS on!
In college I had a professor suggest to me that I needed to really create my own world without them. I got my own place and space and held family gatherings at my place because my parents would not do so. I loved having us all together! But they didn't- it was always a battle getting them to leave their house.
I have now been in a relationship for over 5 years. He is a sweet kind man who I expect to spend the rest of my life with :). My parents are very distant with him and awkward. Their social skills struggle. My father has truly decided that he wants nothing to do with him. He rudely came over to my home and made that known. I sat him down a couple years ago and asked him to be kind- no matter what path my life takes I'd like to have my dad be close to me and be in my life. My dad said no. He doesn't want to watch my with him. He for 4 years approved and was fine with my guy and right after that 4 year mark he decided to be completely rude about it. A lot happened in that time- dad banning mom from being in my life, sister moving away to avoid the drama, me moving twice trying to figure out how to cope... I went to my dad gave him a hug and said that everything was fine. He didn't have to be apart of my partners life if he didn't want- but I'd like him to pick up the phone and call me (it's been over 2 years since that happened) and I'd like to see him occasionally. That was about 10 months ago. None of that has happened. I call 3 times a week and leave voicemails letting him know I love him- connecting with my mom when she is available.
But... What now? Well- now we still have this completely strained relationship that I feel I have done everything to fix! Lately I am reconnecting with extended family to gain some family love and respect again. I miss having a family- I never had a close tight knit family but I used to see my aunts and uncles and cousins each holiday and other times too. This past Christmas and new years we were alone. My family lives approximately 2 miles away and we didn't see them. It's especially hard for my partner because he comes from a big family that sees eachother all the time. He's used to big ordeals being made- I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do. And I feel sad for me- I know pity party over here but i just want my mom and dad to call an want to get together. I've tried so many times but they don't want to. And in reaching out to my extended family I feel a little guilty too because I know it'd break their hearts to know I am.
I am a really good daughter and just dont know why they don't want to have more to do with me.
I am an adult daughter with a family full of strained relationships. My mother has completely cut herself off from her entire family. They all "are jealous of her" "reset her" and "judge her.". Along with a slew of other things. My entire childhood I grew up with this family all being very close and I was a younger cousin in envy and anxious to grow older to join my adult cousins as friends throughout life. They all still talk and are close- all but my family. My mom and dad have spent the past nearly 10 years cutting this family out of their lives and in essence cutting them out of nine and my sibling's lives also. So this family is now no longer apart of our life. On my father's side of the family a similar situation has happened. The difference being that we were never close and still are not close. I desire and crave this close family bond and relationship very much. But I have honored my parents and gone along with what they believed and felt to be best- allowing them to cut out all they seem unsuitable for the family- meaning everyone. They don't have a friend in the world nor do they have any family left with the acception of one grandparent. They say all the time that they enjoy being alone and want to be alone and don't like to leave the house.
So my entire life this has been a big battle for me. At about the age I 13 I began making birthdays a party for each family member- not just a day to remember to be humble and quiet about. I began planning family bbqs and days at the local park or museum to have us gather together somewhere other than the tv. Literally at my parents house if you talk while the tv is on the volume goes up to an ear tormenting decibel. And the tv is ALWAYS on!
In college I had a professor suggest to me that I needed to really create my own world without them. I got my own place and space and held family gatherings at my place because my parents would not do so. I loved having us all together! But they didn't- it was always a battle getting them to leave their house.
I have now been in a relationship for over 5 years. He is a sweet kind man who I expect to spend the rest of my life with :). My parents are very distant with him and awkward. Their social skills struggle. My father has truly decided that he wants nothing to do with him. He rudely came over to my home and made that known. I sat him down a couple years ago and asked him to be kind- no matter what path my life takes I'd like to have my dad be close to me and be in my life. My dad said no. He doesn't want to watch my with him. He for 4 years approved and was fine with my guy and right after that 4 year mark he decided to be completely rude about it. A lot happened in that time- dad banning mom from being in my life, sister moving away to avoid the drama, me moving twice trying to figure out how to cope... I went to my dad gave him a hug and said that everything was fine. He didn't have to be apart of my partners life if he didn't want- but I'd like him to pick up the phone and call me (it's been over 2 years since that happened) and I'd like to see him occasionally. That was about 10 months ago. None of that has happened. I call 3 times a week and leave voicemails letting him know I love him- connecting with my mom when she is available.
