Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I have a 14 year old who is bi-polar. Sometimes she loses control of herself, and all the adults in the family are aware of her condition.
I adopted her - she is originally my granddaughter.
A few weeks ago, I sent her on vacation to visit her aunts and mother, south of here, and she had been doing so well that I allowed her to take the bus by herself. For the first week, things went pretty well, but I got a call that she was exhausted and wanted to leave her first stop and move on to her other aunt's house, but nobody would give her a ride.
Where she was was a 7 hour ride from where I was, so I tried to reach her other aunt, and finally it was arranged for her other aunt to pick her up and she spent a few days with her before taking the commuter rail to yet another aunt's house. Everything went fine with both of them.
After the weekend with the 3rd aunt, she took the commuter rail back to the 2nd aunt, who took her to her mother's house, where she immediately had issues with her 7 year old brother, hitting him because he annoyed her.
Instead of removing her (because she obviously should have been taken back to the aunt's house), the 2nd aunt left her with her mother, who didn't control the situation well enough, and the next day, the 7 year old tried to kick the 14 year old, and she grabbed his leg and he went flying backwards into the furniture.
Both of the aunts insist that the 14 year old should have been arrested and sent to an institution and will not let go of their insistance that she needs to be committed, even insisting that the girl was 100% responsible for her actions, even though the adults involved knew that there was something wrong and it had occurred to them that she should have been removed from the house the day before.
They also are adament that she should have been arrested and committed (had she been arrested, she would more likely have been put in jail I think) without even contacting me, despite the fact that I am legally her mother and have been in every way acting as her mother for the last 7 years.
Weeks have gone by and I cannot get either of these women to let go of this. I have gone over it thoroughly with both of them and it still keeps going back to the same thing - in their opinion, she needs to be committed because of this incident.
This girl has been in therapy for 7 years and has been doing wonderfully. With me, she does not act out in such ways, and I understand her. Her therapist also does not feel that she needs to be committed, and she knows her pretty well, as well.
But is it really "child abuse" when the fight is between 2 children? I really don't know the answer to that, but I do know that this girl has been hurt by her aunts and I may have to keep her away from them in the future - I certainly will not trust her alone with them.
I adopted her - she is originally my granddaughter.
A few weeks ago, I sent her on vacation to visit her aunts and mother, south of here, and she had been doing so well that I allowed her to take the bus by herself. For the first week, things went pretty well, but I got a call that she was exhausted and wanted to leave her first stop and move on to her other aunt's house, but nobody would give her a ride.
Where she was was a 7 hour ride from where I was, so I tried to reach her other aunt, and finally it was arranged for her other aunt to pick her up and she spent a few days with her before taking the commuter rail to yet another aunt's house. Everything went fine with both of them.
After the weekend with the 3rd aunt, she took the commuter rail back to the 2nd aunt, who took her to her mother's house, where she immediately had issues with her 7 year old brother, hitting him because he annoyed her.
Instead of removing her (because she obviously should have been taken back to the aunt's house), the 2nd aunt left her with her mother, who didn't control the situation well enough, and the next day, the 7 year old tried to kick the 14 year old, and she grabbed his leg and he went flying backwards into the furniture.
Both of the aunts insist that the 14 year old should have been arrested and sent to an institution and will not let go of their insistance that she needs to be committed, even insisting that the girl was 100% responsible for her actions, even though the adults involved knew that there was something wrong and it had occurred to them that she should have been removed from the house the day before.
They also are adament that she should have been arrested and committed (had she been arrested, she would more likely have been put in jail I think) without even contacting me, despite the fact that I am legally her mother and have been in every way acting as her mother for the last 7 years.
Weeks have gone by and I cannot get either of these women to let go of this. I have gone over it thoroughly with both of them and it still keeps going back to the same thing - in their opinion, she needs to be committed because of this incident.
This girl has been in therapy for 7 years and has been doing wonderfully. With me, she does not act out in such ways, and I understand her. Her therapist also does not feel that she needs to be committed, and she knows her pretty well, as well.
But is it really "child abuse" when the fight is between 2 children? I really don't know the answer to that, but I do know that this girl has been hurt by her aunts and I may have to keep her away from them in the future - I certainly will not trust her alone with them.
You were not present during the alleged altercation so you cannot state what happened.
If you legally adopted this girl and have and have appropriate paperwork to prove that, then you would be contacted if charges were filed against the girl.
Only the people who were present for the alleged altercation would be able to state what happened. Another consideration would be what injuries, if any, this 7 year old child received and what treatment he received.
If you are concerned, see an attorney in your state about it. I doubt that child abuse would be the charge as that charge is usually against the parents or the caretakers (which are adults).
