Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My father is an alcoholic. He was in his first and second marriages (which caused them to end) and through his entire relationship with my mother. My mother and him were together until shortly after my younger sister turned 19. My mother called a quits to his abuse and drinking, and has spent the last two years rebuilding and relearning how to live life after a long time of only knowing life with him. I couldn't be more proud of her, and it makes me happy to see her happy.
But the thing that hurts is that my father cut off all contact with us kids after this happened. I live 9 hours away from where they are located (don't drive), so I can't just run into him. But I've been told that he has rejected my younger sister several times in her attempt to maintain a relationship with him. There's a lot of rumors about how much he is drinking, and a woman he is with is a known drinker (small town). He has shut off his home phone and cell phone, and has moved several times. I know he was arrested and lost his license for drinking and driving.
I have always been the daughter (out of 3) who was the closest to him. I was more of a tomboy of sorts, and interested in things he was doing for work, etc. The last time I saw him in person was when he walked me down the aisle at my wedding (which was the first weekend he had been completely sober). I know that he had his heart ripped out - even if the relationship with my mom was not healthy. And I am scared of the rejection, because it has happened when I was a child - when my parents have separated. I just have a hard time thinking I may not see him again, and struggle with not being able to pick up the phone and lean on him like I used to :(
But the thing that hurts is that my father cut off all contact with us kids after this happened. I live 9 hours away from where they are located (don't drive), so I can't just run into him. But I've been told that he has rejected my younger sister several times in her attempt to maintain a relationship with him. There's a lot of rumors about how much he is drinking, and a woman he is with is a known drinker (small town). He has shut off his home phone and cell phone, and has moved several times. I know he was arrested and lost his license for drinking and driving.
I have always been the daughter (out of 3) who was the closest to him. I was more of a tomboy of sorts, and interested in things he was doing for work, etc. The last time I saw him in person was when he walked me down the aisle at my wedding (which was the first weekend he had been completely sober). I know that he had his heart ripped out - even if the relationship with my mom was not healthy. And I am scared of the rejection, because it has happened when I was a child - when my parents have separated. I just have a hard time thinking I may not see him again, and struggle with not being able to pick up the phone and lean on him like I used to :(
What you could so is send him a card, Christmas if you feel that would be well received. Send it to whatever address you have for him. If it's a really small town you can send it to the post office marked "general delivery". The post master may know where he is living.
Keep it simple. Tell him you love him and miss him and give your address and phone number. The only other thought would be if there is a pastor or priest that might help you find him. Just remember that you can reach out your hand but then you have to wait for dad to take it.
If you do hear from dad you should mention it to your mom. Just let her know that you had some contact and didn't want her to think you were going behind her back. You might even consider talking to her first. Hopefully she understands that he is still your father and wanting to be in touch with him is not to hurt her.
Good luck
Those who have the problem isolate so they are free to let their addiction run rampant. Then they feel overcome with shame so they drink to cope and the cycle continues... That's what I've learned over the past few months.
Card's not a bad idea. Just be prepared for no response. Then, you'll never know if he got it or not or is just ignoring you.
Try to stay safely out of the loop to avoid most of the pain.
Hugs.
I actually have a card to send him, I guess I got frozen by the "what ifs" of the situation.
I am very fortunate to have a mother who looks at me as the adult I've become, and has actually encouraged me to reach out.
I guess I will just have to wait and see how everything turns out.