Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Mom died in Feb 2013...While planning the funeral, my sister and I agreed to have Mom creamated (Moms wishes) and to have moms ashes buried in the same graves with my other brother and grandfather in NY (it is a 3 grave site). The funeral home was to mail me the ashes and my sister and I were to bury the ashes together in NY. I live in PA sister in VA.
2 weeks after the funeral, sister went to the funeral home and picked up the ashes stating that it would take "too long "for the funeral home to mail the ashes to me. The she mails me a letter and stated she decided to keep "her half" of mom's ashes and if I wanted to still bury my half of the ashes in NY that I would have to do it alone at my own expense. I informed her that the thought of splitting mom in half was "unthinkable". She turned it around and stated that I didn't want to be bothered with moms ashes. She then had a memorial service with their family and her husband's family at her home in VA not inviting ANYONE from the family on my mom's side.
There is so much more to this including probate court battles, my sister tricking me into giving her all my picture of my mom so that my sister could make a picture cologue to hang in mom's house then keeping ALL the pictures and involving and dividing other family members etc... my sister and I have not spoken in a year and we only communicate through lawyers which is fine with me no more faking the funk. I realized my sister never liked me. She "tolerated" me growing up. Mom was the only thing that kept our families together.
Feb 23rd will make one year since mom died. Last year on mother's day and mom's birthday, I mailed mom a card to my sister's address as "To the Shrine Of Mommy" . This was a way of me trying to stay connected. Neatless to say, I find this isn't working. I am getting more and more angry of how my sister stole mom's ashes. I can't place flowers, visit etc... I thought of getting lawyers involved but I don't trust that she would send mom's real ashes. I don't trust her.
My question is...any suggestions of to deal with these feelings?
2 weeks after the funeral, sister went to the funeral home and picked up the ashes stating that it would take "too long "for the funeral home to mail the ashes to me. The she mails me a letter and stated she decided to keep "her half" of mom's ashes and if I wanted to still bury my half of the ashes in NY that I would have to do it alone at my own expense. I informed her that the thought of splitting mom in half was "unthinkable". She turned it around and stated that I didn't want to be bothered with moms ashes. She then had a memorial service with their family and her husband's family at her home in VA not inviting ANYONE from the family on my mom's side.
There is so much more to this including probate court battles, my sister tricking me into giving her all my picture of my mom so that my sister could make a picture cologue to hang in mom's house then keeping ALL the pictures and involving and dividing other family members etc... my sister and I have not spoken in a year and we only communicate through lawyers which is fine with me no more faking the funk. I realized my sister never liked me. She "tolerated" me growing up. Mom was the only thing that kept our families together.
Feb 23rd will make one year since mom died. Last year on mother's day and mom's birthday, I mailed mom a card to my sister's address as "To the Shrine Of Mommy" . This was a way of me trying to stay connected. Neatless to say, I find this isn't working. I am getting more and more angry of how my sister stole mom's ashes. I can't place flowers, visit etc... I thought of getting lawyers involved but I don't trust that she would send mom's real ashes. I don't trust her.
My question is...any suggestions of to deal with these feelings?
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grill tonight with charcoal.....turned out good but had some stuff that I had to feed to Belle and Happy because it was grissley. it tasted pretty good and was a perfect mid rare....
Our city (and other cities and towns) has a wonderful program in our parks where you can buy concrete benches, have trees planted and other things "in memory" of a loved one and they put a plaque to that effect. It's a gift that keeps on giving. With the trees, it's a living gift that houses so many birds, squirrels every year and becomes a lovely gift. With a concrete bench, it becomes a place where people out walking can stop and rest.
When Dad died, later I made a donation to the VFW because he had been a veteran and had been horribly wounded in WWII, had to be gotten out of an island and gotten back to the U.S. to a hospital that could handle all his deep injuries--and it was across the country from my mom. So I donated to the VFW in his memory.
Your mom was so much more than your sister and your mom's death was just one day of her whole life. Make her memory about those good times and it will give you continued happiness about her. Your sister shouldn't enter into your memories of your mom. Many, many hugs. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.
P.S. Mail no more cards to your sister. She is not the repository or shrine for your mom, but instead is bad memories for you.
And I pray at home and then speak aloud to my dad in my prayers. You can do that with your Mom. You can honor her in so many ways.
I thin splitting the ashes was a compromise, but you seem to be bent on holding resentment.
Your sister and you made a decision in grief and I sounds like she changed her mind once some time passed. That's her right.
As to the other issues and your question of what to do, I sense there is a LOT more going on. You may never get an answer from her, but what I suggest is taking al these feelings to a therapist.
For the legal stuff the first question is who is mom's executor? That is the person who is legally entitled to mom's ashes and if the funeral home released them to someone else they have some liability. Sounds like your sister is very jealous and sneaky. Hopefully your lawyers are working out the details of mom's estate. You should ask them about the ashes. Unfortunately unless mom put her wishes to have her ashes buried in that cemetery in writing it will be up to the executor to decide what to do. I hope you can come to some mutually satisfactory solution.
I don' think splitting the ashes was a compromise... more of a power move. Yes she had a right to change her mind but she should have discussed it first. If she would have came to be and stated her intentions, that's one thing...but to steal the ashes and to create a shrine in her livingroom where I have no access to..is totally a different thing. All of this just reveals her true character and it is in my best interest NOT to deal with her at all. She is not good for my mental health.
She has mom's ashes, I have mom's house (and the responsibility of taking over the 183K mortgage). This all really blew up when she requested that I add her name to the deed of the land but not the mortgage. The land was used as collateral for the mortgage. I refused. If she wanted the land, she'd have to be on the mortgage. She wanted to share the land but the debt be in my name.
I will plant a tree in my moms house in sc. mom had no ties to Brooklyn. Like I said, I am the executor. Fighting over ashes will only lead to more bad feeling, I don't trust her to give up the "real" ashes anyway. My sister and I both signed the contract for the funeral. I don't think it's the funeral home's fault. That's not how I would like to honor my mom by fighting over her ashes and suing the funeral home. I will carry on my mother's memory by being the bigger person. Fighting takes too much energy and leads to even more bad feelings. As to mom's estate, I will follow the letter of the probate laws in sc.
PS>>>Sister has been jealous and sneaky since we were kids. She used me all my childhood and adult life and she married a man the exact splitting image of herself. Both greedy and self serving. I want nothing to do with either of them. I remain close to my aunts and uncle but they are divided ... everyone trying to stay neutral. The law will determine what to do with the ashes. My only request was to have the ashes anywhere OUTSIDE my sister's house so that I can visit at will. Sis can even pick the place. But like I said...I don't trust that she will turn over the true ashes. I lost so much faith in her that I will never trust her on this issue. Therefore, I will create my own thing. There are instances where people lost family member and there was no body ( I was living in Brooklyn, NY on 9/11). They honor their memories. I even went as far as to take many picture of mom in her casket and of her funeral and I gave sis a copy of all the funeral pictures I had. Maybe I can bury some of those pictures under the tree I will plant for her in South Carolina. I'm a teacher...maybe create a scholarship to a family teen going off to college in mom's memory.. I just am trying to stay positive and mom's one year anniversity approaches...it's getting harder :(
I like your idea of planting a tree. Maybe hold a celebration of her life to mark the one year anniversary. I think that is the best way to honor a person.