Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
When I asked my sister why I have been ostracized by my mother and family essentially all my life, she made up some excuses and finally said, "I don't know. It's something that goes back to childhood." I am now nearly 60 years old, have raised 3 daughters and a son, put them all through college, and have enjoyed success in my career. I have finally decided to give up and love them from afar. I would be lying if I said I don't love them. I do, and I forgive them. I just wonder what it is they have against me for all these years.
Could it be that they are perpetuating something they don't even know about???
Sounds like the barriers could be coming down.
Maybe if you say that you'd like to know so if there's anything you did in the past as a youngster, you'd like the opportunity to make it right as an adult?
I pray that this is a chance for you all to come together and heal.
Any chance of talking to your parents or aunts or uncles? Someone who was an adult when you were a child? My guess is if it has been a secret this long it will remain a secret. But I find it hard to believe they would hold a grudge against something that involved a young child. Although sometimes it is the memories that are associated with the person and not the person. For example the child that comes from a rape. The child did nothing wrong but is tied to bad memories.
When you say ostracized what exactly do you mean? Are you just different in beliefs from them or does there seem to be a definate exclusion for no reason? Sometimes personalities are just different.
My own father used to say that I was not really his child. He was in the military and I was born 10 months after my older brother, so he thought it was not possible for him to be the father. He dropped this when I became a teenager and everyone told him that I look the most like him compared to my other 6 brothers. But this was after many years where I was physically tortured. He was in the medical field and used to stitch me up himself, with no anesthesia. I recently realized that I suffer from PTSD, but I thank God I never hit or did anything violent to my kids, my wife, or anyone else. My mother and siblings were physically and mentally abused as well. We have all enjoyed career success, however, and money is a big issue in my family.
How was I ostracized? My father left his inheritance to all my brothers except for me and my sisters. At least that is what I was told. I know they ended up with everything and I was not going to make an issue over the money. I am doing very well, financially, and I just don't need it. My mother makes hundreds of social plans, dinners, etc. where everyone in the family is invited except for me. My nieces tell me that she always tell them to "not tell [me] about it." This has gone on for over 40 years. When I was studying for the bar and asked to stay with her for a few weeks so I could concentrate while my wife and child stayed at her house, she kicked us out after one week saying that my "kid had a bad attitude." Finally, two months ago, she had her 80th birthday party where everyone - all my siblings, their wives and children and significant others, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, neighbors, former co-workers, and others, were invited. Everyone that is, except me. How could I not take that personally? I try to always take the high road, but I felt that I just didn't deserve that humiliation. I waited until I calmed down a few weeks later, made a decision, and told her and my siblings that I was no longer willing to deal with the lies, secrets, and subterfuge. I told them that I loved them but wanted them to go on with their lives without me. I feel this would be better for them, and I know it would be better for me and my family.
other examples, although my mom and ex-wife hated each other for years, they are now best friends and have aligned against me. inspite of their "alliance," my mother and siblings all refused to attend the recent weddings of my daughters. it iso bad that they are now taking this out on my children. i have always taught my kids to love their grandmother and aunts and uncles, and that is what I still tell them. I don't expect anyone to "carry my water," for me. I wish I didn't have to carry it myself. I hope this is not a sin to say, but I feel so relieved now. I feel that I have finally done SOMETHING for myself. if I listed all the extreme lies they have told about me and my family, it would fill up this board. they obviously make things up because they have nothing negative they can say about us that would be truthful. My current wife of 10 years and I have raised children, foster children, and are leaders in the community. we have great friends and get along so well with everyone except for them. my wife has such a good heart that she decided to hire my brother 2 years ago to build a house for one of our properties. I warned her but she wanted to "keep the money in the family," and "give him a chance." Well, it didn't take long for the lies to start and for my mom to start interfering. Our bank and others advised us to sue him, but how do you sue your brother? We ended up writing him a huge check, on top of the construction loan amount, because we didn't want a half-finished house sitting there for years until the lawsuit was done. My wife, who is a saint in my eyes, was really hurt and has said "never again." It is one thing for me to put up with this, but I have to protect my wife and children from this abuse. I don't know where it will all end but I am putting an end to the abuse.
Your only hope might be to try talking to your mother alone. One last shot to ask her why. Maybe she will have some explanation or not but at least you could say you tried.
After that I would cut all ties with your family. Obviously this is a long standing and deep rooted problem. The best thing to do in cases like this is try to resolve the issue and if that's not possible to move on. Leave the past in the past and live your life for you, your wife and your kids.
Still, what about your DNA dad? You deserve to know the truth.
A bit of advice- what other people can't do for you, you have to do for yourself.
Do whatever you need to do to free yourself. Sounds like distance is the key.
Sorry you're going through this.