You are allowing your family to define you as a person. Never give anyone that power. That power is reserved only for you. They can think of you in any way that they want but if you don't accept it, it is meaningless. Have faith in yourself. Think about your values and what is important to you. That is who you are, my dear.

--EJ

Your mom sounds weird. She doesn't know how you got the way you did? Like you are worse or something??? Can you give me an example?

I felt that way, too. Like my parents are VERY close minded. Prejudiced and all that. I'm like, "How did I even COME from the two of you...?"

I'd get into therapy- it's very damaging when parents don't approve of you.

Hugs.

You said: "Your family is supposed to love you unconditionally and support you in life and I feel like all my family does is bring me drama and drag me down."

...Yah, they are but they aren't. For many of us, myself included, I did not get that unconditional love. That being said, I was raised by my dad who is afflicted with a personality disorder and as my siblings and I have only recently realized, our relatives related to him are his flying monkeys.

So, my friends are more like family to me now. And....I am not ashamed to say that I am my own best friend -- because I have to be. I am my own fan club. Nobody else is going to root for me as much as I do...and this was something I have finally accepted after YEARS of therapy.

It hurts to have had to go NC with my dad....and the relatives just don't have much of a presence in my life because of their loyalty to my dad. Perhaps do a medium no contact and see what happens....just back off and focus on your own life. Do what you like to do and what makes you happy. Surround yourself with those that make you feel good and happy. It will change everything...

Clarification....they are supposed to love you unconditionally but they aren't...

Families are weird. They don't all function the same. And from my own experience I can tell you that they often don't treat us the way we would prefer to be treated.

If you keep involving yourself with people that treat you badly, you will keep feeling bad.

How can you stop allowing them to hurt you? Move on from them. Create your own life outside, away from them. Create for yourself the life you want, surrounded by the people who do treat you the way you would like to be treated. With people who, when you talk, they listen. Or when they do something that upsets you, you feel safe talking to them about it.

Harpee I understand how you feel, epic journey is so right about you giving the power to your family to undermine and demoralise you. Its a self esteem thing, and when it has been done to you all of your life it it is a very hard pattern to break, I know from experience how that feels. It doesnt matter if you dont feel it deep down, but you need to give a different perception to your family when you are with them. Maybe your mother sees you as a 'rival' to your brothers affection now that you are older, like my mother, she loves my brothers fussing around her. Me, well I am there to be useful. I limit my visits to when I feel stronger. When we leave my mothers my husband says to me, now put the hurt and anger into a box in your head and seal it up and move on. Its not as easy as that of course but the theory is right, do what you can, keep your dignity and walk away, if they have little or no interest in you, that is their problem. Just let them think you feel the same way about them.

I can definitely see what you guys are saying. My husband has said a lot of similar things including not knowing how i came from the family I did and am so different. DeliAnnem, an example is when my mom and I disagree on things, she tells me that i am not the person she raised and doesn't know who i am. My mom is very controlling and when you disagree with her, she fights dirty and says thing to hurt. I think that because the biggest issue between the two of us. My mom is more calculating and I lead more with my heart. I know that has always been a big cause of my heart but to shut down and shield that part of me would be changing something of my core and to me I can't let them do that to me. I married someone my mother didn't approve of which only stressed our relationship more and I understand that. I don't second guess who i married for a moment. My regret is that my mother and I became best friends as I was growing up and then when I became an adult I tried to transition us back to mother and daughter and best friends and my mom couldn't make that transition. I know I will never please her because my choices in life have not been what she wanted or what she did. All my experiences made me who I am and I guess I wish just once my family would see the true me and not the person they have decided I am. I have showed them consistently who I am for most of my life but they made up their minds. I guess it has been that unconditional love i have been chasing my entire life because that is how I love all of them no matter the hurt they cause me or comments they say.

Thank you guys for giving me a different perspective on things. I will always be true to myself even tho my mom will never honestly understand. I just feel like we are wasting time and eventually, you run out of time.

You want them to acknowledge your achievements that is normal but not all families are as magnanimous as that, jealousy perhaps. They have you in a place in their minds that makes them feel comfortable. You are not denying yourself by keeping your feelings to yourself when you are with them, but the more you show unfortunately, the more power you are giving them by showing you care so much what they think. I agree the sad part is that you run out of time, but they arent thinking that about in their relationship with you are they. My mother is 84 and to make better memories for myself and hopefully for her, I now bring her to stay with me for a few weeks of the year, to avoid the rest of my family. Mentally she is still as sharp, physically not, but I do everything I can while with her. She txts relatives all of the time while with me!! I sit wondering what she is saying, although dont really like to go there. She sent a txt to me one night by mistake, meant for my sister, saying "missing you, only 4 more days". I left the room when I read it, watching her smiling at the tv, came back in with a drink for her and she said to me "I am going to miss this so much". You can never change anyone so it seems, I have learnt the hard way to blank it out a lot of time just the occasional crazy hour to get rid of those 'feelings', because time does run out eventually and none of it will be important except the people who are meant to be, the ones who really matter.

Triciaclarke, thank you so much for that wonderful, insightful post. I love how you accept the unfairness of it all without internalizing it. You demonstrate this by still having your 84 year old mother over and caring for her. Yes, at this age (my mom is 82) we cannot hope to change them, but we can accept with love. Let's face it, we love them, and that says alot more about you than it does about her.

very best wishes,
--EJ

Yes, you do run out of time... But that's not necessarily a bad thing... It sounds like your mother is a narcissist- you dare to do your own thing, not agree with her, or fail to cow tow to her needs, and you are on her hit list... Were she not your mother, would you put up with that kind of treatment???

I'd say the results of a distant relationship with her is due to her crap.

I bet your current motivation stems from the intense need to finally be validated by your mother since you never got it as a kid.

You need (IMHO) to somehow give your inner child the hugs she needs so you no longer feel that way as an adult.

I suggest going onto the codependency board... I think you'll find a of people who understand this type of dynamic.

Hugs.

Thank you EJ, I appreciate that. I know I would feel very differently if there had been physical abuse, or if she had allowed physical abuse. But instead in my case its a total clash of personalities, I will never understand her, and no doubt she feels the same and yet if we keep off the 'family' subject we do have some interesting conversations. But, I never trust her, I never now want or expect her to validate anything in my life so I am never disappointed, despite wishing I had one of those loving caring mothers we hear about.

Loving, caring moms can come from many corners, Tricia. I hope you and harpee are able to develop those relationships from other fantastic women and people in your lives.

very best,
--EJ

You're not different, you just have a strong sense of self. Don't let others lack of self awareness turn you into something you are not!! You have more power than you give yourself credit for. As long as you like what you see in the mirror then that is all that matters.

Sad that they are treating you so different, but sometimes they don't like it that we make our own decisions and go our own way, and I believe that we need to let our children find their own way in life, even we had different plants for them. You have a good husband and you should focus on him and your own life and love you mom and dad from a distance, you can not please everybody including your parents. What kind of relationship they have with your brothers? Are they controlling to them? Sometimes I feel boys get away with a lot more than girls!? Be happy and grateful for you husband and build a life with him and make it happy and don't reveal too much about your life, specially when they judge you. Peace and Love.