Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
So I turn 24 in a couple months. I went away for 2 years (happiest 2 years of my life) for school and moved back in june. I was dating someone and my family actually accepted and liked him, they never like anyone I'm dating or having feelings for. We eventually got engaged and then family became a part of things and thats when things went down hill for us. We eventually broke up a month before the wedding which would have been on february 28 due to a lot of miscommunication because he lives far away and because his mom and mine.
Anyways, my mom is old fashioned... VERY. I can't seem to make her happy. She wanted me to cut contact with him immediately after breaking up because of people and family and this and that. We loved each other very much and I think we were both very angry with each other for the break up that we had a nasty time after the break up. But we still stay in touch and we are trying to meet up next week to talk for the first time since the break up happened on the phone. My mom doesn't know that.
I got in a really bad argument/fight with her about 10-14 days ago and she had my brother and dad sit in and they all had an intervention in which she kept asking me why i'm talking to him if we already broke up and that she will not allow us to get back together and my actions are actions of a whore and a slut and that I'm better off dead than doing this to the family. I was already hurt since I lost what still seems like the love of my life and now my family is cornering me and telling me such hateful things. I tried to walk lout and she held me and said I can't leave until i tell her what my plan is with my ex. She thought I wanted to run away with him. I got really angry and frustrated as i tried to push her away, I ended up slapping her. I DID NOT MEAN TO. I love my mother to death. She is my sunshine. I do hate my dad because he is abusive and I have a lot of issues because of him and I do have anger issues.
I left to stay with my brother and I came back home 2 days later because my brother was ignoring me and I had no one to talk to or understand. I felt so alone that i wanted to hurt myself. My mom barely talks to me and she is set on the fact that I am wrong and she will not talk to me as long as i'm still in contact with my ex. She said it is him or them. I do not know how to deal with this. I love her and I want her happy but I need to find my own happiness too. I just wish she would understand. I need help/advice on how to handle this.
Anyways, my mom is old fashioned... VERY. I can't seem to make her happy. She wanted me to cut contact with him immediately after breaking up because of people and family and this and that. We loved each other very much and I think we were both very angry with each other for the break up that we had a nasty time after the break up. But we still stay in touch and we are trying to meet up next week to talk for the first time since the break up happened on the phone. My mom doesn't know that.
I got in a really bad argument/fight with her about 10-14 days ago and she had my brother and dad sit in and they all had an intervention in which she kept asking me why i'm talking to him if we already broke up and that she will not allow us to get back together and my actions are actions of a whore and a slut and that I'm better off dead than doing this to the family. I was already hurt since I lost what still seems like the love of my life and now my family is cornering me and telling me such hateful things. I tried to walk lout and she held me and said I can't leave until i tell her what my plan is with my ex. She thought I wanted to run away with him. I got really angry and frustrated as i tried to push her away, I ended up slapping her. I DID NOT MEAN TO. I love my mother to death. She is my sunshine. I do hate my dad because he is abusive and I have a lot of issues because of him and I do have anger issues.
I left to stay with my brother and I came back home 2 days later because my brother was ignoring me and I had no one to talk to or understand. I felt so alone that i wanted to hurt myself. My mom barely talks to me and she is set on the fact that I am wrong and she will not talk to me as long as i'm still in contact with my ex. She said it is him or them. I do not know how to deal with this. I love her and I want her happy but I need to find my own happiness too. I just wish she would understand. I need help/advice on how to handle this.
You should always try to keep a situation calm, even if yelling starts, so it doesn't escalate to things like that.
If your mom is old fashioned, maybe breaking up wasn't really a thing before. Deep down she probably doesn't want to see you hurt, sometimes people show these things with what seems like anger.
Maybe if things went so much downhill, could it mean you weren't ready?
If I were you I'd move out. I'd tell my parents that they get no say who I talk to and they can either be accepting of me or be estranged from me.
It's true that she may not want to see you hurt, but when we love people we need to stand back sometimes. People will always make their own mistakes, and so I believe we should just be there for them when they get hurt or suffer the consequences of their actions.
I'm just trying to find my own path of happiness.
I think you trauma bonded with the lesser of two evils here...
I agree with Lebe- you need a plan to move out. You said you were happy those two years.
I suggest:
1. Going to a women's shelter for help in learning how to get independent. They know all the ways.
2. Get a job so you can be independent.
3. Set boundaries with your family and *calmly* say that you will NOT discuss your relationship with your ex fianc. Period. And do NOT get angry again.
4. I see you think you have anger issues; I see it as PTSD from my own experience.
5. Can you get therapy?
6. Do not fall into the trap that your ex could be your ticket out of this hell... BTW- why did you break up? I think it's a blessing, though... you need to learn how to live on your own before taking on a marriage. At least in this society.
BTW- are your parents from another country? I don't see how this mentality would come from an American. No offense.
Hugs.
Yes, we are middle eastern so there are a lot of rules simply because I am a girl and I'm supposed to be a virgin not that I am anymore. I can be independent. I have a job. I was independent when I was away for college. I got to a point where I did not get any help from them and that's when she forced me to come back. It was come home or be considered a whore. Every time I mess up, I'm a whore for some reason although I am a really good girl. A lot of people from all cultures meet me and thing I'm a strong tough girl and a lot of them tell her that she should be proud of the girl she raised. I just wish she saw that in me.
I broke up with my ex because his dad was verbally abusive and angry when he grew up so my verbal abuse towards him pushed him away and at the same time, we were 4 hours away and my mom put stuff in my head and we got stressed over planning the wedding that neither of us wanted but my mom wanted because of the culture. When we were dating away from home, we basically lived together and cooked and went out, life was wonderful without neither of our parents involved. His mom didn't like me either because of my religion and he always told her about every little argument we had which i didn't like because I didn't feel safe and secure. I think his parents told him we weren't a good match just like mine told me that on top of all the stress, we broke up on the phone.
I am planning on seeing him next saturday to talk and see. I don't want family to control my life. I don't want to end up like my parents. I want a healthy family that gets together on weekends and has bbq's and I want kids that can come to me when they need me.
Your mother sounds controlling, judgmental, and quite selfish. She doesn't seem to care about you. And to say those things to someone is completely wrong.
A person like that isn't worth having in your life. Her behavior is just insane.
Only you are responsible for your salvation. If they are true to Islam, they should know that only allah is to judge you.
If you are in the US, then maybe they need to remember that here, she doesn't need to worry so much about your reputation like she would in her home country. Her intentions may be good, but they don't apply here.
As for HIS parents not liking your faith, yeah... the US does not understand us, thanks to the media.
All in all, maybe there is something to be said about culture clashes NOT being a good mix b/c it can tear you down.
That said, if you and he CAN be strong enough to withstand those pressures, then the two of you can become a great force together and weather a lot over time.
It's up to the two of you to decide if your relationship is worth it.
Best of luck.
Hugs.