Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Im 31, married with children, havent lived with my parents in many years. Theyve just recently gotten an exchange student from Germany. They joke to everyone , including myself, that this is their replacement daughter. It wouldnt bother me much if it didnt feel so true- theyre never available anymore. I used to talk to my mom on the phone at least every other day- now she never calls me and when I call her she hurries me off the phone. It creeps me out that theyre constantly telling people how perfect she is- Ive never heard them say the word perfect so often. When she first arrived, my dad said he still couldnt believe shes theirs- shes just too perfect. Unlike his other children? He seems hung up on how pretty she is, always mentioning it. My kids birthday (twins) is coming up. I asked them a month ago if they were coming (theyve always been very involved in the boys lives) and their answer was that they would have to see what Greta wants to do. It just sickens me how theyre suddenly revolving their lives around this person. My dad seems to have adopted a bit of an accent, too- not quite German, Im not sure what the hell it is, but I find it insufferable.
Definitely bring it to their attention and let them both know it's insulting to have your parents become so involved with a stranger from Europe no less and ignore their own flesh and blood..
I sense a battle when you talk to your parents about it. I don't think they're going to see the fault in what they are doing. So whatever you say, keep it short, state examples, and ask them to stop and cut it short.
I wouldn't offer another invitation to your parents to your twins' birthdays. That they were told previously and gave you the excuse that they have to see what the foreign student wants to do--is not only lame, but I find it offensive and lacking sensitivity as this is their grandsons' birthdays. They had plenty of time to arrange their schedule to let the foreign exchange student remain home, or arrange for someone else to drive her someplace, and them to appear at the birthday party themselves.
If they don't show up, they miss out on their grandsons' birthdays. If they don't show up, I suggest you DON'T send them any photos even if they ask. It's good they learn if they choose to put their grandchildren last, then they missed out on something memorable they can't get back and they don't have the photos either.
Good luck and many, many hugs.
Did you ever tell them how you feel? Chances are, they'll defend the "perfect" one, so I'd not make this anti-Greta, just that you miss them.
I'd say that Greta should come to the B-day party so she can experience this part of American culture- that's why she came here, right? And make it clear that you expect them all. Honey (but firm) beats vinegar.
That accent thing would get on my nerves, too, btw! Sounds like Papa has an identity crisis in his older age, now that you've gone.
I'd just talk it out.
Good luck and update us, okay?
My mom is gone, but I think that I would outright call her on this behavior.
When my father was old and sick he hired a private duty caregiver (female) and he fawned all over her, buying things for her and her kids. He would tell her that she was more important to him than his family. Boy did he hear it,. For him, though I know that he was lonely, and she was there everyday.
But in your situation, I think that they are playing games; consciously or unconsciously, who knows.
Depending on the age of this girl your father's fondness for her makes me a little nervous. And at a certain level it sound like they might be doing to provoke you and the family,
Is there a message that they are trying to send?
It's insanity. I hated her for my entire youth- I remember hating her in preschool. She likes to say that I was so hard on her- basically discounting the role she played. But she's always been sneakily mean- she reels me in with kindness and then smacks it to me when I least expect it (though, of course, I should by now.) My dad- bicycling is his life, so he's very fit and very hard on my mom for her weight problem. I really can't believe the way he talks to her- he'll make her the butt of jokes in front of company and is a huge flirt. So I don't doubt they're having marriage problems, and maybe this was meant to fix them, but if my mom knows him at all she should have expected the flirting. And it's gross, I know. I don't know if my dad would ever act on it, but absolutely gross either way. My dad is a control freak- he still has my birth certificate because he doesn't feel I am responsible enough to keep it- I am incredibly organized, everything gets filed in this house and it's always clean. He still sees me as a child. When I was 9, I poked holes in our couch. It was some game I was playing, and I didn't realize they were noticeable until it was too late. Just a few years ago we got in an argument and he said I was mentally ill. How am I mentally ill? "Well, have you seen what you did to the couch?" Like it was yesterday! I'm so confused by this relationship. I know I need to detach, at least emotionally, but I'm such an open book type of person. I just don't see how you can have a relationship with someone and not even talk about the most mundane things going on in your life. I know that I can't open my mouth without whatever I said being turned against me.
They sound like awful people, so why are you upset? I'd be glad Greta can deal with them for a while and leave you off the hook...
I felt that my mom never wanted me to date, have a boyfriend or get married. She certainly became outrageous, drama queen and inserted herself into any man's life that would get near me. She even called up one and told him to stay away from me and when the guy told me, I told him to ignore her.
I think that like me, you're going to have to stop wanting her approval and love because you're not going to get it. You're going to get the back of her hand through the mean comments given to you. You don't deserve it.
I hope you reach a point where you can tell yourself that you don't deserve that and walk away and don't call and don't stop over there.
When they can only treat you poorly and with mean remarks, it's time to put them on the "toxic people" list and start moving them out of your life. For some it may seem mean, but those people haven't experienced it like those of us who have. We deserve a good life and to surround ourselves with people who are friendly, to have fun with and those people may not be our family. Many, many hugs.