What do I think....well I have come to realize that all families have problems. Even the most perfect seeming has something going on.

There are lots of reasons. Jealousy between siblings, jealous by parents, resentment, false beliefs, lies...lots of stuff. Memories are a fragile thing and easily distorted. My mom thinks she is Cinderella and her mom the evil stepmother. The truth is much tamer. But it's based on my moms memories and how she felt.

You have kids so I'm sure you know about the rivalries and stories that abound. You can never make things perfectly equal. And even when you do someone will disagree.

I'm wondering why you are bringing this up now. Are you still stewing over the party? Did you ever ask mom why? My sister pulled crap like that when my parents would visit. My family was excluded from everything they did together while I included her in everything we did. Was it jealousy, control or she doesn't like us? I'll never know but I've learned to let it go. I know being treated like this by your mom makes it different. But at some point you have to come to terms with the reality that your mom is not the mom you want and never will be. I'm sorry for this but you need to stop pulling the scab off the wound...leave it alone and let it heal.

It is hard to be the only one left out of an important family party. My mother did that to me and it hurt. I lived 2 hours away and found out about party the from my mothers neighbor. I think we have to go through a process of grieving and anger is a part of that process. It does get better but there are times I wish things were different between me and my mother. I don't expect anything from my mother that way she can't disappoint me.It hurts because we care. Caring is part of who we are.

Are you sure this was your Moms doing and not someone elses? I ask this cause it is rare that you throw your own B.day party. It is even rarer you throw a party at all when you are 80.

I understand perfectly Epic, I'm the middle child also. My mother takes whatever opportunity that's available to give me some back handed compliment or insult. She's been living with my DH and I for almost 3 years now and it can be tough! I can't get to the corner store by myself without taking her with me. She demands all my attention. However, whenever my brother and sister are visiting, my DH and I are excluded out of everything they do.

I've learned to live with it; still pisses me off but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that it's hurtful..

Sounds like you haven't forgotten the party which with time festers in our minds. I know exactly how that feels. Based on the way your mother was brought up; maybe it's been unintentional? I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she probably doesn't deserve it. It's a terrible thing for a parent to select one child as the chosen one to inflict all that pain and heartache on.

Sometimes it is hard to leave that scab on a wound alone, it just hurts to be the outcast. It would be nice if we just could forgive and forget and go on, but life just doesn't seem to work this way!? You are not alone with your troubles with your mother, we all go through this and even when you remove yourself it goes on in your thoughts. We all need to try to make our life happy and love ourselves, but that seems harder to do than saying it. Maybe we all make too much of things, so don't worry about it. Life is hard, but it is harder when you know that your mother resents you, so sometimes we get down and sometimes we can live with it, but it is hard to know that your mother does not love you the way you want her to love you. Hope this makes any sense. Peace and Love.

Okay I gotta add one more comment relating to the scab thingy. Saw this one facebook and adapted it


Slap a bandaid on that bitch and move on :)

It's easy to dwell on the past. But who benefits? Is your mom upset? No. Is something going to change? No.

You can only change how you deal with people, you cannot change them. So stop expecting them to change.

wow, love the comments. thank you, folks. I have been peeling the scab back because if I forget, I will continue to repeat, which is what I have been doing for 40 years. Thank you all for being frank, but considerate. I really appreciate it. I'm just wondering if cutting her out of my life is really "getting over it."

Okay continuing the scab analogy...

When you get hurt your body forms a scab. This is a protective mechanism that seals the body while it regrows. But the body doesn't just regroup the cut skin, it grows a little extra scar tissue to form a better protection, a stronger piece of skin. When it is all healed the scab falls off. The skin might look pretty good but it's not perfect, not the same as before. It's a little thicker, a slightly different color, maybe a little rough, maybe hard. But it is healed and the body is protected once again.

