I'm sorry for your strained relationship.

My best advice is not to engage.

If she voices her frustrations (engages with you), hear it as frustrations and her pain, rather than attacks on you.

Background: My mother did her best. But I grew up crying every night and basically suicidal. I know that my mother didn't intend this, but it was my reality. Many of the things that she did that hurt me were basic parenting advice at the time. (Some were definitely not.) She thought she was doing what was best for me...etc, etc, etc. My mother would never see my childhood as abusive, but I'd die rather than go back...and nothing to this day is worth what I went through...nothing. I have a basic, but distant relationship with my mother. That said, I'm now, one of the happiest people I know.


So my advice is instead of seeing "right and wrong", see her feelings. It's IS possible to acknowledge them, without conceding that you did anything intentionally to hurt her.

But mostly, relationships are based on how we make each other Feel.

So validate her ...every chance you get...Especially when she does it differently than you. Tell her that you're Proud of her...and Mean it (practice if you have to)...you hate a messy house, and hers is a disaster...THAT is the time to tell her. Tell her that she's Doing a Great Job...and mean it. Make it an effort every time you talk to her to see something that she's Doing right (not her hair, not her clothes, nothing genetic but,)... something that she's done right with what life has given her.

Don't fix her...support her.

Help her be the person that She wants to be.
If you want to help....don't do what you would have wanted someone to do for you...ask her what She wants help with. Believe her. People really do tell the truth about that. Maybe it's wanting the car washed, maybe it's the vacuuming done, maybe she'd like you to hold the baby for a couple hours (not put the baby down and watch the baby...she could have done that...but hold the baby) while She does the laundry...because we all need to get away a bit.

And relate to her. You say that you feel like a failure...she probably feels the exact same way.


I wish you the best, the absolute best.

Hugs to you. Very painful when we don't have a relationship with our children. i too always had a strained relationship with my son who is now 27. What gets me through, I wrote him a letter and expressed my shortcomings and apoligized for not being the parent he wanted me to be and that my intentions were well meant. I sent cards, offered kind words and i will die trying. In my eyes, as long as i "attempt" to keep the door open, it's an open door.

Send a card. Let her know how much you love her and until that child is born, she will never understand. Don't beat yourself up too much. Tomorrow is another day to start over. When the baby is born, send a card. if you don't , she will remember how when she had her baby, you didn't even reach out....I love cards. It allows us to kinda say what we feel but save us from physical emotional harm or rejection. even if she gets it and throws it away, at least you sent it.

honeybear, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I would suggest two other forums here on DS. PWWA, parents who walk away, (this forum is a bit more for parents who have gone through the estrangement process and are healing through themselves and support). A better forum for you may be PEACE, Parents of Estranged Adult Children, (here you'll find many who are going through what you are going through right now). You'll find these folks to be a tremendous source of support for you.

I hope you are able to mend things soon.

Sincerely,
PD

I am so sorry. As a mom I know this is one of the most painful things a mother can experience. Let her know no matter what you love her and will be there if she needs you your only a call away. Hopefully she will come around I would start a bank account for your Grandbaby for holidays so when he or she comes looking for you he will see you always thought of him. Hopefully it does not come to that and having a baby changes your daughters feelings.

I can relate as a daughter and I have to tell you that yeah, you should let her be. She has made it clear that she is setting up a boundary that would be in your best interest to respect. I have been in her shoes and being a parent has brought up a lot of issues from my past that I have been forced to relive through my kids. Lots of joy for my kids and lots of healing for myself. It is an emotional roller coaster. If she wants to reconnect you with in the future, let her do it on her terms. Don't interfere by sending cards, notes or anything else. I guarantee you that it will only push her further away. Baby steps...it is like rebuilding a relationship all over again.