Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
So I'll need to start by telling the story of an event that happened so bare (or is it bear) with the length of it. So back in August I was away from home for a few weeks at work. My wife had taken our kids over to my parents to see them and my cousins who were over with their younger daughter. So far this is pretty typical and not out of the ordinary for our family.
So the kids are all playing and one of ours gets hurt by my cousin's daughter. This isn't the first time she has " accidentally " hurt our child (the same one 2 or 3 other times now. So my wife and mom run upstairs to care for ours who's clearly in pain. At this point my wife is pretty frustrated by the fact that our kids are always getting hurt by my cousin's daughter and they do nothing to scold her.
So my wife begins to scold their daughter, then my cousins overhear this and jump into the situation. My wife essentially calls out my cousin's parenting or lack there of. Out of no where, this verbal argument turns physical when my cousin and her fiance both charge at my wife ready to beat her up. Mind you, as this is happening (the yelling and arguing ) my mom is sitting there doing nothing to help out and my dad is downstairs ignoring the entire situation.
My wife somehow manages to get away from the edge of the stairs they were pushing her up against luckily without actually physically being hurt, runs downstairs with our hurt child grabs the other kids and rushes home.
So I finally get home a week later and want to address the issue with my parents. After a week of no attempt on their end to see if my wife and kids are ok I sit down to have a chat with them. This is usually out of the ordinary for my family since we were raised to just shut up and do as you're told. Well I wasn't going to shut up about what happened.
I go over and start listening to their side of what happened and even after logically explaining to them why my wife went off, they still basically told me it was her fault and she deserved it. My parents don't condone violence btw. So I explain to them that my wife felt like she was going to be pushed off the stairs that day and die. Well they didn't really seem to care about that one way or another.
I then brought up the fact that we're writing my cousins off and will no longer have contact with them and told them essentially they could choose us or my cousins. Well despite them saying they don't want to lose their son and their grandkids they have continued to see my cousins and are now mad at us for putting them through this. My dad all our lives always played the guilt trip with my brother, sister, and I and he's doing it again now.
As of now I'm standing my ground and our kids are not allowed to see them and even worse have not even asked to see my parents.
This is where I'm stuck and really at a loss of what to do.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here however my reason is to try and help you.... So I'm going to write how I'm reading this
I do think it's up to parents to discipline their own child... Not too many parents would want someone else to punish 'their' child
Having said that what really stands out to me is that this man and woman were ready to physically assault your wife so I'm wondering what their daughter has to live with
Often children who are physically abused or are witnessing physical abuse might become abusive to other children or animals.... This is common actually
I would have very firm boundaries as well where your cousins are concerned.... If you are to ever be around them again I would not let your children be alone with their daughter .... Not if this has happened a number of times.... Your child needs to be protected
Non of this is on your parents.... Forcing them to choose is really unkind IMHO..... They did nothing wrong ... Grandparents are as important to the children as the children are to the grandparents.... It would be taking away really important relationships from both sides as well your parents from you
All of my Grandparents as well my parents are gone.... Once that happens there are no do overs.... Big hug for you........xo
As for my parents I feel they are at fault. First off this violence occurred in their house and they did nothing to stop the physical violence. Secondly before I left to Southern California to fight the wildland fires I asked them to take care of my family. Their lack of support in this situation and then blaming my wife and making her feel bad about it doesn't seem right either.
I understand that ending my parents' and my kids' relationship is not positive at all but what message are my parents showing my children by allowing this violence to occur in their home and doing nothing to protect them or their mother.
I do apologize if my responses sound defensive and directed towards you. That is my not my intent at all and I do understand you are trying to help. Thank you. Like I have told my wife, I am feeling pretty much all the feelings in the book at this point and I'm stuck.
Were your parents out there watching when it happened?
My cousins are mid twenties. Yes my mother was literally watching the whole thing happen without doing anything and my dad was downstairs ignoring it all.
(Oh and thanks for being a fire fighter. My son is 16 and a jr at his fire station.)
Okay I think I get the general situation. The 3 year old is probably used to playing hard with older kids. And your kids have probably been taught, and by nature, are on the gentle side.
Your wife was probably more than a bit tired from parenting on her own for a couple of weeks and went to your parents for a break. Probably inside taking care of the baby while the boys were playing outside. Meanwhile, the parents of the 3 year old, thinking that she's with older kids...weren't paying much attention either.
Honestly, I'd be pissed too. But...I don't know if it's worth severing all these relationships over and issue that this 3 year old will probably grow out of. In one or two years, she'll be in daycare or school and will have to learn how to tone her behavior down.
Meanwhile, it probably really is a good idea to keep your distance. The 6 year old could protect himself (somewhat). When your infant gets to one or two...they're not going to yet be able to do that.
Are you able to talk to your parents at all? Would it be possible to have them over to your house? While I agree that your parents should have stepped in...sometimes the idea of a smaller girl hurting a larger boy...just doesn't seem to occur in some people.
The issue isn't with the kids being hurt, the issue is my cousins physically threatened my wife and attacked her while my parents did nothing to protect her or our boys while this was happening and then blaming my wife for my cousins violent actions. Our issue is what message does this show our children?
Part of the issue I believe has my wife done with all of it, is my parents have never truly accepted her into the family for the 11 years we've been together and flat out told me they think she got pregnant when we were 19 so she could lock me down and ruin my life.
