Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
A little background: my older (by 3 years) brother who is 42 years old has been living with me and my parents and my grandma (RIP) for about a decade. My brother came over 10 years ago from Virginia for a job in California and my parents gave him and his wife, room and board. My family and I don't get along with my brother. I mean at most situations its neutral but sometimes he argues with my parents about every little thing because he thinks hes right. He used to ride in the car with us to family gatherings but now he drives himself. Before college I used to talk to him about anything but now I don't talk to him because he always believes he is right and will not admit that he is wrong when the facts are shown. He will go with what you are saying when you are right but won't admit that you are correct. He is a private person and doesn't like it when a close family member asks personal questions such as "where are you going" or "how are you"and will snap back. Currently, my brother lost his job in March and to my knowledge has not been looking. The last 6 months he has been sight seeing, hiking and seeing old friends/family.
The issue: He doesn't get asked to pay my parents for rent, utilites, internet etc but I do and so did my grandma. I paid every couple of weeks for these items and for gasoline. 6 years ago his wife died and my grandma died 4 years ago but he still stays with us and hasn't been asked to pay anything. He does pay for his own gas. I actually forgot about paying my parents for the last 6 months and my parents complained yesterday about it cause they want to get a new modem. I did tell them they forget to ask me and have forgotten in the past. The last 6 months I have other issues on my mind. Anyways, I asked my parents yesterday about my brother not paying but they take pity on him because he is unemployed.
Solution: Looking back it kind of infuriates me he hasn't paid anything to my parents for a decade, though I think i never really asked my parents about it because he can snap back at you. My solution since my parents don't want to ask cause I think they are afraid of him, is to personally ask myself... I'm slightly afraid of him but since we are family I hope it can get resolved peacefully and he will pay some amount.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I agree with @bobinmaine that you should talk to your parents about this. Is your brother collecting any unemployment money?
At the very least, he should be helping out in non-monetary ways. Such as, household chores, yard work, home repairs, etc, Just general helping with anything that's needed around the house. If he has time to go out all the time, then he certainly has time to help with things at the house. Again, something you'd have to talk to your parents about.
And lastly, have you considered moving out? Maybe you can get a place with some roommates. Unless you want to live there, then that is okay, too, of course.
Talk to your parents. Talk to your brother. Try to come up with solutions that everyone is happy with. Good luck. Let us know how it's going.
I've always considered moving out but its so expensive in San Diego, California. Maybe I'll check out some downtown apartments though I would like to stay close to my family and my place of work.
Chat with your brother if you want but don't expect change. Your brother also exhibits signs of emotional or mental disturbance. Maybe depression. Yes he thinks he is always right but this hides his deepest fears that he is not good enough. So don't argue with him about anything or talk politics, religion, anything. You can't fix or change him. And he likely dislikes himself for being out of work, living at home, and no longer a functioning independent adult. So he pretends his statements, thinking, opinions are always right. Easier to blame you or mom or dad than take care of his own business.
Additionally, unless your parents have lots of money, they are short circuiting their own retirement finances. They need to be saving for their retirement and not paying for food and shelter for their adult children who are no longer children.
I am going to suggest you read a book on boundaries within the family. My current fave book is "Drama Free" by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I am a parent, grandparent, and have adult children with mental illness myself. So many of my peers like the enmeshment and continuous "parenting" they do with non-functioning adult sons or daughters. It fills a need within the parent, gives them purpose in life, provides a social life of sorts, or something else.
Your energy might be better spent getting self educated on the issues of family boundaries and then making plans to find your own place and becoming independent. I am not saying estrange, I am saying time to fly the nest and do your own thing. Time to step out of the old family dynamics, with love for them and love for yourself.