Melanie, what you are going through is not your fault. It is also not your husband's fault. Grief is grief and everyone deals with it differently. It sounds like your husband is a keeper. All relationships go through ups and downs and that is understandable. Good for you that you were able to work hard in school and at work while you were mourning. Now you must work on your marriage.

Be open to your husband. Communicate with him. Tell him you are sorry that you have not been more open with him during your period of grief and that you are committed to doing whatever it takes to make him happy and to get things back on tract. Don't pressure him. Listen to him. Repeat, listen to him. Hear what he is saying and commit to doing what you need to do to save your marriage. If he is a good man he will do the same.

If necessary (but only if it is necessary) suggest a marriage counselor. To make it easier, do your online research and get referrals ahead of time so you know who to go see and can explain their background to him.

After two years, it is time to make your husband your priority now. We wish you and your husband all the best,

--EJ

its just hard to hear him say things like hes not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and that alot of people get divorced early in marriage. im all for bettering myself and ive apologized numerous times for everything ive done wrong and for the way i was. im committed to turning things around and were looking into going through with counseling just because we feel it will help. its like just because i went through a rough patch he doesnt wanna turn things around or see me get better.

People grieve differently, and some people don't know how to handle someone else's grief and it frustrates them or they take it personally. sometimes in our moments of grief we have to learn how to teach others how to their partner grieve and they feel helpless and also not seeing the partner bounce back. Each person becomes an island of lonely anguish for different reasons. Which is why it's imperative that you find a way to empathize with each other, nurture and help each other.

The sooner you get into counseling the better, but perhaps in the meantime perhaps you can both sit and write a list of things you each could do to make life better for the both of you.

It's a losing path when you both focus on the negative and start with the blame game or with the "you don't care" you don't do this". or "you don't do that"

were looking into counseling as we speak. i tell him that we need positive, but hes holding onto the negitive and the resentment he gained in the last year. at this point i feel like he doesnt wanna see me get better. i mean im a psychology student so i know that you need positive reinforcement to keep up positive behavior but he doesnt seem to care.

Positive reinforcement is crucial in its own time. Right now, it is time to listen to him. I said it earlier, and I will say it again. Listen to him. For the fourth time, listen to him. It is not about him accepting you or doing anything you feel he should do. He has endured for two years and he has gotten to a point where he doesn't feel he can take it anymore. Before asking him to hang on and do what you need him to do . . . listen to him. Let him get it all out. There are things about his feelings that you don't know. Show him that you care by listening to him without judgment or without being defensive. That is a very good way to start.

My very best to you, Melanie, and good luck to you and your husband,

--EJ

It's just so hard to sit there and listen to him say that he could leave and that he'd rather have sex with a stranger. It's hard to listen to him be hurtful and mean and not say anything back.

Just listen. In the end, you will learn what he really wants.

--EJ

Mel, hon, if your husband is threatening going to another woman while you are suffering, then he's a class A jerk!

You deserve better.

hes just saying that he could leave if things dont get better.

Yeah, well, so could YOU... He needs to remember that, too!

I don't see his point... threatening to leave, sleep with others...

That is NOT being supportive. It seems like you are minimizing his crappiness...

in all honesty my husband is an amazing man. he does the laundry and cooks dinner almost every night. he will pick me up and drop me off at places such as work or school. but after my grandmother died i just changed, i never wanted to help him with anything because i had no motivation to clean or help with anything, so he felt like he was doing things alone even though i was physically there. he would talk to me time after time and just ask for a little help and i would listen but i just never did because i could just never get myself to. i let my grief and depression control me and for some reason up until the other day i couldnt shake it. i understand the negitive feelings that he has but i wish he could just be happy that im starting to make a come back instead of threatening to leave and telling me that he thinks he may have settled. i mean he just lost his aunt last month so im thinking some of it might be due to him just lashing out, but i have no idea until we go to therapy, which we just filled out forms for yesterday so were waiting to hear back from them. hes really not bad were just in a rut and i just want him to see that we can get back to what we were, we just need positivity.

Melanie, I am glad to hear that you and your husband are fighting for your marriage. It's important. Hang in there. Do the therapy, but don't wait for it to begin. Start talking now. And remember to listen to him. That is what therapists teach you to do. Listen, and then process and communicate your feelings in a productive way.

Best of luck to you both,
--EJ

thank you so much!