But... What now? Well- now we still have this completely strained relationship that I feel I have done everything to fix! Lately I am reconnecting with extended family to gain some family love and respect again. I miss having a family- I never had a close tight knit family but I used to see my aunts and uncles and cousins each holiday and other times too. This past Christmas and new years we were alone. My family lives approximately 2 miles away and we didn't see them. It's especially hard for my partner because he comes from a big family that sees eachother all the time. He's used to big ordeals being made- I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do. And I feel sad for me- I know pity party over here but i just want my mom and dad to call an want to get together. I've tried so many times but they don't want to. And in reaching out to my extended family I feel a little guilty too because I know it'd break their hearts to know I am.
I am a really good daughter and just dont know why they don't want to have more to do with me.
You could spend the rest of your life trying to "fix" your father, but I suspect that won't make one bit of difference in his world, and it will only serve to drag you, your husband, and your future children down. It seems like you love people and family very much. Embrace that. You can't change the past but you can live for today and the future. Reach out to ALL of your family members and the people who would fill your life with the kind of family love that you desire and deserve. You have already gone above and beyond. Trust me, you have nothing to feel guilty about unless you throw your own future under the bus. Blessings to you and family in the new year. --EJ
I admire your values and I compliment you that your heart is indeed in the right place. Unfortunately, we live within family situations where there is a lot of criticism and negative demeaning comments, which often lead to avoidance for the sake of personal peace and safety. Sadly, some of us have on occasion have made depressing choices to cut the strings of agony. And many times its difficult to express how much offenders hurt us, which does in fact make it almost impossible to acquire a peaceful living and in moments of certain circumstances, and this can be a difficult experience to those caught in the middle, and who are essentially connected by penalty of others private choices, which is where you now stand in the matter.
I can sense how painful and embarrassing you feel while trying to stay as family to those your father chooses not to relate to. Are there others in that group with feelings of care as you have for your father? Are they willing to approach him with love and forgiveness as you do? This will be the only way to encourage him to open communication with them; it has to be an equal or mutual forgiveness for whatever has hurt this family. In order to attempt to get through to him, you will need the greater patience of others with the same feelings as you; this is a challenge, and together you must develop a powerful plan to encourage him to rethink his choices or convictions.
And I can understand how deeply you desire that your dad and mother will have a change of attitude, and you need their expressions of comforting parental love, and companionship with them is very important, especially now that you are in your own new relationship, which is beneficial that he should reconsider his ideas of you.
Sadly, your father has arranged that your mother should follow his example for a personal reason. Conversely, she may be an ally as you seek for help and a compromise to his position of thoughts, feelings and actions with you and extended family, and possibly his social behavior is of concern to you and her as well. Perhaps your mother may even help you privately, of course, for you do not want to embarrass your father, and she has a clearer understanding of what is working in his mind in the matter, which will allow you an inside scoop of his thoughts.
An idea is to persuade your dad to identify certain details that may be the major problem with his feeling for family. And when you, his daughter, his very blood, thats turned away from him, then it may make better sense to first start with why he turns you away, as you do express efforts of love and care for both Dad and Mom.
Naturally, his behavior can be a worry to you personally, but he has property of his own choices, and he has a right to make the calls for his life-choices as he sees fit. However, I believe that, in this case, he is judging you by how easily you desire to connect to the extended crop of family, of which people are a problem to him. And, as he sees this, it is acceptable for him to use caution with you for this reason. As you search for those hidden clues, possibly you may have a better idea of many reasons why your dad avoids family or gatherings with family, and this may guide you to a clearer perspective of why he prefers little to no outside contact with you and with others.
Forgiving will not be a quick turn for your dad. With my personal knowledge of how family relations can eventually strain the emotions of some people to the point of abandonment, in order for a respite, which is a fair idea to consider for emotional health and safety in this matter, I deeply understand what your father is experiencing, which is why I suggest that you organize a plan to approach him and ask for his personal reasons to avoiding family, and not directly should you speak of his social preferences at this time, this can wait until he has made the change with you and family. Please take great care in not pushing that he should regret is choices though; for if you do not show mercy, you will fail to get through to him, because he obviously feels secure with this present arrangement of feelings and choices in this matter, and my idea is that he has endured enough pain to the point of finding it needful to make safe relationship choices. Stubborn as this may seem to you, he has the right to protect his mind and emotions. I am so sorry that it is painful to you now. Trust that with a gentle approach and consideration of his feeling as priority, you may better understand him and find a way that he may at the least allow you back in his life.