Your emotions are the same. Your mom hurt you by her actions. You keep pulling the scab off hoping that you can figure out what happened but the answer isn't in the wound, it's in the person who hurt you..mom. You need to let the wound heal. You will never be perfect but you will heal.maybe a little tougher, ready to fend off the next hurt. If you want to protect yourself from being hurt again you need to confront the person who hurt you or protect yourself from the one who hurt you.

So you can go see mom and ask her why. Demand an answer about the birthday party. Demand an answer for whatever other specific things bother you. Tell mom how you feel. And/or you keep your distance, put up your guard and protect yourself. I don't think you will ever get a satisfactory answer from your mom. We need to accept that people are the way they are and then decide if we want them in our lives and in what capacity.

wonderful, Tigg. She's too old to change and she just continues to say she had nothing to do with the party - which I happen to know is a huge lie because she told my siblings who she wanted to invite and who to exclude. Yeah, the estrangement will continue even though she doesn't have many years left. Very sad, but thank you Tigg, for making it crystal clear to me. Thank you also to all my friends on the board. You ladies are a true blessing.

the trouble is that I could never really "let my mother go." Am I to go and make nice with her just so she can give me that smug grin again and go talk behind my back again with anyone who would listen? She fancies herself the queen of matriarchs and it is true, that I am the opposite of a mama's boy, while the rest of my siblings call her everyday and dote on her, etc. Maybe I left that part out. Even when I was a kid I was always independent, not just from her, from everyone. I would go off and read and study by myself. Peer pressure was never an issue with me. I think people get the impression that you don't care when you don't go along with things they do that don't make sense. Well, I'm grasping now. I will never know why she disfavored me but it definitely goes back to childhood. No matter how much I try or how successful I become, I cannot change the way she looks at me. So my answer is to mostly ignore her or just continue the pattern. Thank you all for making my choices clear to me. Kind of like choosing between a rock and a hard place.

It is painful to be left out. I don't think you are making too much of it. I think I would not bother to include her in my life anymore, if it were my mother that did that to me.
I am the middle child too. Yes, my place in the family was different from the rest. Even today my younger brother is the favorite. I was the little Cinderella. I cared for the entire family from the age of 8......yes dysfunctional they were.
Today my mother and I are close. She calls me and cares about me. I know she did the best she could.
My dad, I call on holidays and birthday. He never ever picks up the phone to call me. I kind of look forward to the day when he is gone and I don't have to think about it anymore.
Anyway, no, you are not making too much out of this. She was purposefully rude to you. Perhaps she is jealous of your success and happiness because she knows she did not play a part in you achieving it. Maybe she is angry that she wasn't able to ruin you through her mission to put you down. Good for you that you succeeded despite her efforts. no wonder you give such good advice to others.

meplusone, thank you for providing even further, and much-needed clarification for me. I was almost leaning back to putting up with her abuse again but you made it clear. You have a good relationship with your mother - a true blessing. But you said if your mother did what my mother has done to me, you "would not bother to include her in [your] life anymore." That is what I needed to hear, especially since you understand how it feels because your father doesn't call you either. The good thing about being put through the wringer is that you can relate to others when you hear their stories. Thanks for the compliments. I hope I can help others as you and others have helped me.

Epicjourney,

I know the feeling you are talking about. I am experiencing the same issue not due to birth order but due to me coming from her first marriage that she hated.

I too am trying to find a way to cope with this sort of thing, and frankly I too am at a loss.

I can accept what Tigg says in "come to terms with the reality that your mom is not the mom you want and never will be." I think (s)he says it a bit harsh actually and could say it in a kinder more understanding way.

But ultimately, acceptance is the main goal, and could change everything in what you focus on. You will still notice these little niggles and inconsistencies, but it just won't bother you as much and will be predominantly self-focussed and positive.

I actually went through a period of acceptance for about 3 years, and there were still issues that cropped up. I would initially address them, and then quickly let them go. But after a while, there were a couple of things that became so glaringly obvious that just didn't ring true.

I don't think there is a clear cut answer. What I find helps me find peace is to remind myself that there are such different perspectives in people's lives that maybe in the end there is nothing but misunderstandings all over the place.