Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hoping someone out there can help. I'm a newlywed and I love my husband dearly. But, unfortunately, I've recently come to the conclusion that my MIL likely has an undiagnosed mental illness and I'm scared of what this means for my future family. I'm hoping someone out there with similar experiences might be able to help.
The background: MIL had a twin who was molested by a family member during her middle childhood. Meanwhile, MIL was not molested, but did suffer physical abuse by her dad. The dad left when MIL was around 11. At 18, MIL got pregnant with my DH.
Due to the trauma from their childhood, MIL's twin turned to drugs. The twin also got pregnant around 18. The state came in, took the baby away when she was 3, and MIL and her husband adopted her. MIL's twin had another baby, but for some reason, was allowed to keep her? Anyway, when she was in her mid-thirties, the twin sister died in a drunk driving accident. Her now 14 year old daughter went to live with MIL, FIL, DH and her other sister.
Fast forward to now. MIL and FIL own two (small) vacation homes, one is a ski house the other is a summer home near the shore. When I first met MIL, she told me that she bought the homes so that she could always have her family around her. She now denies saying this, claiming that she meant "I just wanted to buy them for my kids and grandkids to use." Well, kind of the same but.... all the proof was right there as DH expected me to follow him to these vacation homes each weekend during the applicable season. The younger SIL also goes every weekend with her 7 year old son.
A month before our wedding, MIL started making some very ugly comments regarding her GS's other grandma and she would say things to me in casual conversation like, "I use Dreft, even though I don't have a baby right now." Now, it's important to understand that the one SIL who they took in later in the game has an unspoken co-parenting role with MIL. MIL watched GS three days a week as a baby, and SIL would bring him to the summer home at 1 month old and go out and party. She seems to be a functional alcoholic, so MIL "steps in", really enabling her, and takes over with GS. Whenever all of us are at either vacation home, MIL makes it a point (even if SIL hasn't been drinking) to cook GS breakfast, bathe him, feed him, read his bedtime stories, etc. MIL consistently undermines SIL in front of GS (SIL will say it's bedtime, MIL says to GS "let's play a game now!") In fact, GS has a designated bedroom in both vacation homes that aren't easily accessible by SIL - they are, however, easily accessible by MIL. Last summer, MIL said to me, in the presence of DH, "I'm going to take DH down here with me as much as I can, I'm going to get at least a few weeks with him alone, I have needs and know how to speak up for myself...." Yikes.
I'm SCARED TO DEATH this woman thinks I'm going to hand over my LO, should I stick around and have one with DH. Meanwhile, DH agrees that if we did have a baby, we would need to split time evenly... however, he still wants to spend x amount of weekends at each vacation home with his parents. I think this will be confusing and unhealthy for MIL, and for us as a family, so I suggested maybe we just spend every other Saturday afternoon at their summer home or something. No dice. He threw a tantrum when I said that, saying that I was trying to alienate him from his family, when in fact, it would just be spreading out the amount of time he wants to spend down there if we were to go for weekends at a time.
He also wants his mother to watch our child one day a week, and allow for sleepovers on a fairly frequent basis (maybe once or twice every couple of months?) I think all of this sounds very enmeshed. The very first time MIL met my mom, she told her that she was going to be the favorite grandmother. This was after a couple of bottles of wine and in the spirit of "joking" but come on. I feel like she has this set up to nudge out my family (who I'm very close with) and, also, me!
I went to a therapist who suggested that MIL is trying to replace her twin sister by hoarding her family all around her. The therapist said I should think long and hard about continuing this marriage if DH doesn't get some help to see what his mother is doing. She is a very manipulative woman and I am starting to piece all of this together now. She is not someone I want unsupervised around my children. DH doesn't see it that way; he just thinks I'm overly sensitive to her ugly comments and I need to deal. He acknowledges MIL needs help to sort through her past trauma, but says, well she's older now and she's happy and doing fine, so she doesn't need to go. BS. Meanwhile, DH thinks there's nothing wrong with him, that this is just a MIL/DIL issue, so he's reluctant to go to therapy as well.
*sigh* I know that was long. Has anyone had any similar experiences? Honestly, everyone who has met MIL has said something like, "so what's her diagnosis?" MIL talks like a young girl, which my therapist said makes sense becuase that's when all the trauma happened to her. She cries easily, and goes over the top with affection. Very overbearing and again, manipulative. If it's not her way, she will guilt you or tell you all about her "needs" and why you need to do a, b, and c. A good friend of mine is a social worker and seems to think she might have borderline personality disorder. If left untreated, how does BPD present? Should I be fearful about having a family with this man?
This may be hard to believe, but this is the only issue we've ever had in our relationship.
The background: MIL had a twin who was molested by a family member during her middle childhood. Meanwhile, MIL was not molested, but did suffer physical abuse by her dad. The dad left when MIL was around 11. At 18, MIL got pregnant with my DH.
Due to the trauma from their childhood, MIL's twin turned to drugs. The twin also got pregnant around 18. The state came in, took the baby away when she was 3, and MIL and her husband adopted her. MIL's twin had another baby, but for some reason, was allowed to keep her? Anyway, when she was in her mid-thirties, the twin sister died in a drunk driving accident. Her now 14 year old daughter went to live with MIL, FIL, DH and her other sister.