That's a whole other part of this I could get into as well. Yes I have spoken with them a handful of times on the issue and even after explaining everything to them their stories and excuses for not jumping in keep changing but they still come to the same conclusion of blaming my wife for all of this.
You're welcome and that's awesome he wants to pursue the fire service, it truly is amazing.
They're relationship has been amazing though which is why all of this is hard. My kids asked multiple times a day if they could go see my parents and since this event they haven't asked once to see them and not by any influence from us. On the other end, my parents until I became upset with them, never even checked in the days and weeks following this event to see if the kids were ok.
When discussing with them that if I need to keep my kids away from them I will and instead of them trying to fix the problem so they would still be allowed to see them, my parents were just like, "do what you have to do I guess" I mean wtf?
If these people threatened to physically attack your wife your wife can have charges laid on them?.... A man willing to attack a woman isn't at all cool
Teaching a three year old to attack others is really poor parenting I think.... What's going to happen when she goes to school if she doesn't know better ya know
This could have happened in a moment.... They're playing, getting excited and your daughter got hurt
Writing off your parents is really extreme..... I would just not be around these cousins at least for a while if ever
A man willing to physically attack a woman is frightening
Words can wound a great deal so what people were yelling at each other can whined people up
I think if you write off your parents' if you've had a good relationship up until now you'll be really sorry for in the future as well your children will do without a wonderful source of love
I think at present people have their backs up and are 'right fighting'
I would take some time to cool down and heal and when you're feeling more calm about the situation perhaps reevaluate it...
I'm sorry that you and your family have had to go through this experience ... It would be very upsetting .... Big hug......xo
I agree with you on how wrong it is for a man to attack a woman and I forgot to mention while doing so threatened to hurt me when I got home from work.
I don't want to write my parents off at all but at this point they're kind of bringing it on themselves in my opinion. I was pretty calm when I initially went over to speak with them and the message I got from them was my wife was to blame for everything.
I've talked with my older brother about things and he's tried reaching out to them as well and from his conversations he's pretty much told me my parents are mad at my wife and me and blaming us for their anger from this event.
The few hours after it happened my wife debated back and forth about pressing charges on my cousins and the sad thing I know about my parents, if the cops had come to the house they would have told a story to keep them all innocent. With my parents an outward appearance that everyone sees of them is a big show. Despite how screwed up things are on the inside they've taught us in life to just put on your smile and move on.
I want this to be resolved by at this point I feel like I've tried to fix it and my parents have thrown the blame back on us to guilt us. I will not subject to that anymore and I feel it's their turn to come to us to try to fix things. Is that wrong of me to ask or feel?
I can understand why she reacted.... At the same time I can understand why someone would get their back up about being called a lousy parent
I think everyone became upset however once it changed from an argument into being willing to a physical attack on your wife everything changed at least by the way I see things.... That is way out of line and criminal
To be willing to do this in front of children is horrific for the children.... Actually the whole fight would have been really upsetting for the children and they all need to own that
We all have our own perceptions of how things happen... what is right and what is real and the truth or reality is usually somewhere in the middle and I'm not talking about lying but about our perceptions
The idea of this physical attack is what I find really troubling and it takes me back to what does this little girl live and see regularly
You were away fighting a fire so the guilt is crap.... I was brought up with guilt being the great motivator and it's awful....
Feelings are never wrong.... They just are.... I think trying to control them by not having a relationship is no good for any of you.... I would perhaps just not see them if the cousins are around.... And take some time to heal the wounds..... The ultimatum is such a dear price to pay
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Everyone simmer down ya know
I understand your upset.... I just think the cost of what you're suggesting right now is too great.... Maybe just take some time for you and your family and again reevaluate...
I know what it's like to never be able to see any of these people again....I'm older then you and I would give just about anything to have that option.... perhaps that's part of what I can see .... Big hug.....xo
As for my cousin's daughter I don't know what she sees at home but my cousins have told us they want her to be tough so they teach her to fight and hit. I don't know the whole story there but I know that's not healthy.
For the most part we haven't talked with my parents for a while so we can calm down and reevaluate everything. I know the ultimatum is harsh but I don't know how else to get through to my parents. My brother and I have both agreed that talking with them is like talking to a wall. :/
I know things can heal over time and I'm praying they will. I guess what I'm looking for from my parents is for them to come to us to talk about things, but I know them and their usual way of doing things is over time let's just all forget it happened and move on. At this point I've been talking with my brother a lot since he's been trying to get through to my parents about the situation.
Hopefully with some more time my parents will come around.
Since I first started writing on here I've had a few very short discussions with my dad about everything that has happened. Looking at the things he's said and done up until this point still do not acknowledge that he made a mistake. He's reverting back to what he has my whole life and is guilt tripping me and trying to make me believe things are my / my wife's fault. Whether he's intentionally doing it or not he hasn't realized that's what he's doing.
I've voiced this to him and mentioned maybe him and my mom might want to talk with someone to help them through this and other issues they have (they have things in their pasts that they've bottled up and never talk about and I think they need to open up)
At this point after these few discussions with them I haven't felt more alone and separated now from them now then I have before. It definitely sucks but at this point they aren't understanding they made a big mistake and they're only making it worse by trying to blame us instead of taking responsibility for it.