Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hello, this is my first thread in this forum, though I've been on the Fibro & Chronic Pain forums. I am having a really hard time dealing with my aunt, and hoping that someone might have ideas/advice for me. Maybe even just some sympathy and understanding! This is an absolutely crazy saga, it's so convoluted that it almost seems like it must be made up, but I promise, this is my life for the past 6 weeks or so
My Uncle - who I am very close to - has a lot of health issues. Too many to list here, but essentially right now he has been in and out of the hospital then rehab centers since the end of August. The main current issue is that he got an infection in his left knee (he has both artificial knees, and Jan '12 his right foot was amputated from mid-calf because of peripheral neuropathy and Sharkos, though he's not diabetic). His immune system is shot because he has RA, so he has a PIC line for multiple antibiotics every 6 hours, plus they are treating the knee as an open wound, with a vacuum pump on it.
Right now he is looking at about maybe as much as 2 1/2 months in the rehab center (less if he heals faster than expected), then surgery to remove the knee hardware, then 6 weeks with a wedge spacer (he will need to be in the rehab home for that, as his leg would be non weight bearing), then surgery to put in a new artificial knee, then rehab center for final healing. So we're looking at him not being done with this for 3-5 months?
So the problem... he is mobile right now. He can get himself in and out of bed and his wheelchair, put on his prosthetic foot, and even use his walker for short walks. He is in the rehab center because my aunt refused to learn how to administer the PIC line antibiotics, and says it is too much to care for him at home. My husband and I were there for both of his surgeries, and we were there when the surgeon came out and told her how it went, and that UK (my Uncle lol) could go home in a couple days once she had the training on the PIC line. We saw the disbelief on the doctors face when she said that there was no way she was having him come home, that he would have to go to a rehab center. UK takes this all with incredible cheer and a great attitude. He says that, No, of course it's too much for her and he should be in rehab. The thing is, he is as mobile now as he was prior to getting this infection.
I have offered to spend 3 days a week, sometimes 4, at their house if UK could go home. That way my aunt could get out of the house to see friends and relax, whatever. I actually left a message for my aunt this morning saying that we would love to have him in our home if that would be better. We could put his hospital bed in our living room (they have it in theirs), and we have a comfy guest room that my aunt could stay in when she wants, or she could go home and relax and get away whenever she wants. This way three of us could be looking out for him. I actually operate a nail salon in my home (just me, and I only have about 15 services a week), so I'm here all the time. My uncle really appreciated the offer of help (he hasn't heard about our home offer yet), and said he would ask "them" about it, but...
My aunt is mad at me. My brother, aged 43, died in August, the day before my uncles issues started. My aunt really stepped over some boundaries, both with me and a few of my siblings. She inserted herself into the center of the tragedy - scolding them for things that were none of her business, on the day of my brothers memorial. She also told someone (who molested me as a child, and she knew about it) about my private business. I have chronic pain (TMJ, Arthritis, Fibro & Myofascial Pain Sydrome), but I'm pretty private about it. She then passed a message back to me from him, saying she thought he was very sincere, whatever. The implication being maybe I should re-establish a relationship with him?
When all that happened, like 3 weeks ago?? - I talked it over with her very calmly, showed her grace - just saying we needed to take a step back for a while, and I would just see her when I see UK, and not do her nails right now. I've been doing her nails for free (9 months) and then at my cost for another four years. I told her it was because I want us to have a loving relationship, and to be able to be there for her when UK is sick, and things need to cool off, then we should talk it through. I didn't know until yesterday morning that she had posted this spiteful BS about the nails - and blocked me and my husband from being able to see it.
There are probably 100 people or more that she is on FB with who are my family members, but I don't see them much, and I have no way of communicating to all of them that her post was way out of context. From her post it just looks like I'm being mean not doing her nails. So since she blocked me from seeing that message, I can't respond to it. Maybe I wouldn't want to anyway. But now it's out there for people to assume that I "dumped her" (her words on FB) during this very difficult time of UK being sick.
I guess that's it, long saga, I appreciate anyone who has read this long! One other item - my uncle has two sons who live closer to the hospital and my uncles house. He is a great father to them, yet they do not go see him very often. They don't sit in the waiting room during surgeries, and only see him every couple/few/many weeks when he is in rehab centers. My husband and I have always thought it was awful, and it is, but now we have come to believe that they just want to avoid my aunt (she married my uncle about 24 years ago, when the youngest was 18).