Fast forward to now. MIL and FIL own two (small) vacation homes, one is a ski house the other is a summer home near the shore. When I first met MIL, she told me that she bought the homes so that she could always have her family around her. She now denies saying this, claiming that she meant "I just wanted to buy them for my kids and grandkids to use." Well, kind of the same but.... all the proof was right there as DH expected me to follow him to these vacation homes each weekend during the applicable season. The younger SIL also goes every weekend with her 7 year old son.
A month before our wedding, MIL started making some very ugly comments regarding her GS's other grandma and she would say things to me in casual conversation like, "I use Dreft, even though I don't have a baby right now." Now, it's important to understand that the one SIL who they took in later in the game has an unspoken co-parenting role with MIL. MIL watched GS three days a week as a baby, and SIL would bring him to the summer home at 1 month old and go out and party. She seems to be a functional alcoholic, so MIL "steps in", really enabling her, and takes over with GS. Whenever all of us are at either vacation home, MIL makes it a point (even if SIL hasn't been drinking) to cook GS breakfast, bathe him, feed him, read his bedtime stories, etc. MIL consistently undermines SIL in front of GS (SIL will say it's bedtime, MIL says to GS "let's play a game now!") In fact, GS has a designated bedroom in both vacation homes that aren't easily accessible by SIL - they are, however, easily accessible by MIL. Last summer, MIL said to me, in the presence of DH, "I'm going to take DH down here with me as much as I can, I'm going to get at least a few weeks with him alone, I have needs and know how to speak up for myself...." Yikes.
I'm SCARED TO DEATH this woman thinks I'm going to hand over my LO, should I stick around and have one with DH. Meanwhile, DH agrees that if we did have a baby, we would need to split time evenly... however, he still wants to spend x amount of weekends at each vacation home with his parents. I think this will be confusing and unhealthy for MIL, and for us as a family, so I suggested maybe we just spend every other Saturday afternoon at their summer home or something. No dice. He threw a tantrum when I said that, saying that I was trying to alienate him from his family, when in fact, it would just be spreading out the amount of time he wants to spend down there if we were to go for weekends at a time.
He also wants his mother to watch our child one day a week, and allow for sleepovers on a fairly frequent basis (maybe once or twice every couple of months?) I think all of this sounds very enmeshed. The very first time MIL met my mom, she told her that she was going to be the favorite grandmother. This was after a couple of bottles of wine and in the spirit of "joking" but come on. I feel like she has this set up to nudge out my family (who I'm very close with) and, also, me!
I went to a therapist who suggested that MIL is trying to replace her twin sister by hoarding her family all around her. The therapist said I should think long and hard about continuing this marriage if DH doesn't get some help to see what his mother is doing. She is a very manipulative woman and I am starting to piece all of this together now. She is not someone I want unsupervised around my children. DH doesn't see it that way; he just thinks I'm overly sensitive to her ugly comments and I need to deal. He acknowledges MIL needs help to sort through her past trauma, but says, well she's older now and she's happy and doing fine, so she doesn't need to go. BS. Meanwhile, DH thinks there's nothing wrong with him, that this is just a MIL/DIL issue, so he's reluctant to go to therapy as well.
*sigh* I know that was long. Has anyone had any similar experiences? Honestly, everyone who has met MIL has said something like, "so what's her diagnosis?" MIL talks like a young girl, which my therapist said makes sense becuase that's when all the trauma happened to her. She cries easily, and goes over the top with affection. Very overbearing and again, manipulative. If it's not her way, she will guilt you or tell you all about her "needs" and why you need to do a, b, and c. A good friend of mine is a social worker and seems to think she might have borderline personality disorder. If left untreated, how does BPD present? Should I be fearful about having a family with this man?
This may be hard to believe, but this is the only issue we've ever had in our relationship.
Perhaps your MIL is just getting older and it is just difficult for her to maintain a happier relationship. And then perhaps your observation of her is true; then encouraging your husband to get her properly diagnosed will be better for her. Anyway, take a look at what the experts have to say about aging and friendships. Perhaps she just needs your understanding and patience. Read this article linked below and best to you:
http://www.dailystrength.org/health_blogs/cyndi/article/does-it-get-harder-to-make-friends-as-we-get-older
It's difficult because DH is very defensive of his mother - ironically, he was married before and, yes, shame on me, because this should have been a HUGE red flag, but the divorce was due in large part to his wife's relationship with MIL. When I first met him, DH spun it as "my ex was a narcissist and she hated my family." Well, now I'm feeling like maybe she wasnt' such a narcissist, tried to assert her own independence a little, away from MIL, and the whole thing went to pot. He's not seeing the common denominators here either, by the way...
Yes, I would love to know exactly what your counselor suggested or what you guys did together to bond as a team. Right now, MIL is reading books on MIL/DIL relationships. DH is doing the same and encouraging me to do so. He tells me to keep an "open mind" yet his mind seems pretty closed to his mom's part in all of this....
I would agree with your comment as well that no one's past is an excuse for their behavior. My therapist seems to be saying it to help me gain a perspective or a framework to work from. Like, MIL does x, y, z, and it's NOT okay, but here's why she does it, kind of a thing. OTOH, DH seems to use it as an excuse, when he's not totally blind to it.
My question to you - do we find a generic couples counselor, or one who also specializes in family trauma?
strongonmyown, you are very welcome and I'm sure that the read helped you. Here is another article that may help as well:
http://www.dailystrength.org/health_blogs/DrDennis/article/getting-treatment-the-necessity-of-family-involvment
Please enjoy your day!
Patty