Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

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MOM WARS

startingright15
startingright15
My sister was going through a really rough time a few years ago and gave her son to our mom to take care of. She did the right thing knowing that she could not take care of him. He ended up living with mom until he was 3 years old before my sister was on the right track again and doing really really good for the first time in a long time. She tried making efforts to connect with her son and our mom refused to let her see him unless she was in the room. This was understandable at first because she had to prove that she had changed and all that. It continued this way for 2 years, mom doesn't talk about my sister to her son so he has no idea who she is and the part that is the most frustrating for me is that mom has let him call HER momma (she says he couldn't say grandma). She never tried correcting him or teaching him how to say grandma and it really bothers my sister whom he is only aloud to call Mother. On top of all this he is a complete BRAT! I have a hard time connecting with him even though he is my nephew because he is so manipulative, rude, arrogant, and destructive and he is now 5 years old!. He has 2 sisters and a new baby brother that he does not even know and my sister is not allowed to introduced them to him as his brother and sisters because according to mom it will "traumatize him" and he "doesn't understand" he will get confused. When I try talking to my mom about my nephews attitude and how she is making my sister feel she yells at me saying that "You don't have boys so you won't understand" he is just being a boy. And she never wants to listen to reason, she says I always take my sister's side. I have been trying to get her to see what she is doing to her other daughter. They now have an irreparable relationship because of how the boy is being raised. To boot, my sister has tried to get her son back and they refuse to give him back saying that they will take her to court and file abandonment charges on her and that they will fight for adoption of him because he doesnt even know who she is. IT IS THEIR FAULT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS!!! She has been trying for YEARS to see him on a regular basis and they always had an excuse. "going out of town, too tired, too sick, too busy, don't feel like it"

Should I just stay out of their fight and pretend this does not bother me? I am afraid I will lose a relationship with my mother because I do not agree with her and what she has done.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
This is NOT good... But it's also not your kid.

It seems like your sister and your mother are in opposite corners, so if you get involved, you're going to have to take sides...

How about thinking of the kid? Can you go to CPS and ask for advice? Can you point your sister toward legal advice?

Sound like a lot of dysfunction. I'd stay far, far away... And be the best Auntie in the world. Sounds like he needs it.
annieheart
annieheart
Your Moms lies are out of control. Your sister needs to get legal advice.She all so needs to talk to a counselor about this. The longer the lies go on the worse the situation will get.
startingright15
startingright15
DeliAnnem I have pointed my sister to legal advice before and she did not have the money to pay for more than one court visit and they (stepdad and our mom) told her they would continue to take her until she was unable to afford to go anymore. Their reasoning is that she has other children and they can afford to give him a private schooling, get him into sports, and pay for his college. They also say she can still see him whenever she wants to....KNOWING that she does not have a reliable vehicle. She lives 20 minutes away from him and never gets to see him. You are right though, I need to just separate myself from it and try to be the best Auntie for him! Question: How do I stop either of them from calling me to complain, vent, etc?
startingright15
startingright15
Annieheart--- I am afraid of the same thing. I feel helpless to the situation since it is not mine to deal with. I wonder if I need to just sit back and wait for him to be old enough to talk to about all of this? As it is he is going to grow up resenting the wrong person....I don't want to see him be a hateful teenager that hates his mom because of lies he grew up with.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
The lies your mother tells will backfire... eventually.

How to get them to stop venting to you? Tell them to stop venting to you. Say that you will no longer be their sounding board and if they do so, you'll hang up the phone, leave, etc.

Hope over to the codependency group. We're a fun bunch! : )
heartsadx3
heartsadx3
This sounds horrible. Your sister obviously is reaping some of what she is responsible for however there should be some reasonable way to pursue having visitation etc. She needs to fight this on her end and get support and what she needs in place to not only have her parental rights respected but also to ensure the child is the least disrupted from what he has known. I would think counseling and other people involved would help. With your sister having other children maybe she isn't able to make the effort needed to regain at least partial if not all custody. She has to make it a priority. Sorry how terrible.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
Social services???
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
If there's been no legal ruling for the grandparents to TAKE her kid, she can go to the POLICE for kidnapping if they are holding her son against her will. I'm no lawyer, but at least that's what I'd think... And then I found this:

http://www.circleofmoms.com/young-moms-aged-20-30/my-in-laws-have-refused-to-give-me-back-my-son-682333

She can at least threaten that and see what your mother says...

Why did she give him to them anyway... and why more kids after if she couldn't take care of the first one? Not judging, but could there be more to the story your sister isn't telling and your mother is just protecting the sister by not telling you???
startingright15
startingright15
Thank you everyone for your responses, it gives me something to "chew" on. DeliAnnem--It is a very long and complicated story but as for the other children --She got married a few years ago and is in a very stable situation with her life now and has 2 children with her husband. She was married before and had one child, when she was pregnant with my nephew he left her for her best friend....after having the baby boy she tried to pull herself together but between a very manipulative and vindictive husband and post partum depression she was unable to function enough to take care of them. The (now ex) husband used that as a chance to take his first born child from her and deny the relation to his son. That is when my mom stepped in to help her out. From her place at that time in her life (Everything had been taken away from her) that was her perspective. It took her a long time to get back on her feet and feeling normal again. She now has joint custody with ex on the first born child but had this issue with getting her son back into her life.
Anyway, I have taken your advice and stopped letting myself get in the middle of that issue. I have told both of them I don't want to hear it anymore because I can't handle it. They have both backed off
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
Sounds like a lot of drama and dysfunction and heartache. It's torturing just to read...

Too bad for everybody concerned.

I'd just pray for them... and for you. Know the Serenity Prayer?

Hugs.
epicjourney
epicjourney
This is not a difficult problem. It will take awhile because legal things always do, but your sister will easily win this case in court. Two issues:

1. Best interests of the child, and
2. Presumption of custody in favor of natural parent

Grandparents almost never win these cases unless they can show the natural mother is "unfit." That usually means prostitution, drug addict, etc. Even then, many of those mothers still win custody of their child.

Also, tell her to go to social services and the local bar association where there are many pro bono attorneys who take cases like this. Pro bono means free. The grandparents do not have a legal leg to stand on and should be ashamed of themselves. They are the ones who should be threatened with legal action, e.g., kidnapping, illegal adoption, etc. If they truly care about the child they will give him back to the mother and help the mother raise the child.

As her sister, I would be careful not to alienate the grandparents. That does not mean you cannot help your sister, however. Just do the right thing and if your parents have a problem with it, too bad. You are only doing what is right for all involved.

best of luck,
--EJ
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