Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

4,813 Members

5,774 Posts

1 Online

Apple2014 04/14/2015

So all wrapped into a nutshell...I have been the rock for my husband for almost 10 years. He has had numerous surgeries, mental health issues and has been suicidal a few times and has big family issues. I have supported him and stood by him, sometimes working 2 jobs to make sure we don't lose our house. We finally got pregnant with help after 8 years. After a rough pregnancy I delivered our son 2 months early. He was fine, but had to stay in the NICU. My husband has had to be on drugs for his depression and he has done well, except he continues to be negative, unhappy, and just not the man I married. I try to explain this to him and he thinks I'm just trying to blame him. Which I'm not...part of me wants to be like "Look I've gotten us this far, why won't you trust me when I tell you, you have changed and it isn't good" anyways I have stopped biting my tonugne so much, hoping that if I tell him the truth then maybe he will see how much he is hurting me and our marriage. I'm not brutally honest, but I feel like I need to be true to myself and honest enough to make him think. Part of me thinks it is his meds that make him this way...but taking him off med scares the crap out of me...I'm so lost with this....but I can't hardly deal with him anymore. His outbursts, nastiness, negativity. Last night was kind of the last straw...I feel like he is cheating on me, I know he isn't, but emotionally it feels like it. He has a lot of female/lesbian friends at work that I know he talks to. Well we've been waiting to hear if he will get a job interview for a promotion...He said late last night after he had been home for hours...oh yeah, I got an interview. I was like oh honey that is great!! When is it?? and asked all the important questions. Then he was talking about it and he was like "when I was talking to Amy about it, she said...." and my heart just sank...He couldn't even call me and tell me first, his wife, his rock.... I wasn't able to give him the first congrats, or offer advice/comfort. If this was the other way around he would have been so mad at me for not calling him first. I told him that it hurt me and he got mad, because I think he knows I'm right. I know it is something small, but to me it is big because our communication has not been great, and you should want to tell your best friend first...I feel like I'm second or third....I'm feeling very lost and alone. He talks to them all the time and I'm sure about me and our marriage. I'm scared if I push more he will break and have another hospitalization. I just hate living like this and feel like I deserve more, but I do love the man I married, I'm just not sure where he is!

epicjourney 04/14/2015

Apple, first, you are totally right to feel the way you do. It takes two in any marriage, no matter how much one loves the other. You have don alot for your husband and your marriage and you deserve to have right done by you. If you continue to put you and your own needs on the back-burner, there will be no marriage to speak of anyway. There will just be a dysfunctional person and his enabler living together.

Continue to make reasonable requests of your husband. Communication IS critical and he should share important matters such as his potential interview/new job with you first. It's not much of a marriage if you have to play second or third fiddle to his female friends at work, lesbian, bi-sexual or whatever. Don't allow him to take you for granted. This will only breed resentment in the long run. Bring in a marriage counselor or pastor if necessary, but don't become a door mat. It is hard to love door mats.

--EJ

Apple2014 04/14/2015

Thank you EJ....I agree and appreciate you taking your time to reply. It's frustrating and sad. I wish that I could get the weights off my shoulders...maybe one day! I will keep trying, as you might be able to tell I'm not a quitter...if I was, I would have been gone a LONG, LONG time ago, but I see somethings that have to change. Thanks again!

epicjourney 04/14/2015

Apple, of course. Also, have you tried "date nights?" Maybe you could have friends or family come over to babysit or drop the kids off. If there are no child worries then you guys are free to do whatever! With the weather turning better, outdoors things are always good. You'd be surprised what a little fresh air and sunshine can do. Try to mix in some good, happy times in between all those hard questions and problems that we have to deal with in everyday life. Do you guys have good friends that you can count on and to hang out with?

--EJ

Apple2014 04/14/2015

Good idea...we have our little boy and I can drop him off at my parents, but we don't really have the money to do any "date nights" but we are going to have to, because I agree with you I think it would help. We live on land and there is always something broke or to do for him, so we just end up doing our own thing...but before my son was born we did things together a lot and I miss that! We use to fish, do woodworking, work on cars in the shop, go on drives to somewhere...I'm going to try very hard to get more date nights or just us time. Thanks for the insight! Much appreciated!

epicjourney 04/14/2015

It doesn't cost anything to park your car and walk down to the river, or the lake, or the mountains, or a park. Can you listen to someone who plays an instrument? Can you go for a walk? Sit at a Starbucks and order a cup of coffee? Be imaginative. Your marriage is worth it!

--EJ

DeliAnnem 04/14/2015

EJ has good suggestions... for a person who does not have mental health issues as serious as your husband.

There's nothing you can do to help him... he has to get control of his own issues. Maybe you can hop over to the codependency board.

I'd sit him down with a family psych/therapist who knows about the types of drugs he's taking and see if there's other options.

I think the "Amy" just adds salt into the wound, but I don't think it's THAT bad... but the last straw for you.

Hugs.

Apple2014 04/14/2015

I appreciate both of your views. It really makes me think about things which is what I need. I am going to look into other meds for him and do some date night cause lord knows I need them so maybe he does as well and doesn't know it yet :) :)...I again appreciate your time, feedback and support!!! I really use this board a lot to help me. I think I would be worse off with out it. Thanks all

jaymee4647 04/15/2015

Was he this depressed ect while you were trying to get pregnant? It just sounds like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. He can hold a job?
Honestly there isn't a whole lot you can do with a person that has mental health issues, if they're in the middle of mania or not stable. If he is, talk to him, not at him.

DeliAnnem 04/15/2015

Apple- I'd suggest a date night... for yourself! He's welcome to come along if he wants, but YOU need this more than HE needs this.

Pick a place to eat (doesn't have to be fancy- just somewhere that you don't have to cook!), select a movie at a theatre... Tell your husband your intentions and see if he comes along... THAT will tell you a lot about his state of mind. He'll either look forward to being with you... or without you. He'll either pick himself off to get motivated to go out with you, or he'll use it as a reason to curl up and/or mope.

Either way, you've got to start attending to YOUR needs... whether or not HE can add to the quality of your life.

That's not being mean, BTW... that's just putting on your own oxygen mask before helping with someone else's...

BTW- it's nice that you are looking into other meds... but why isn't HE??? You don't want to start being is Mommie, right? That's not sexy at all...

epicjourney 04/15/2015

I know many people with mental health issues who lead perfectly productive lives. Medication is key but that can be a very manageable process. Don't assume that because he has mental health issues that he cannot be productive, loving, and "normal." He's your husband and your love him. He deserves a chance.

Try to change it up a little with the date nights. Even the most "normal" couples need that every now and then.

Best of luck to you,
--EJ

Join the Conversation