Everybody has a limit, beyond which they just physically cannot do anymore.

The key is to know that limit, and not to go past 80%. That's the point where you say that you don't have more time, money or energy. You feel terrible, but you're don't have it.

That allows you to help them, yet still have enough in the tank to help yourself.

Think of it this way...Just how much help will you be to her if you have a heart attack? Taking care of yourself, is critical in your ability to help her.

I feel so bad for you. I hear stories like this a lot and feel awful for anyone who is in this type of position. I wish i had a good solution for you but I'm responding to let you know I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You can't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. I know your brother has issues but is there any way you can have a heart to heart with him and figure out a way for him to step up and take on some of the responsibility? I know financially it may not be possible, but could you hire someone to take some of the burden off of you? Will her insurance cover something like that?

I can relate. I just lost my mom in October but I've been caring for my 84 yr old father that had mild dementia. My alcoholic brother stays with him at night and we have a caregiver during day but I did weekends until recently. My other brother is power hungry and has convinced my Dad that I'm stealing money and got him to sign POA papers that allow him to do anything. The whole situation is heart breaking. Hang in there!

Are you the only child?

No I can't talk to my brother. He won't help.
Mom won't accept help in the house. Various reasons.

I need to distance myself emotionally from her. Ideas on that would be helpful.

I dont do hands on care. I make phone calls, buy and mail her stuff, etc. But she calls me and tells me every problem she has. And I sort of feel responcible for her and her problems. Even though I'm not.
Her upset, anxious, etc. voice gets to me.

I'm not sure if this will help, but this is what I told my son in how to help me (or anyone) that's anxious/ upset.

It's when there's nothing that can help, that the presence and listening ear can help. The point isn't to fix or help find a solution (even if totally obvious). The point is to just "be there".

My advice to you is to just tell her over and over that you can hear her anxiety. You can hear that she cares. You hear that whatever issue she's going on about or frustrates her...you can hear that it means a lot to you.

So say...she's frustrated that the mailman didn't put the mail in the mailbox correctly: "You care about the mailman. You are very careful in how you handle your mail. You love to get letters. The letters mean a lot to you. You are such a loving person. You care. Etc, etc.)

The idea is that while she's talking about the mailman...you're talking about her. And reflecting some positive trait. Above all else, I've found that it helps just to acknowledge that people care.

Then near the end, you can gently say, "I know it's frustrating that they (or I) can't seem to do it the way that you think is best, but I know that you care. I thank you for that. The world needs more people like you."


My other suggestion, is to devote a certain part of the day to your mother. Only think about her texts or phone calls at that time. So if she texts you at 2am, you can glance at the message, but put off thinking about it until your designated time. Perhaps noon, or 6pm, a few minutes after arriving back home. Then calm yourself and call her back. Listen to her concerns, acknowledge that she cares, excuse yourself after a set amount of time (30 min?). And put off thinking about any of her texts until the next day.

Refer to that time of day as "our time" (even if she's resistant or degrades it). "I really LOVE our time mom." (and mean it...if for no other reason than that it frees the rest of your time up) Work on getting the meaning of that care across to your mom.

You're mom has made it to 89, she'll make it until tomorrow at your time for her.

If you got into this habit of letting her call you and complaining on and on, it's going to take some time to make a new one.

Next time she calls, can you say, "Mom, I was just on my way out... I can give you ten minutes, Okay?" Then set an egg timer and after the ten, say, "I'm sorry, but the ten minutes is up. I am going to hang up. I'll talk to you later." Then do it.

She may not like it, but after a few of those, she'll start to understand that you mean it.

That way, she'll cram in what's really important to her to those ten minutes.

Do you think that could work?

As for your brother, why do you say he won't help? Maybe because he knows you will??? Can you just tell him that he needs to start picking up the slack because you are planning to cut back on your availability. Then when your mother says something to you, just say, "Why don't you give xxxx a call."

Make sense?