You clearly love your mum deep down and I know she loves you too. So your unhappiness is more to do with your mum's behaviour than your num being a bad person. I'm sure your mum will have been offered help for depression and alcohol dependency problems. Your mum really does need to take responsibility for why she is abusing alcohol and in turn upsetting her f amily. Is she lonely, does she drink for any other reason than she is totally miserable and cannot accept your fathers suicide and she just can't cope? Whatever the reason is there will be help and support available. you can do to help her feel better? Then there is the possibility your mother doesn't want any help. This is terrible sad but there is only so much you can do if your mum is not willing to get the help she needs. I think you have dealt with the situation really well. However, I do believe you need to be honest with your mum about how you feel and what this is doing to your family. Are you getting any support from a councillor to help you deal with this. I'm sure your doctors surgery would be able to put you in touch with a support group. People are not perfect and it can make us feel angry, depressed or guilty when we feel we are not in control of a situation. So it's good to talk to a professional about it. Do encourage your children to talk about their feelings. Try to keep yourself occupied doing lots of positive things for your own well being and encourage your family to do the same. Have lots of interests and hobbies, do lots of fun things and keep active, join a choir, play sports, go out for walks in the county ( all of you as a family if possible) as connecting with nature is good for uplifting your spirits. Please don't let your mum's problem overwhelm your life. Try and keep a contact with her on a regular basis once a week would be nice, I know this would be hard, but one day sadly your mum won't be around anymore and it will help you enormously if you know you tried your best to be there for her. If this is too much for you, then try to see her occasionally, remember she is suffering and it will be an enormous comfort for her to know you still care. If this is not possible then you know you have done all you could and you must have peace of mind so please don't ever feel guilty. Maybe you could send her a card in the post to let her know that even though it's too painful to see her this way, you are thinking of her and send your love. You are only human and you sound like a caring daughter. Nobody could ask for more. Good luck to you all And be kind to yourself.

You're a parent, you obligation is to your minor children first, then to self care for yourself.

I think it's pretty clear that you're there if she's not drinking. Beyond that, you just have to let her go.

Basically, I think you're handling it the best anyone could. And a great example to your kids.

Heartfelt hugs, Patti

I don't think she wants help. Purely speculation and all, but I think there is a lot going on with her. I think she feels inadequate, among other things...depression, no self worth--you can see it in some narcissistic qualities that come out. I have heard people in my family allude to things that happened when she and her siblings were kids, but I don't know for sure. Not only did my dad commit suicide, but her second husband then died 5 years later from a heart attack. He was a wonderful man. She has not had an easy life at all, so in some ways, I can almost see why she'd be looking for an escape.

But I have about zero respect for her third, current husband (also, ironically my boyfriend's dad). The two of them met for the first time when we had our son. Up until that point, my mom had been super supportive and helpful to me with my young daughter. She and my daughter were very close. But after those two hooked up was when she began drawing away from us more and more. It wasn't super noticeable what was happening at first, but it went downhill from there. And this is where my daughter has a hard time with her feelings about it too, because she remembers being very close with and spending lots of time with her grandma. I feel like this man enables her. He couldn't quit drinking and smoking himself to help support her efforts. So after she got out of the hospital, they fell right back into old habits again.

I am not seeking professional help at this time. I do have a support system at least in some of my extended family, and even my boyfriend, despite how all of this involves his dad and what I think of that man. We have managed to not let this situation divide us--something we discussed from the beginning when they first started dating. My kids will always have an open ear from me, with this or for anything. They seem to enjoy being able to tell me what's on their mind about pretty much anything, so I'm just hoping that doesn't change, especially with the oldest. Since she's 13 now and still likes talking to me, I'm hoping that continues into the rest of her teenage years!

One thing my parents have done for me is to show me what NOT to do.

I don't know if I can keep in touch with her, much less once a week. Conversations with her are just painful to get through. I'm not sure I need to put myself through that. Or at least I'm definitely not there yet. I will consider some kind of communication though. I could maybe start with writing casual note cards, maybe send along a photo of the kids now and then. Maybe work up to something from there. Something where I could eventually open up and be honest about what I think. Maybe it would do her some good to know that we at least think of her.

Thank you guys for your thoughts and advice. It's very reaffirming.