Any thoughts, ideas, insights would be greatly appreciated - sorry this is so convoluted!
My Uncle - who I am very close to - has a lot of health issues. Too many to list here, but essentially right now he has been in and out of the hospital then rehab centers since the end of August. The main current issue is that he got an infection in his left knee (he has both artificial knees, and Jan '12 his right foot was amputated from mid-calf because of peripheral neuropathy and Sharkos, though he's not diabetic). His immune system is shot because he has RA, so he has a PIC line for multiple antibiotics every 6 hours, plus they are treating the knee as an open wound, with a vacuum pump on it.
Right now he is looking at about maybe as much as 2 1/2 months in the rehab center (less if he heals faster than expected), then surgery to remove the knee hardware, then 6 weeks with a wedge spacer (he will need to be in the rehab home for that, as his leg would be non weight bearing), then surgery to put in a new artificial knee, then rehab center for final healing. So we're looking at him not being done with this for 3-5 months?
So the problem... he is mobile right now. He can get himself in and out of bed and his wheelchair, put on his prosthetic foot, and even use his walker for short walks. He is in the rehab center because my aunt refused to learn how to administer the PIC line antibiotics, and says it is too much to care for him at home. My husband and I were there for both of his surgeries, and we were there when the surgeon came out and told her how it went, and that UK (my Uncle lol) could go home in a couple days once she had the training on the PIC line. We saw the disbelief on the doctors face when she said that there was no way she was having him come home, that he would have to go to a rehab center. UK takes this all with incredible cheer and a great attitude. He says that, No, of course it's too much for her and he should be in rehab. The thing is, he is as mobile now as he was prior to getting this infection.
I have offered to spend 3 days a week, sometimes 4, at their house if UK could go home. That way my aunt could get out of the house to see friends and relax, whatever. I actually left a message for my aunt this morning saying that we would love to have him in our home if that would be better. We could put his hospital bed in our living room (they have it in theirs), and we have a comfy guest room that my aunt could stay in when she wants, or she could go home and relax and get away whenever she wants. This way three of us could be looking out for him. I actually operate a nail salon in my home (just me, and I only have about 15 services a week), so I'm here all the time. My uncle really appreciated the offer of help (he hasn't heard about our home offer yet), and said he would ask "them" about it, but...
My aunt is mad at me. My brother, aged 43, died in August, the day before my uncles issues started. My aunt really stepped over some boundaries, both with me and a few of my siblings. She inserted herself into the center of the tragedy - scolding them for things that were none of her business, on the day of my brothers memorial. She also told someone (who molested me as a child, and she knew about it) about my private business. I have chronic pain (TMJ, Arthritis, Fibro & Myofascial Pain Sydrome), but I'm pretty private about it. She then passed a message back to me from him, saying she thought he was very sincere, whatever. The implication being maybe I should re-establish a relationship with him?
When all that happened, like 3 weeks ago?? - I talked it over with her very calmly, showed her grace - just saying we needed to take a step back for a while, and I would just see her when I see UK, and not do her nails right now. I've been doing her nails for free (9 months) and then at my cost for another four years. I told her it was because I want us to have a loving relationship, and to be able to be there for her when UK is sick, and things need to cool off, then we should talk it through. I didn't know until yesterday morning that she had posted this spiteful BS about the nails - and blocked me and my husband from being able to see it.
There are probably 100 people or more that she is on FB with who are my family members, but I don't see them much, and I have no way of communicating to all of them that her post was way out of context. From her post it just looks like I'm being mean not doing her nails. So since she blocked me from seeing that message, I can't respond to it. Maybe I wouldn't want to anyway. But now it's out there for people to assume that I "dumped her" (her words on FB) during this very difficult time of UK being sick.
I guess that's it, long saga, I appreciate anyone who has read this long! One other item - my uncle has two sons who live closer to the hospital and my uncles house. He is a great father to them, yet they do not go see him very often. They don't sit in the waiting room during surgeries, and only see him every couple/few/many weeks when he is in rehab centers. My husband and I have always thought it was awful, and it is, but now we have come to believe that they just want to avoid my aunt (she married my uncle about 24 years ago, when the youngest was 18).
