Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
This is a quick version...this went down last night.
My SIL had her baby. I knew my brother was going to come in at some point (he is serving over seas). I called to see how my SIL was doing and then I called my Mom to see if we had heard when Bill would be in...after she told me that they were at his house picking up his jeans and boots, I said Oh is he in? She said no but he will be in an hour. Your brother Tom and friend Mike went to pick him up and he is going to surprise Tara. I said oh, ok. And got quiet, she asked what's wrong. I said nothing...she said somethings wrong whats wrong. I told her that I just felt like I wasn't included and that I was hurt. The whole family will be there, except me. She said that Bill didn't want everyone to know. I told her that it's ok for his "friends" to know but not his sister? I said everyone in our immediate family is going to be there to welcome him home and I wasn't told let alone invited. SHE started to cry and say I was just trying to do what he wanted...I continued to say but I'm his sister. I told her I wasn't trying to upset her, but they needed to know how it made me feel. She said she could understand and she should have told me. She asked me to come up (it is 9:00 pm) I told her no that I have to get my son home and in bed. We said our goodbyes and hung up.
She texted me about 45-1 hour later....I know you won't do this but his flight has been delayed, would you consider coming back up here, I'll pay for your gas and he will be disappointed that you found out but happy to see you. I truly did not mean to leave you out actually it was the other way around he wanted to surprise you too.
I texted back and said that unfortunately my son was down for the evening and it's not fair for me to leave him with my husband and exlude my husband so I won't be able to come up. Please let Bill know I said welcome home and that I do love him. I'm sure we'll get together at some point while he's back. TTYL love ya
She text back ok love you too.
Here is my thoughts on all this. I find it interesting that she told me everything about Bill coming home, and who all was going to get him and who was at the hospital but when I got quiet and she asked what was wrong and I told her I felt excluded...then all of the sudden it was supposed to be a surprise for me too...WTF? Here is another point I'd like to make. It would not surprise me if my brother said he didn't want my husband and I there...the reason I say that is because of the past issues, but also too while he has been over seas he calls people family and friends, but NEVER my husband nor I, not even after I had my son which my brother wasn't here for. Yes we did instant message a little, but why couldn't he call, he can call his friends, but not his only sister. I feel like I'm not even as valuable as friends are to my family. Am I over reacting and how to do I go about the rest of this, URG! I started to feel guilty last night like I was the one blowing this out of proportion. But I don't think I am...I just want to be apart of my family...if they do something as a family, then I should be invited. I'm starting to see where I rank...this is just another friendly reminder of many!
Thoughts and Ideas appreciated...
My SIL had her baby. I knew my brother was going to come in at some point (he is serving over seas). I called to see how my SIL was doing and then I called my Mom to see if we had heard when Bill would be in...after she told me that they were at his house picking up his jeans and boots, I said Oh is he in? She said no but he will be in an hour. Your brother Tom and friend Mike went to pick him up and he is going to surprise Tara. I said oh, ok. And got quiet, she asked what's wrong. I said nothing...she said somethings wrong whats wrong. I told her that I just felt like I wasn't included and that I was hurt. The whole family will be there, except me. She said that Bill didn't want everyone to know. I told her that it's ok for his "friends" to know but not his sister? I said everyone in our immediate family is going to be there to welcome him home and I wasn't told let alone invited. SHE started to cry and say I was just trying to do what he wanted...I continued to say but I'm his sister. I told her I wasn't trying to upset her, but they needed to know how it made me feel. She said she could understand and she should have told me. She asked me to come up (it is 9:00 pm) I told her no that I have to get my son home and in bed. We said our goodbyes and hung up.
She texted me about 45-1 hour later....I know you won't do this but his flight has been delayed, would you consider coming back up here, I'll pay for your gas and he will be disappointed that you found out but happy to see you. I truly did not mean to leave you out actually it was the other way around he wanted to surprise you too.
I texted back and said that unfortunately my son was down for the evening and it's not fair for me to leave him with my husband and exlude my husband so I won't be able to come up. Please let Bill know I said welcome home and that I do love him. I'm sure we'll get together at some point while he's back. TTYL love ya
She text back ok love you too.
Here is my thoughts on all this. I find it interesting that she told me everything about Bill coming home, and who all was going to get him and who was at the hospital but when I got quiet and she asked what was wrong and I told her I felt excluded...then all of the sudden it was supposed to be a surprise for me too...WTF? Here is another point I'd like to make. It would not surprise me if my brother said he didn't want my husband and I there...the reason I say that is because of the past issues, but also too while he has been over seas he calls people family and friends, but NEVER my husband nor I, not even after I had my son which my brother wasn't here for. Yes we did instant message a little, but why couldn't he call, he can call his friends, but not his only sister. I feel like I'm not even as valuable as friends are to my family. Am I over reacting and how to do I go about the rest of this, URG! I started to feel guilty last night like I was the one blowing this out of proportion. But I don't think I am...I just want to be apart of my family...if they do something as a family, then I should be invited. I'm starting to see where I rank...this is just another friendly reminder of many!
Thoughts and Ideas appreciated...
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grill tonight with charcoal.....turned out good but had some stuff that I had to feed to Belle and Happy because it was grissley. it tasted pretty good and was a perfect mid rare....
I wouldn't be angry with your mother but I would talk to your brother and ask him why he felt it was necessary to leave you out of the plans.
At a minimum, I would read up on the subject. Dr. Joshua Coleman is one of my faves but there are others. Scapegoating often goes back to childhood and is usually based on insecurities that parents or siblings have with the scapegoat (you). The perpetrators feel inferior, jealous, or inadequate in some way and regain their sense of power by being unfair to the scapegoat. These misguided patterns make them feel better but doesn't address whatever their real issues are.
The key is for scapegoats to break the pattern. But when you do this, you should do it the right way with effective communication and be prepared for the backlash. That is my two cents on the subject but please get better information that could really help you in your specific situation.
I was scapegoated too. It's wrong, unfair, and doesn't get better unless you put a stop to it.
very best,
--EJ
I am sorry your feelings were hurt like that it was wrong and inconsiderate of all who were involved.
My sister came back into my life several years ago and she can see the difference in me. When she spends time with me, she feels connected and good. When she spends time with other family members she drifts back away from me for awhile, but eventually comes back. She respects my boundaries.
My daughter told me last year, "Mom you broke the cycle" and those were sweet words to my ears.
I see it more as your brother being the Golden Child.
Good for setting boundaries. Just don't to it for the sake of a boundary you don't even want. If you wanted to see them, see them. If not, then don't.
And don't be surprised when they react to your new boundaries.
Hugs.
Obviously if that were true, she wouldn't have told you about it at all. She wouldn't have told you that he was coming and everyone that was going....