Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I have 4 sons, 2 from a previous marriage. They were just babies when I divorced their dad, because he was cheating with 3 women & was becoming abusive. I remarried 5 years later & have been married for 22 years. When my 2nd eldest son was 13, he moved with his dad to another city. Then, when my eldest was 15, he moved with his dad. They had never really had a relationship with him, as he never contacted them. I told them what he was & how he was, but they had to find out the hard way. Years later, they moved back home with me. Their dad had tramuatized them, treated them horribly. He told them both the only reason he wanted them with him, was so he wouldnt have to pay me child support. Now, they are 26 & 27 years old. My oldest son called me about 2 months ago & told me what a horrible mom I had been. He called quite a few times just to tell me that. I havent spoken to him in over a month. Now, yesterday, my 2nd eldest son told me via text message, how horrible I was & am. I gave up a very good job when they were little just to stay at home & be a good mom. I surely wasnt perfect, but I was always there for them & did anything for them. It is so hurtful & painful that they feel this way about me. My husband tells me to "not worry about it", & that "its their problem". That is a little hard to do as a mother. My 2nd oldest is a father himself now, & is using my grandson as a ply to get to me. He threatened I wouldnt get to see him anymore. How do I cope with this rejection & pain? Thank you in advance for any insight/advice.
I know it isn't easy but under the circumstances at least for now it is better that you do not contact them and let them make the moves on wanting to have a normal happy relationship with you. In the mean time you might want to consider seeing a counselor just to help you cope with the all the feelings and separation. You know in your heart you have been a wonderful mother and your sons will have to realize that in their own time.
You can't allow either of your son's negative behavior, blackmail or manipulative ways disrupt your life as this will not give you closure or a happy future. The best you can do is like I said let them know you love them but unless they treat you with respect that you just can't see them. The door is always open to them if they can follow those rules. I know that is very difficult as a mother to do but I also think that with the support of your husband and counseling things will get better. I hope this helps a bit and much happier days find you very soon. Wishing you all the best.
It isn't that I do not love and care for them but their behavior is not a good thing to have in my life. It wore me down, made me feel guilty about things I should not have to feel guilty about. It affected my relationships with others and so much more. So although I do not wish anything bad upon them I just can't allow them into my life as the cons of this are so much greater then the pros.
And like I said it is not easy. I have good and bad days just like anyone else. I miss the times when things were good and I do allow myself to feel sad from time to time but in all aspects my life has been much happier since I took control of my own situation and found the courage to focus more on the people who are positive and supportive. The best any of us can do is take it day by day.
Being able to talk to people you feel are trustworthy makes things and coping a whole lot easier. That is why I encourage you to seek support. Hang in there:)
I have never personally experienced what you describe, but I understand what this is doing to your mind by struggling to make sense of your sons unacceptable behaviors. I agree with Katie that a family relationships therapist could help you all; that is, if your sons will agree to it. I feel that none of you are aware of the circumstance that started this situationbecause there are too many factors to consider which ones are at fault; this will take some time to figure. What is very clear is that you are very clearly a loving mother to which your sons do not consider you any more as a leading voice in their world. What also is difficult to the eye and imagination is how this deeply emotional relationship with them went off course and to the wayside. So this is where therapy will help to pinpoint the reason(s) of disassociation and with this information it will be helpful as a guide to all of you in order to formulate useful ideas during the process targeted to stabilize the relationship. I am really sorry that your sons desire to separate and especially where there are innocent grandchildren or other blameless family members to consider now who are barred out of your life. But for the sake of finding answers and family peace do consider contacting a family counselor to assist you, because there are really strong issues to target and then the hectic work that will hopefully lead to fusing your lives back to a steady, normal relationship.
I am really pleased that you made the choice to contact this support site for insight, and do remember to keep all updated with whats transpiring during the movement to find closure. We want you to stay inspired and have strong faith that all will improve in this matter, and, too, I hope to see you less disturbed about the torture your heart is facing. Be encouraged to seeking a very functional relationship ahead of you with your sons and other important family connections.
I just came home from church, & I am thankful for my faith. God is my counselor right now. I believe as long as I pray, everything will work out eventually. I dont know what else I can do....
Nice to chat with you and I hope to see more of you visiting with others at this site. By the way, there is a Christian site here at dailystrength. Just type in and search in the little box at the top of the page. If you have any problems finding this group just locate a community leader (CL initials will be beside their login name ) at one of this site's support groups for additional help, and they can provide you with more information about how to use this site for friendly support. So relax and have fun. Have a nice night!!
PapaRon, I would be interested in hearing more of your story. It helps a little each time I can hear another parents story of their own pain. If you wish to share, I would like to hear it. Im in turn sorry for your pain & loss as well. There is nothing harder. Ive heard numerous times "your children will hurt you more than anyone else". I never believed it until now. I look forward to hearing more from you, Nancy
You sons went back to their biological father during their turbulent teens and then ricocheted back to your home. I'll bet that you were swamped trying to keep up with two teenage boys plus two additional children and a husband. It must've been overwhelming. Most importantly, a stepfather often doesn't have much authority in the home and no one had control over the two older boys when they were teens.
You were stretched very thin between two marriages and four kids. Your older sons are very dear to you, and will remain so. Maybe you could sit down in a calmer moment and write them a letter about how you feel.
At any rate you don't need any more drama or chaos in your life. Are your elder sons' lives chaotic? Do they have careers and structured family lives? If not beware. Their adult problems may continue to spill over into your life. A kind and measured "time out" might be the best solution for everyone right now.
Also, I married my 2nd husband when my oldest was around 5 yrs old, & always treated them AND disciplined them like the other 2. We always agreed on punishments/dicsipline. But, my older two were with thier dad, with no structure & able to come & go as they pleased. Most importantly, there was no love/affection.
No one got treated differently because they were "stepchildren". I am very upset right now & I know it will take some time to adjust.
I think they learned a lot from their dad. The question is... What are you going to do about it? Who is the parent and who is the child? It is time to practice tough love.
If you want to read my expierence, read my journal entries. There is one in there about my daughter and what we have went through, going through now and how we are handling it.
I am praying for you.