Any thoughts, ideas, insights would be greatly appreciated - sorry this is so convoluted!
By the way, I was on a board with another woman whose family felt she should forgive her older brother for raping her when they were in their teens and she couldn't fight him off and the parents never prosecuted the brother, and the Mom welcomes him with open arms and tries to put them together. This lady has repeatedly told her Mom she wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want to be there when he is there and she is totally ignored.
Sorry about all this and sorry that your Aunt did that with your Molester. She seems to have no filter.
There's no way that UK is a nightmare to live with. It's pretty well known that my cousins find my aunt to be a lot to take, putting it nicely. She definitely has no filter, and no boundaries. She will say, oh, I know people don't like that I'm too -loud, nosy, in your face, whatever - and then she will laugh and say that she's just going to do whatever it is anyway.
I've had several private messages rolling in from other family members (unsolicited), telling me they saw what she wrote and wanting to know what the heck's going on. Each one has been accompanied by statements to the effect that the aunt was in peoples faces at the memorial, and that she had no boundaries there, and was rubbing people the wrong way. Even some who didn't know what were going on are now commenting that she was out of control that weekend and they could tell she was offending several people.
This part of it all I find really sad too - it may be vindicating for me, but it's hard to see her bringing this down on herself when I have been pretty close to her these past five years, and had hoped that she and I could work through this and restore the relationship. I really do care a lot about her, and until very recently I've always just taken her as she is and ignored the negatives - everyone's entitled to their crazy quirks. One of hers is that she has to know and be involved in everything.
The damage for us may be too much to ever be fully repaired - my biggest concern now is how to get her to keep me in the loop about my UK's health, even if she won't let him go home with our help.
Your Aunt is UK's wife and unfortunately will do what she wants and apparently runs his life. No one can force her to do anything other than what she wants.
You want to be prepared because she is unpredictable and unfiltered and you could find:
(1) Keeping you in the loop on UK's condition may not be at the top of her list and maybe you could enlist another family member to do that.
(2) She could insist that UK not go to your home for ______ reason. Remember, she writes a creative Facebook page so she can lend that to this also.
Cousins don't really know the full inside story. Mine didn't. I knew the true story about my Dad. He always put on a great front for other family, for people all around, but he was terrible to live with. It happens. Maybe not in the first two weeks, but down the line.
I would talk to Uncle UK as to what he would like to do.
I think he might be realizing that damage she's done with other family members, making people not be there for him because they don't want to have to be around her. He has told me he would like to see the Facebook comments about what she posted. She lied to him and said there were only two comments - there were 8. She already deleted the postings, but I have a screenshot.
I also have text conversations going back four years, where when he gets sick she doesn't tell his sons how serious it is, and I tell here that she must, because he is their father. That way they don't go to the hospital to see him, and it makes it look like they don't care. When I push her to tell them how serious things are, and she does it (no way around it once I called her on it), they always show up then.
I think she tries to keep him isolated from his family members, and creates division so that she looks like the only one who cares. Then everyone else looks bad. The sad thing, though, is UK is the one who really pays, because he doesn't know why his sons don't come see him in the hospital.
It feels like what she has been doing is abusive to UK.
UK told me that he told her not to talk about me to anyone, and that she will NOT do it. He wants us to just go on from here acting like nothing ever happened. It's hard for me, this whole situation is insane. I guess that I have to accept I can only be there to visit him, and can't do anything at all to help him or make his life any better.
I can assure you that the aunt in this situation is the one who is not behaving in a healthy manner - UK is stuck, but chooses to have a good attitude rather than presenting her with the truth.
For me, this situation is resolved. I will continue to keep in touch with UK by phone, and visit him as often as I can. DH & I will let UK know that if there is anything we can do, all he has to do is tell us and we'll be there for him. We will be polite to the aunt, but keep our distance until such a time as she says that she will look at what's happened and deal with things honestly.
In the end, we are only responsible for our actions, even if we are saddened by the actions of others.
He must have medical insurance. I wished he would have talked to the doctor and you about going beyond your Aunt and getting a nurse to stop in at home just to administer the PIC line antibiotics to him when needed, just so he could go home. But then again, maybe your Aunt would have not treated him well in other ways if he did that.