I can only speak from my experiences from school, but she would NOT go to jail! At the most, she'd have a court date and a judgment would be made. Probably be on parole and she'd have to make sure she's going regular counseling. Considering her issues, they may even find the ADULTS to blame. (How do I know this? Because one of my students stabbed another student with a pair of scissors and didn't even go to jail! He got 10 days suspension had a hearing and got parole for a year.)
So much time has passed and I think her aunts are being terrible.
I'd almost say, "Fine- bring it on." Just to prove how ridiculous they are being.
No offense, but shame on all the adults.
I mean, what kind of aunts would want to obsess about calling the cops on their niece over what seems to be a bit of rough housing that they could not control on their time???
How's your daughter processing all of this? I'd use this as a learning experience for her. That she cannot just act out physically because if you do it to the wrong person, your life could become Hell. Did you tell the therapist about it? This should be addressed in future sessions.
And now you know that putting your teenager on public transport is not the way to go.
It's never easy, is it. : P
As soon as we got back, I contacted her therapist, and she made an extra appointment prior to the girl's appointment, so that I could tell her what I knew of what had gone on before the girl did. Then the girl went in and had a long talk with the therapist and felt a good deal better afterwards.
The most awful thing about the aunts is that one is bi-polar and the other is scitzophrenic (spelt that wrong) and they are very familiar with mental illness and should know that the trama that they are insisting the girl be put through could push her over the edge.
The girl does have a resiliant side, though, because when one of the aunts started in on the phone 2 days ago, which is nearly 3 weeks after the incident, she told her to go F herself with a cactus. Crude, but if you knew the aunt involved, you kind of have to be rather strong with her to get through.
Unfortunately, the girl did come in and sit down next to me yesterday and say that she thinks that both of them will not give her either birthday or christmas presents this year because they hate her.
I'd just give it a few months and say that it's okay if they don't want to do the holidays this year- it's probably best.
But I would tell your daughter that her type of inflammatory language is not the best way to deal with things and tell her therapist that you want her to work on anger management skills. At least no more talk of the police, though, right? That's something...
If they go to police now, it would seem they really don't have proof of any injuries. If they didn't seek treatment of the boy or go to the police back then, they obviously didn't think it was important.
Just stop talking to them and let it all drop. They are not good for you or your adopted granddaughter. And NEVER sent your adopted granddaughter back there as they will probably arrange something to happen--which may be what really happened anyway.
Did you send written directions to everyone who was visited regarding proper management of these challenges?
What is the entire story from your daughter?
I have a child with challenges not the same but equally as challenging.
Many other adults are completely ignorant about these challenges. They "expect" certain behaviors at "certain" ages regardless of actually maturity rate.
A child with mental health challenges is less responsible for their actions. The adults in who trust for her care has been placed have that squarely placed on their shoulders.
This sounds like the younger was purposely annoying the older. And adult should have been paying sufficient attention to the interaction to stop it before it becomes violent. Clearly, the adult in this situation is either incapable or refuses to attend to these interactions.
An average 14 year old would only be prosecuted for purposely breaking a bone or creating a wound that required hospital treatment (ER or worse). Even then, there needs to be evidence of previous violent behavior that was intentionally harmful.
This sounds accidental. One child annoying the other does not deserve physical assault. But your daughter may simply have less access to verbal information with which to process the situation or fail to access coping strategies when put under stress.
I would work on strategies that will allow her to act to protect herself in these situations. They happen all the time everywhere. Young adults tease others especially when they can tell that the other has challenges.
Practice what to do with her. Make her physically move away walking to someplace with purpose when she begins to feel this level of frustration. Do it a little everyday.
This will allow her brain to automatically access the coping strategy of walking away to a safe place even in the midst of stress. It is because the brain stores these in the flight or fight area and will choose that activity once it is practiced often enough.
Pick out other ways your daughter can take herself to a place of safety for her! Emphasize that these are strategies to keep her safe and she deserves to be safe.
I would also ensure that she has a cell phone so she can call you. you are most likely quite capable of calming her down. A cell with limited access to just you and 911 would allow her access to someone person who has her best interest at heart and knows what to say to help her protect herself.
It sounds like you are a great mom. This is the hardest job in the world. I KNOW!!!!
I worked at a Fortune 100 company as project management. Vice presidents would come to my office to seek help. I thought that was hard until I became a FULL TIME mother of two children.
Keep up working with her. you are the key to her future.
Coping strategies and instructions for caregivers. Awesome.
Once that child becomes an adult, however, the challenges may not excuse behavior, so you've only got 4 years for your daughter to learn, or somebody may decide to press charges.
How are the aunts- did they cool their jets yet? Maybe they've cycled to the depressed side and aren't going to do anything. I'd talk to a police officer and ask what the rule of thumb is in these cases, just so you know more than they do. I'd even bring your daughter with you, so she knows that being violent is never a solution, or you may be facing a police officer. I mean, what if she does this at school?