Ambi
Some people are anti social and, as you said, he's got no social skills.
Having a relationship with your cousins and extended family is lovely. If you decide to pursue them, it is NOT a betrayal of your father. They did nothing to you. I'd even go so far as to say it's not your father's business if you have a relationship with them.
I'd leave him alone to his own misery. Be the example and change you wish for him... but don't count on it.
In the meantime make your life. Be happy. Extend invitations to your parents but don't be upset or angry if they refuse.
Brownie, at the very least I would suspect that your father is suffering from some type of personality disorder but I am not qualified to make that diagnosis. To engage your father into
into revealing "any truthful reasons" as to the alienation from friends and family would be a monumental undertaking and probably one that you are qualified to resolve, even as a family member.
It's sad that this is the lonely path that they have chosen and even sadder that their children had to endure this over the years. I personally think that you are entitled to a "pity party" here and there; I would be sad also.
I think the best thing that you can do for yourself is to just keep the lines of communication open with your parents but also move forward with reconnecting with your extended family. I would stand firm on your relationship choices and not let either parent manipulate you. It's not acceptable behavior for any parent to make demands and attempt to control adult children. It's certainly hard enough on a child to have to live with it but as an adult; you need to set boundaries in the parent's behavior.
One day you and your partner will have your own family and I'm sure when that day comes you will have a very welcoming home to anyone that wants to visit. I would work towards that goal and any other ambition you have in mind.
It's a battle I have been going through for such a long time. I do very often discuss the problems I have with my family relationship with my mom. I tend to see her once a month or so for a couple hours. Usually a morning walk. My father I see in passing on simple occasion- once every few months. Like I say they live only a few miles away.
My feelings about how it is this way are so strong and so hard to hold back my tears. So often when my mother and I talk I end up crying about it and she gets angry. She feels I hold her to a standard that I "believe is the norm but is not.". She claims because she raised me in a strict religious setting ( one which she did not attend or believe- she wanted the religion to teach us out morals and good values- which it did) but because she raised us in the setting and dropped us off at church each Sunday..: she says I hold her to the view of family I saw at church as a kid and a teenager. Which in all honesty is likely true- that was where I spent my growing up time. She gets extremely angry and says that she "knows she's a terrible mother" and "can't do anything right". She isn't a terrible mother by any means- she was always there for us but just isnt now.
I recently tried to put into words how I feel about it. As I was with my in laws and watching them play games, go to the park, sit down and talk about nothing and everything for hours on end... It dawned on me. My family is there for me when times are bad. They will talk and help if I reach out for it. But they aren't there to make any good memories. They don't take the time for anything like that. I so wish they did. But I don't have happy stories to share about my family. Not bad ones either... Just no happy ones. That's what I want.
But I know you are all right. I can't let it stop me from living life- and honestly I have let it stop me, ridiculous on my part. I have let it stop me from doing anything too certain always hoping I can hang on and make that past part good to enter into the future. I really do have to let go- and honestly I really want to let go. It's just a fine line it feels between letting go and having nothing todo with them again and letting go and keeping lines open. It feels easier to cut off lines of communication but I don't want to do that either. It's a balancing act. And I know it could be so much worse... I am grateful this is all I have to go through... Thank you all for listening :)
So instead of talking to your mom about the past try making new conversations. Walks might be nice but to be honest it doesn't give an opportunity to move forward. How about instead going to a movie or seeing a show? If you guys have an interest in crafts check out your local craft shop for classes. Or go to the bookstore..the big ones usually have a coffee shop and a place to hang out.
You've hit the nail on the head and I never saw it before. We do need to make new connections. We need new conversation. I didn't dawn on me to reach for a way to have new conversation. Brilliant on your part! Thank you! I am absolutely going to look into ways to change our conversation so we don't always return to the past. In all fairness to my mom- I am the one who turns it back too so I need that refocus. Thank you :)
Today is a new day for you and your mom and your dad. Find things that you like or they like. Life doesn't have to be so serious all the time. I bet if you took your dad out for an ice cream cone he would be thrilled!! Make time and make good experiences. Little things are very important.
Thanks guys!
Ambi